Anonymous wrote:I was very shy during middle and high school and very awkward socially. I am now successful and have overcome my shyness. One thing I learned: that most of the people I thought were popular in high school did not themselves feel popular. I found out that some of their behavior was their struggling with their own shyness/insecurity/social issues. Tell her that the popular types will overcome their problems, and she will be surprised how nice life is for her, and how nice they actually are, once both she and they are freed from adolescent anxiety.

I agree with these comments wholeheartedly. Highschool is a very self-absorbed time for most people. How you are veiwed and treated by peers is rarely reflective of the inner-workings of your own thoughts and emotions. Very few people this age have any idea how peers truly view them and, if they do, they generally think "wow, I have those kids fooled." Just something really smart to tell your DD to keep in mind, OP.

I think it is interesting that people like the PP make sweeping generalizations about people's lives based on facebook.

I keep FB positive. I also KNOW that FB is a permanent record. I run marathons, have a cute family, work an amazing FT job that I love, am still a size 6, have a bunch of friends, live in a nice home in a prime location,and travel really cool places.

The above is all true, but of course everything is not perfect, but there is no need to be a Debbie Downer for all the world to hear. Facebook is a personal marketing tool.

I'll depress myself if it'll help a child's self esteem.

In my high school yearbook you'll find my picture under the following superlatives: "Most Popular" "Most Athletic" "Most Likely to be President" "Class Clown" (Not sure how those two go together) "Most Outspoken" "Most Likely to Start a Revolution"
I was also Class President for two years and Student Body President for a year. I played every sport and was captain of a few of our teams.

I dropped out of college senior year, got married, and am currently unemployed. My home life is very happy. Financial life and career history sucks. I was too ashamed to go to my high school reunion. I was super athletic in high school, but I've gained about forty pounds since then.

I was never mean or elitist in high school so I keep in touch with a lot of people on FB (old pic though and virtually no personal info). All of the nerds and "freaks" are kicking ass and taking names. The guys have sprouted and become more confident, while the girls have blossomed or found their style and rhythm. Tell her to hang in there. She'll have the last laugh.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like pretty much everyone went to school their whole lives in one place? Any diplomat or military kids who want to weigh in? I went to three different high schools and three different colleges. Pretty much had no friends, still don't save one from high school whom I keep up with on FB. I am not a super star, didn't get a stealler degree, didn't go to grad school. Didn't even know that was an option. In my military family the expectation was to get the MRS degree (yep, sad) and that's pretty much what I did. So I can't really answer your question because I stayed so far below the friends radar I have no idea where anyone is these days and really don't care.

Not everyone. I was like you PP. Not a military kid, but moved all over the country and went to 11 different schools in 12 years. 3 different high schools. It made me very shy at first, but by my final move in 11th grade, I was over it. I was sick of having so few friends, so I started to be more social. But all through high school, I was a brainy drama/chorus/art freak, and that didn't change. Didn't change in college either, where I became fairly extroverted in the end, with a large group of friends I'm still in touch with nearly 20 years later. I feel that all the moving made me very adaptable, comfortable with change, and able to fit in with different social groups. Now I work in media in a creative job I love, and have had success in my career. Married another creative type. My creative kid looks like he's headed the same way.

Like other PPs have said, tell your daughter to find a group of people she likes. It's not about being popular - it's about learning how to relate to people, how to develop a social radar. And it's also about being a good person. Karma isn't always a bitch the way we'd like it to be (mean popular girls do not typically end up in trailer parks), but popular or not, if a mean person doesn't change and grow beyond high school as most people are able to do, life will catch up with them eventually.

I was another druggie/pothead but also took AP classes and was commended by teachers a lot for possessing academic skill (small pond). Stoned everyday. Smashed my car up a lot. Stupid.

I didn't go with a group but was all over the place. Went to the parties but usually hung with whomever I'd come with, although that varied. Friends with the band kids during the day and the druggies or goth/synthpop fiends on weekends.

I was attracted to befriending "broken" people, but only the ones who still had heart. Have always been a very good judge of character. Now I'm a teacher married to an attorney... but should have sought a career in counseling.

I was a terrible druggie in high school. Self destructive to the max. Stoned every day, all day. Experimented a lot with heavier stuff.

Now I am on the verge of making partner at big law. Been an eventful last 15 years.

I only hope my own kids inherit my luck.

