Anonymous wrote:21:44 Such contributions are common in some AA communities, as at least one other poster mentioned. I live in a diverse building, and on four separate occasions there's been a collection. We sign a card and give what we can. (No rules! No expectations!)

Separately, I cannot believe some of the posts in this thread. They reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes.

I sadly agree. They do.

Pp. I meant for there to be an If between they and r.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the previous posters claim that Christians fundraise for funerals. White Protestants do not do this unless they are really really poor. African-Americans sometimes do this more, but not They r middle or upper-class. In other words, no family that has enough funds to throw a lavish party for 13-year-old raises money to pay for funeral.

WTF? I'm AA and have never once given or received money at a funeral. You don't know what you're talking about.

And are you saying we're not middle/upper class?

No, that's not what I meant. There's a typo n my sentence. I meant that I never heard of middle or upper-class African-Americans raising money for funeral. I have seen poorer African-Americans raise money for funerals, however. But I do not think it is common practice.

Anonymous wrote:21:44 Such contributions are common in some AA communities, as at least one other poster mentioned. I live in a diverse building, and on four separate occasions there's been a collection. We sign a card and give what we can. (No rules! No expectations!)

Separately, I cannot believe some of the posts in this thread. They reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes.

In what AA communities (what does that even mean)? Do you mean poor communities? Cause if so, that's not an AA thing, it's a poor people thing that crosses racial boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:Back to the previous posters claim that Christians fundraise for funerals. White Protestants do not do this unless they are really really poor. African-Americans sometimes do this more, but not They r middle or upper-class. In other words, no family that has enough funds to throw a lavish party for 13-year-old raises money to pay for funeral.

WTF? I'm AA and have never once given or received money at a funeral. You don't know what you're talking about.

And are you saying we're not middle/upper class?

Anonymous wrote:I am glad I read this thread. I am going to make a mental note to decline any jewish kid 13th birthday party invitation in the future. Really, $36.00 at a minimum? Yucks!

You didn't read the thread very carefully if you think it's about birthday parties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

You have misplaced values if $18 is an insult. Your son should be happy that he gets anything. A Bar Mitzvah is not all about the gifts.

But the kids think it is. Go watch "Keeping up with the Steins". The sad part of it is that once the ceremony is over and the party done with, they rarely return to Shul. At least in my experience.

21:44 Such contributions are common in some AA communities, as at least one other poster mentioned. I live in a diverse building, and on four separate occasions there's been a collection. We sign a card and give what we can. (No rules! No expectations!)

Separately, I cannot believe some of the posts in this thread. They reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes.

I am glad I read this thread. I am going to make a mental note to decline any jewish kid 13th birthday party invitation in the future. Really, $36.00 at a minimum? Yucks!

Anonymous wrote:Back to the previous posters claim that Christians fundraise for funerals. White Protestants do not do this unless they are really really poor. African-Americans sometimes do this more, but not They r middle or upper-class. In other words, no family that has enough funds to throw a lavish party for 13-year-old raises money to pay for funeral.

Agree. Presbyterian/Methodist here. I've never heard of money being given. You take food to the family. You attend the service. You send flowers or money if they have designated a charity "in lieu of flowers". But I usually do both. I've never heard of money being given in any form to cover any funeral expenses.

Anonymous wrote:Another fan of 19:52! Actually, I would could never really be comfortable accepting hundreds of dollars from our friends. I am not sure how I would handle that. I hope some of these children are encouraged to make donations with they are really receiving thousands of dollars.

Well, in 30 years of this I've never had a family return the check! Or savings bonds! You would be no. 1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

The whole party aspect of this religious coming of age has turned into a joke. At least here in the U.S. That is what I mean. The Torah teaches us to give back to our community and those less fortunate than ourselves. A child from Potomac who's parents are throwing him/her a lavish event does not exactly fit the bill of needing a college fund. Instead of spending money to feed and entertain all the party goers, maybe the parents should put that money into a college fund. Not spend thousands of dollars to keep up with the Cohens. I'm not saying don't have a party, but a child should appreciate what they have and what they recieve. Be it one dollar or a hundred. Don't expect it, but be grateful for when it comes to you.

I completely agree with you, but I'm also the non-Jew who has gone to many of these and brings the hefty checks because I know what is expected. Until the scenario changes, the parties keep getting more and more lavish, often to ridiculous proportions as in "keeping up with the Steins" (which we watched with Jewish friends and laughed ourselves silly). I do commend the rabbis who are trying to get this under control. I do commend those parents who try to put holds on the parties. I commend those families that choose to re-route some of the excess to charity. I commend those families that take the family to Israel (family only, not destination bar mitzvah as was the topic of a recent thread - don't make me fly to Israel) instead of spending $200K on a ballroom dinner and orchestra in Potomac. But so long as those invitations keep coming in, I know what is expected of me in NYC, Miami, or Potomac. I bring a checkbook.

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish and this thread is embarrassing. OP, your solution sounds more than generous. Have your child dress up nicely to show respect to the event and to his friend. A check for $18 is more than enough for one 13 year old to give to another. I would give more than this to a close family member or the child of a close friend, but that is when the money is coming from me - an adult. When the gift is coming from a child to another child, it is more of a gesture and a thank you for being invited and included in a special day.

Well, of course it's embarrassing. But it's also true. Haven't you seen "Keeping up with the Steins?". Hilarious, BTW.

Anonymous wrote:So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

Absolutely true if you are an Italian New Jersey family and paying for a wedding. Mama writes down how much cash each family gives so they can reciprocate when the next wedding rolls around. I had the sad task of telling a New Jersey friend who was counting on a money bag to pay for wedding costs that things like that don't happen in D.C. Don't you remember the wedding scene in GoodFellas? She was carrying a money bag. Or something cash is pinned to her dress or veil.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

It is not my job to pay for your kids college. That's YOUR job. Sheesh, I am glad I don't get invited to many of these!