Anonymous
Post 04/30/2013 11:54     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good guy. He is a doctor and I am a nurse- together we make about $230K. My BIL is also a doctor but his wife (my husband's sister) is a SAHM. Their HHI is probably around $180K. They have three kids, we have two. My husband and I have separate checking accounts and credit cards. Basically he pays for the mortgage, major expenses, etc and I pay for daycare and fun stuff (cable, vacations, etc). My IL's are always complaining how poor their daughter is because her husband only makes $180K, and they have three private school tuitions and live in a small very expensive house. I don't feel sorry for them because they choose to live in that house, send the kids to those schools, and for her to not work (she has two degrees is just not interested in working, not because she is disabled). We live in a small house, send our kids to daycare, and I work full time.

We recently went on vacation with my M/FILs, my BIL/SIL and their three kids. The BIL/SIL were almost not going to come because the flights and hotels were going to be "too expensive." I had purchased the tickets for our family two months ago with my own cc. I see in my husband's CC statement last night that he paid for their hotel and their plane tickets. Their plane tickets were $1000 more than ours because of the third kid and the late purchase. This isn't the first time he has paid for something for them because they've whined about cost.

Clearly this is a DH issue, not an IL issue. I know that. I need to know how to discuss this with him for it infuriates me. I have no problem with him being generous to family- I just wish he would tell me. I feel he doesn't tell me because he knows it pisses me off. It makes me feel like the money I make to purchase things for our family doesn't mean anything- if anything it makes him feel more ok to spend his money on them. Why am I working if we are funding her to be a SAHM?






I'm surprised at the lack of support you've received here, OP. I completely understand why you're so angry, and would be, too. Once my H and I got married, what he spent affected me and our family, which means our kids, not his siblings. If my H were shelling out thousands of dollars for his siblings to come on vacation with us, and these were regular expenditures, I'd be furious.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2013 00:30     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:My brother makes five times the money we do. He has always included us in vacations every few years. I started picking up on little things from my SIL. She would make comments about how much more expensive the place was because of the extra people. How much more the food was etc. Then my 4yo nephew told me that I couldn't use the swimming pool because his dad paid for it and we were too poor. Of course my nephew heard this from his bitter mother, so that was the end of us joining them. My brother still invites us and is very sad that we decline. I don't need my super superior SIL lording it over me. The sad thing is, we never see them anymore. SIL actually has tried to smooth things over, but we still decline.
get past this. I hope so!


Wow, your brother and SIL were paying for your vacation and you weren't even pitching in for food?
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2013 23:06     Subject: Husband pays for sister's vacations
Anonymous wrote:OP,

You have to accept this. If you try to get him to change course now, it's going to become something bigger. He might resent you. If he stops being generous, his sister will suspect it's due to your involvement. I agree that it's odd, the way your discovered, the DH's sister's bellyaching about finances while shopping at Nordstrom's, etc. But what makes sense? Him stopping? I never told my ex what to do with his money when we were married. (He had more than me.) When people are being generous, they are doing it in part for themselves. Maybe SIL's husband is a tightwad and this is the only way DH can have a big family vacation. Maybe there's stuff about their marriage to which you are not privy. My advice: Acceptance. FYI: My marriage broke up due to an in-law situation.


This may sound rude, but your ex is your ex for a reason. Maybe "acceptance" isn't the right approach here. The whole perspective of "ex has more money than me, and I never told him what to do with his money" seems really toxic to a partnership, to me.

Maybe if you and your ex pooled all your money and considered it "our money", you would have been closer partners. And therefore you'd be making decisions together about how to respond as a close and cohesive team to in-law situations.

(Maybe not. I'm just saying, accepting that your spouse is going to spend thousands of dollars without telling you on things that are not shared priorities does not seem to be a healthy approach, if health is defined as success of the marriage.)