Op the more you respond the more I see the problem. You have adopted a major victim identity and kind of come across as woe is me all the time. I really think you need to start really thinking of how you vome across to people. If you have done all of this stuff to try to make friends and no one ever reciprocates, it is pretty clear you are doing something to turn people off.

I think you need to reframe things. None of our neighbors who had generators did anything for us, either. So what? I think you are in a victim type mode that is not serving you well. Get out there and participate on some activities. Join a book club. Go to a meetup. Do a group cooking class. Be friendly. I am not from the area and while it is not the friendliest of places, there are some nice people around here.

OP here. Re: the neighbors thing I will say that when we had the derecho in July and our house lost power for 5 days, none of our neighbors who had generators (including our next door neighbors), acquaintances/co-workers who knew we were sweating it out for 5 days offered to let us stay with them, have a place to relax in the air-conditioning for a few hours, have us over to charge our phones or use the washing machine, etc. I thought that was incredibly cold-hearted.

Okay you need to change your style of thinking. How were they supposed to know you weren't fine? I have friends who are freaks of nature and LOVE 102 degree days. I am uncomfortable when it gets over 70! Maybe they thought you were one of those. Or maybe they were so busy they forgot to think of you. You could have gone over and knocked on their door and said, "Hi! I'm Jess and live next door. Just popped by to see how you guys are doing in this crazy heat!" and struck up a conversation. This is what I mean - you're waiting for everyone to come to you but not reaching out to others. "There was a man who felt sorry for himself because he had no shoes, until he saw a man who had no feet." You had no a/c, OP. Someone else had no A/C AND was stressing out over their newborn, or their ailing senior citizen mother. Buck up! There's always someone who's got it worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In regards to co-workers with action packed weekends, there comes a point when you can't keep looking at what other people have. There is a part of me that wishes my family was closer, both geographically and emotionally, but to continually lament that my best friend from college has a big family and has something every weekend isn't going to change the fact I don't have a big family and even when my family lived near Aunts and Uncles we didn't see them often. My choice is either to have a big family myself or learn to be content with what I do have.

OP here. I like the dog idea, and have been looking into adopting a dog, but we have 3 cats already, and I am concerned with how they would react to a dog. The cats are wonderful company, but you're right, there's nothing like a dog to get you out and meeting people. It's just with the 3 cats it would have to be a dog who really loves cats, and the cats would have to really like the dog.

Anyhow, it's the accepting that I will never have a big family and all the close connections and emotional support that comes with it , and the fact that I really have no one here to lean on that I seem to be having a lot of difficulty with. Sure, I can call my college friends who are mainly on the West Coast to chat, but they can't be there for me if I have to go to the ER because of the flu when DH is on a business trip. I can't seem to keep comparing myself to my co-workers and others I am acquaintances with who have close, loving families and tons of friends who they get together with all the time.

I just can't seem to accept this fact that close friends and family is not in the cards for me and be able to move on, I am always wistful and envious of people who have big, loving, close families who do things together and always have plans and people around to support them. How do you accept this and move on and not be wistful and envious? I feel that my inability to accept and move on is causing me to be miserable. I literally think about this issue at least 20 times a day and think about how no one cares, over and over. I am an only child, which makes things worse, since I don't have any siblings to be close with, and while I have a lot of extended family, they are all on the West Coast and have zero interest in a relationship--the being overlooked thing again. My hometown is only a 15 hour drive from here, but my parents decided to move and retired to a place that's a 6 hour plane ride away. So I feel like they abandoned me to move to a place that had great weather, etc. at the expense of knowing they would only see me once a year and it makes me so sad that they made this decision.

Again, I will ask - have considered anti-depressants?

You don't need to accept anything for the long term. Your circumstances will change so much in the next 10 years in ways you can't know right now.

As far as family, I grew up in this area, my family still lives here. All my friends from childhood/high school - all but 1 has moved away. Family - all are busy with their own lives, we get together for holidays and that's it. So hinging your life on the belief that "family" will make it all better isn't always the best idea.

As far as worried about getting locked out, going to the ER etc, what you would do is knock on a neighbors door, tell them you are their neighbor (they likely know this and will recognize you ) and tell them you need help you out - let you use the phone, offer you a ride to the ER or will call an ambulance, etc. Really people are not as cold-hearted as you seem to think. Once spring is here, go out on the weekends and putter around your yard. Say hello to the neighbors and their kids, make small talk, etc. Don't worry about becoming their best friend just making a social connection will help make you feel less isolated.

