Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Everyone attending the wedding, including the bride's parents who are also paying for the wedding, are also incurring this expense. It's not unique to you (I'm the PP who spent nearly $6K on my brother's wedding).

I am sorry you're hurt, but please for everyone's sake including the good of the long-term relationships, accept that you are incorrect here and let it go.

I understand that everyone is incurring the costs to go to the wedding of course. My point in mentioning the expenses of flights, hotel, etc., is that in our budget that is something we have to plan for. I've never attended a "destination wedding" before. All the weddings we have been to have been local, or at least no more than 4 hours driving. If it wasn't our son who was getting married, we would have just RSVP'd that we wouldn't be able to attend. We gave them $1500 because that is what we can afford to give. It doesn't matter how much the wedding costs or whether they choose the most expensive or least expensive flowers, etc. We can't give more than we can afford. Our daughter told us she doesn't think she's getting married and that we could roll her wedding fund over to her brother, but we never had a wedding fund for her to begin with. If you have never had to scrimp, save, and budget, then you have no idea how stressful it feels to spend as much as we are on this wedding. The children are not having a rehearsal dinner. Just a dinner for the two immediate families, and the next night a welcome dinner for everyone, including the rabbi. Of course they are free to use the $1500 towards whatever event works best for them. We gave as much as we could comfortably afford.

We told both sets of parents to buzz off and eloped. So count your blessings.

Honestly, including the cost of passport renewal as a WEDDING cost says a lot to me. A) Is it their problem that you did not have an up-to-date passport? No. B) It seems particularly stingy to nickle-and-dime to this extent. It is a WEDDING.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

These are just part and parcel of what it costs to attend a long-distance wedding. These are your costs as a guest. If you are saying that these costs therefore entitle you to be named as hosts of this affair, then every single guest would therefore be counted as a host or hostess of the wedding? See how this is kind of silly and ridiculous?

On a related note, if you think that a contribution of $1500 matters in the grand scheme of things in hosting a wedding, you likely have not planned a wedding in a long time. This is probably less than 10% of their total costs. Therefore, it still does not count you as one of the hosts. Therefore, you are not named on the wedding invitation.

On a final note, you are the one who asked them to do this in the first place! Therefore, it comes across as a bit "rich" to then complain about all this!

The most traditional form of wedding invitation is for only the bride's parents to be listed. That is how mine were sent out. My parents paid about $10K, DH and I paid about $7K, yet we went with the traditional wording. We did not include ourselves as hosts.

There was no mention of DH's parents on the invitations. We did, however, acknowledge his mother and my mother in the ceremony, and his father was his best man, so no one had hurt feelings. In a traditional wedding the groom's family hosts the reharsal dinner the night before, which is exactly what my in-laws did. They paid for that and sent the invitaitons for that.

I don't understand OP's reaction at all. If she wanted a traditional wedding, why didn't she plan the rehearsal dinner and take care of that part herself? Her son and his future in-laws are the ones that ought to be outraged that she insisted on this and then isn't willing to carry her share of the load. Maybe her son knew this, which is why he intended to elope: to save himself the embarrassment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

This is what you wrote in your original post:

They originally wanted to elope, but I told my son that I would be very upset to not get to be present at my child's wedding.

You wanted this, and now you're complaining that it's going to cost an arm and a leg to attend the wedding. They changed their plans for you, and now that's still not okay. Stop changing the goal posts.

You insisted that they have a wedding without intending to pay anything? In other words, "This is important to me, so please spend thousands of dollars to placate me and your father?" Lady, you're lucky you're invited at all. The proper response would be a heartfelt expression of gratitude to your future in-laws, and the happy couple, for undertaking such a significant expense (in part) to please you. Instead, you are "offended" and "hurt"? Jesus.

Anonymous wrote:I had a very formal wedding, paid for entirely by my parents. The invitation said something like:

Mr. and Mrs. Myparents
Request the honor of your presence
At the wedding of their daughter
Larla Emerson
to
Mr. John Smith
Son of
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, Sr.

Actually it was longer than that bc both sets of parents are divorced, but bottom line my DH's parents were acknowledged, while still making it clear that my parents were hosting. This is common where I come from, so I don't blame OP for being upset. I also think her son could have discussed this all with her before sending out the invites. I do think, though, that if OP can afford it, it would have been nice to pay for at least the dinner the night before.

We did this as well. My parents paid the majority and DH and I paid for photos, music and rehearsal dinner. DH's divorced parents aren't really in a position to pay for anything.

Anonymous wrote:I think people should keep in mind that not everyone can afford to pay for a wedding, and that for some $1500, and even $500 IS truly, a lot of money that is difficult to scrape together.

If someone has the brass to insist that her son not elope, but have a "real" wedding instead, she damn well better be willing to pay for a good part of it. If $1500 taps out OP, then she should have not complained about the intended elopement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Everyone attending the wedding, including the bride's parents who are also paying for the wedding, are also incurring this expense. It's not unique to you (I'm the PP who spent nearly $6K on my brother's wedding).

I am sorry you're hurt, but please for everyone's sake including the good of the long-term relationships, accept that you are incorrect here and let it go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

This is what you wrote in your original post:

They originally wanted to elope, but I told my son that I would be very upset to not get to be present at my child's wedding.

You wanted this, and now you're complaining that it's going to cost an arm and a leg to attend the wedding. They changed their plans for you, and now that's still not okay. Stop changing the goal posts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

Paying for yourselves to attend the wedding is not a contribution to the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

DH and I are still hurt. If everyone is saying though, that this is proper then it must be so. For us, to give $1500 is a lot. Also please keep in mind that we are spending a lot more than that on passports, outfits, our other child, flights, hotels, etc. This is not simply pulling out the dress I wear to each local wedding and spending one weekend day attending festivities.

OP, I am so so so glad I am not your future DIL.

So OP - are you convinced? Or are you like my MIL who insists that she's right on everything even if everyone around her disagrees?

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was horrible to me throughout our engagement and immediately after the wedding. I have never forgiven her and she has very limited access to my children. I have no guilt about this. Watch out.

Seriously. My MIL gave me the same crap about being included on the wedding invitations as a host (despite not paying, not actually hosting). 10 drama-filled years later and we now see my parents about 10 times for every 1 time we see her.