OP here. Re: the neighbors thing I will say that when we had the derecho in July and our house lost power for 5 days, none of our neighbors who had generators (including our next door neighbors), acquaintances/co-workers who knew we were sweating it out for 5 days offered to let us stay with them, have a place to relax in the air-conditioning for a few hours, have us over to charge our phones or use the washing machine, etc. I thought that was incredibly cold-hearted.

Oh and on the dog think - dog rescues are always looking to foster. It's a shorter term commitment and if it doesn't work out with the cats, that's ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In regards to co-workers with action packed weekends, there comes a point when you can't keep looking at what other people have. There is a part of me that wishes my family was closer, both geographically and emotionally, but to continually lament that my best friend from college has a big family and has something every weekend isn't going to change the fact I don't have a big family and even when my family lived near Aunts and Uncles we didn't see them often. My choice is either to have a big family myself or learn to be content with what I do have.

OP here. I like the dog idea, and have been looking into adopting a dog, but we have 3 cats already, and I am concerned with how they would react to a dog. The cats are wonderful company, but you're right, there's nothing like a dog to get you out and meeting people. It's just with the 3 cats it would have to be a dog who really loves cats, and the cats would have to really like the dog.

Anyhow, it's the accepting that I will never have a big family and all the close connections and emotional support that comes with it , and the fact that I really have no one here to lean on that I seem to be having a lot of difficulty with. Sure, I can call my college friends who are mainly on the West Coast to chat, but they can't be there for me if I have to go to the ER because of the flu when DH is on a business trip. I can't seem to keep comparing myself to my co-workers and others I am acquaintances with who have close, loving families and tons of friends who they get together with all the time.

I just can't seem to accept this fact that close friends and family is not in the cards for me and be able to move on, I am always wistful and envious of people who have big, loving, close families who do things together and always have plans and people around to support them. How do you accept this and move on and not be wistful and envious? I feel that my inability to accept and move on is causing me to be miserable. I literally think about this issue at least 20 times a day and think about how no one cares, over and over. I am an only child, which makes things worse, since I don't have any siblings to be close with, and while I have a lot of extended family, they are all on the West Coast and have zero interest in a relationship--the being overlooked thing again. My hometown is only a 15 hour drive from here, but my parents decided to move and retired to a place that's a 6 hour plane ride away. So I feel like they abandoned me to move to a place that had great weather, etc. at the expense of knowing they would only see me once a year and it makes me so sad that they made this decision.

Again, I will ask - have considered anti-depressants?

You don't need to accept anything for the long term. Your circumstances will change so much in the next 10 years in ways you can't know right now.

As far as family, I grew up in this area, my family still lives here. All my friends from childhood/high school - all but 1 has moved away. Family - all are busy with their own lives, we get together for holidays and that's it. So hinging your life on the belief that "family" will make it all better isn't always the best idea.

As far as worried about getting locked out, going to the ER etc, what you would do is knock on a neighbors door, tell them you are their neighbor (they likely know this and will recognize you ) and tell them you need help you out - let you use the phone, offer you a ride to the ER or will call an ambulance, etc. Really people are not as cold-hearted as you seem to think. Once spring is here, go out on the weekends and putter around your yard. Say hello to the neighbors and their kids, make small talk, etc. Don't worry about becoming their best friend just making a social connection will help make you feel less isolated.

We moved here in our late 20s and have no family around. We have become friends with our coworkers, including those who had children before we did. We often went to kid birthday parties before we had kids. Super fun entertainment? Not really. But I like my coworkers and they are now my good friends, so it was worthwhile. I think you need to start inviting people to do things. We have invited lots of coworkers over to our house for brunch, dinner, etc. some have returned the invites and some have not. But you really need to make the effort if you want to have a more active social life.

OP, you need therapy. Period. The extent and depth of your feelings are not normal. You seem to have a serious persecution / victim complex. I imagine that some of this extreme anxiety comes across and turns people off.

Sorry for the tough love but working with a good therapist can change your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god OP! If your flu is that bad that you need to go to the ER just call a freaking taxi! You can call one even in the suburbs!

BTW, I do not know my neighbors names - the ones in my apartment building. However, when I was struggling home from the supermarket with a ton of groceries and a 5 yr old, and we were stopping to rest every half a block, a woman came up to me, said, "I recognize your daughter, don't you live over there? Me too. I will help." and she grabbed two bags and walked us right inside the building up to my front door. Just be friendly and reach out the tiniest bit. It sounds like you're waiting for people to come to you, but what are you doing to go to them?

OP here. I'm doing a lot to reach out to others, the problem is that they're either not receptive or it's never reciprocated. I invite new people to do things at least twice a month, I organize events for a few social groups from time to time, I started my own meetup.com group, I do thoughtful things for others like remember birthdays and send a card, I am really good at keeping relationships going--I have several friends from college (in other states) and I am great about keeping in touch regularly, etc.

Okay good. Sorry for my hissy fit. I do feel for you, really. You know what I suggest at this point? Go through this whole thread, make a list of every suggestion given to you. Delete doubles. Then delete the ones that don't work for you (getting a dog). Then each week pick one or two things to do from the list. So this coming week you'll try to start a book club and will bring candy to work. Next week you'll volunteer at an event and ... something else. See? BTW, I routinely check the Volunteer section on Craigslist - there's often lots of fun stuff to do and it draws me out to other parts of the city I'm not familiar with, gives me something to do on weekends, etc.

OP here. Thank you, I think that is a fantastic idea. A really, really good idea. There is a ton of excellent advice on this thread, and I am going to do exactly what you have suggested in terms of putting the advice into action. It makes me feel more optimistic to have a bunch of good new options to try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god OP! If your flu is that bad that you need to go to the ER just call a freaking taxi! You can call one even in the suburbs!

BTW, I do not know my neighbors names - the ones in my apartment building. However, when I was struggling home from the supermarket with a ton of groceries and a 5 yr old, and we were stopping to rest every half a block, a woman came up to me, said, "I recognize your daughter, don't you live over there? Me too. I will help." and she grabbed two bags and walked us right inside the building up to my front door. Just be friendly and reach out the tiniest bit. It sounds like you're waiting for people to come to you, but what are you doing to go to them?

OP here. I'm doing a lot to reach out to others, the problem is that they're either not receptive or it's never reciprocated. I invite new people to do things at least twice a month, I organize events for a few social groups from time to time, I started my own meetup.com group, I do thoughtful things for others like remember birthdays and send a card, I am really good at keeping relationships going--I have several friends from college (in other states) and I am great about keeping in touch regularly, etc.

Okay good. Sorry for my hissy fit. I do feel for you, really. You know what I suggest at this point? Go through this whole thread, make a list of every suggestion given to you. Delete doubles. Then delete the ones that don't work for you (getting a dog). Then each week pick one or two things to do from the list. So this coming week you'll try to start a book club and will bring candy to work. Next week you'll volunteer at an event and ... something else. See? BTW, I routinely check the Volunteer section on Craigslist - there's often lots of fun stuff to do and it draws me out to other parts of the city I'm not familiar with, gives me something to do on weekends, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god OP! If your flu is that bad that you need to go to the ER just call a freaking taxi! You can call one even in the suburbs!

BTW, I do not know my neighbors names - the ones in my apartment building. However, when I was struggling home from the supermarket with a ton of groceries and a 5 yr old, and we were stopping to rest every half a block, a woman came up to me, said, "I recognize your daughter, don't you live over there? Me too. I will help." and she grabbed two bags and walked us right inside the building up to my front door. Just be friendly and reach out the tiniest bit. It sounds like you're waiting for people to come to you, but what are you doing to go to them?

OP here. I'm doing a lot to reach out to others, the problem is that they're either not receptive or it's never reciprocated. I invite new people to do things at least twice a month, I organize events for a few social groups from time to time, I started my own meetup.com group, I do thoughtful things for others like remember birthdays and send a card, I am really good at keeping relationships going--I have several friends from college (in other states) and I am great about keeping in touch regularly, etc.

Oh my god OP! If your flu is that bad that you need to go to the ER just call a freaking taxi! You can call one even in the suburbs!

BTW, I do not know my neighbors names - the ones in my apartment building. However, when I was struggling home from the supermarket with a ton of groceries and a 5 yr old, and we were stopping to rest every half a block, a woman came up to me, said, "I recognize your daughter, don't you live over there? Me too. I will help." and she grabbed two bags and walked us right inside the building up to my front door. Just be friendly and reach out the tiniest bit. It sounds like you're waiting for people to come to you, but what are you doing to go to them?

Op, what do you have to offer a friendship? What are your interests? I feel for you and I'm sometimes lonely too, w very small family and only one semi close relative nearby. You sound depressed and until you take care of that, it may be hard for you to be a good friend.

Signed, someone who also wishes for one or two close nearby friends.

Anonymous wrote:
In regards to co-workers with action packed weekends, there comes a point when you can't keep looking at what other people have. There is a part of me that wishes my family was closer, both geographically and emotionally, but to continually lament that my best friend from college has a big family and has something every weekend isn't going to change the fact I don't have a big family and even when my family lived near Aunts and Uncles we didn't see them often. My choice is either to have a big family myself or learn to be content with what I do have.

OP here. I like the dog idea, and have been looking into adopting a dog, but we have 3 cats already, and I am concerned with how they would react to a dog. The cats are wonderful company, but you're right, there's nothing like a dog to get you out and meeting people. It's just with the 3 cats it would have to be a dog who really loves cats, and the cats would have to really like the dog.

Anyhow, it's the accepting that I will never have a big family and all the close connections and emotional support that comes with it , and the fact that I really have no one here to lean on that I seem to be having a lot of difficulty with. Sure, I can call my college friends who are mainly on the West Coast to chat, but they can't be there for me if I have to go to the ER because of the flu when DH is on a business trip. I can't seem to keep comparing myself to my co-workers and others I am acquaintances with who have close, loving families and tons of friends who they get together with all the time.

I just can't seem to accept this fact that close friends and family is not in the cards for me and be able to move on, I am always wistful and envious of people who have big, loving, close families who do things together and always have plans and people around to support them. How do you accept this and move on and not be wistful and envious? I feel that my inability to accept and move on is causing me to be miserable. I literally think about this issue at least 20 times a day and think about how no one cares, over and over. I am an only child, which makes things worse, since I don't have any siblings to be close with, and while I have a lot of extended family, they are all on the West Coast and have zero interest in a relationship--the being overlooked thing again. My hometown is only a 15 hour drive from here, but my parents decided to move and retired to a place that's a 6 hour plane ride away. So I feel like they abandoned me to move to a place that had great weather, etc. at the expense of knowing they would only see me once a year and it makes me so sad that they made this decision.

I forgot other possible options are softball and tennis. I've known people to become good friends with people from the softball team. I've also heard that there can be tennis clubs where after the matches they throw big parties and hang out afterwards. you can also be the person that organizes neighborhood get togethers. One of the coolest stories I ever heard is someone lived in a neighborhood where they extended the invitation to their neighbors for some sort of social gathering and spurred a tradition where all the neighbors would get together and alternate locations. While I haven't done it in years, I remember playing spades in college with old friends and new friends. My parents used to play cards when they went over their friends house while the kids went off to play. Maybe an old-fashion card party, along the lines of poker night. There are lots of options, you just have to find what would suit you best

In regards to co-workers with action packed weekends, there comes a point when you can't keep looking at what other people have. There is a part of me that wishes my family was closer, both geographically and emotionally, but to continually lament that my best friend from college has a big family and has something every weekend isn't going to change the fact I don't have a big family and even when my family lived near Aunts and Uncles we didn't see them often. My choice is either to have a big family myself or learn to be content with what I do have. As I was talking about having a big family a lightbulb of an idea just came on. Have you considered getting a dog? That may help with some of the feelings of loneliness and social anxiety. it may also help you feel less lonely when your husband travels. Also, dogs are a big social thing. We have gotten to recognize many neighbors by them walking their dogs. I remember one of my cousins saying that it was like she was invisible to her neighbors until she brought home a dog and suddenly everyone had heard about and wanted to see the puppy and from there she made social connections. My kids have been begging for a dog so I have been researching dogs, intrigued by all the dogs with jobs articles I read, and really thinking about all the benefits.

Hope one of these ideas help. Also, I have kids and I also had feelings of worry when my husband traveled that if anything happened, if I locked myself out of the house, or was in a fender bender when it was time to pickup the kids, what would happen. I also had a situation when DH was in an emergency room and I felt like I knew lots of people but didnt feel close enough to lean on anyone. I realize that I had my college friends that would be there for me in a heartbeat and I felt comfortble enough to call them - you still have college friends to call in that type of situation if you need to talk right? Also, as someone else mentioned people often rise to the occasion if you give them half a chance. When my washing machine broke down, I was frantically trying to find a laundromat. Meanwhile my neighbor later asked me why I didn't say anything sooner, that we could have used their washer. It was that moment that I realized that I can sometimes be so self-reliant that I overlook the obvious. So for example if you are going the dog route, ask people about dog rescue, dog fostering, finding a vet, training a puppy etc. Be willing to maybe have a dog sitting swap with another couple where you ask for help because you re going out of town but you are willing to do the same for them.