In case you are wondering, I am a woman.

I was popular and years later happen to have one of those drama nerds working for me, we went to school together(so she tells me)
.she is obsessed with high-school always asking me about my friends and referring to them as the cool kids. It is freaky and obsessive. Get over it


I think we have some obsessive nerds here still bearing scars.

Anonymous wrote:I was not a cool girl nor did I want to be. I had no problem standing up for the underdog and would take on a queen B if I had to. Had a streak of mischief, but worked hard. Not popular, but had lots of leadership positions. Formed close friendships-always into quality not quantity. Went to an ivy-worked hard (somewhat), played hard (big time-got known as a partier.) Grad school, etc etc. Now happily married with two kids working part time.

It may sound cliche, but a lot of the cool kids I knew did indeed struggle-these are the ones I have heard about:

Cool Nice guy-drug abuse-in and out of rehap, but by late 20s turned things around and settled down. Doing well.

Cool guy hottie asshole-Depressed and misses the glory days. Divorced. Very overweight. Cannot make a decent living.

Cool girl #1 at school-self absorbed, but not a mean girl. Divorced and re-married. Can't find herself careerwise. Wants kids. Struggles with weight and all the sun damage from having the best tan. Looks much older.

Cool girl #2 -total bully bitch. -had major health issues in college and she became a better more empathetic person. She also found herself as a yogini. Married with 2 kids.

We would be friends IRL

Anonymous wrote:hmm, well I used to think that too OP. I was a nerd (valedictorian in hs, honors bio in college, PhD in 3 years) and all it got me was a so-so job in govt. The jocks in my hs are now lawyers and rolling it in. Still I'm happy and raising my child to be a nerd like me and her dad.

Why don't you just raise you kid to be the individual they want? Not just a nerdling?

I was not a cool girl nor did I want to be. I had no problem standing up for the underdog and would take on a queen B if I had to. Had a streak of mischief, but worked hard. Not popular, but had lots of leadership positions. Formed close friendships-always into quality not quantity. Went to an ivy-worked hard (somewhat), played hard (big time-got known as a partier.) Grad school, etc etc. Now happily married with two kids working part time.

It may sound cliche, but a lot of the cool kids I knew did indeed struggle-these are the ones I have heard about:

Cool Nice guy-drug abuse-in and out of rehap, but by late 20s turned things around and settled down. Doing well.

Cool guy hottie asshole-Depressed and misses the glory days. Divorced. Very overweight. Cannot make a decent living.

Cool girl #1 at school-self absorbed, but not a mean girl. Divorced and re-married. Can't find herself careerwise. Wants kids. Struggles with weight and all the sun damage from having the best tan. Looks much older.

Cool girl #2 -total bully bitch. -had major health issues in college and she became a better more empathetic person. She also found herself as a yogini. Married with 2 kids.

hmm, well I used to think that too OP. I was a nerd (valedictorian in hs, honors bio in college, PhD in 3 years) and all it got me was a so-so job in govt. The jocks in my hs are now lawyers and rolling it in. Still I'm happy and raising my child to be a nerd like me and her dad.

^ people from my HS were very surprised when I married Ivy League Big Law.

In HS at first I was lost, then I joined the "Glee Club" (art, theatre, rich, smart) group and was very happy in HS. Really just stuck with close friends and did my work -- a trait that has stayed with me. DH of many years much the same. we are sociable, but still we have our loner side, which suits us. The popular kids were in their own group and dance/cheer/jocks. Some of those folks are amazingly successful and now I realize how much they depended on coming from money, growing money and becoming successful in a conventional way. I grew up in a college town. Seems idyllic now, looking back.
Some of the cool kids in my HS became moderately famous. There were also some drug drop outs.
I feel pretty successful in life. Married a Big Law, now Small law. We have nice kids and live a good suburban life.
I will agree with you about your DD -- the important thing is to find people that you fit in with and who like and support you. Also, pursue an interest that you love. That is the secret of the "band nerd" success. They have something that they are good at and they love, and have others who are doing the same. It keeps them away from the bad paths in life and gives a lasting interest. Developing an interest is extremely important --even if she changes to another interest.

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, it's people who develop good social skills that do well in life (controlling for intelligence). So while it's good to be smart, it's much better to be smart and social. That said, your daughter doesn't have to figure this out in HS. I'd encourage her to find some group that she can practice her social skills on (community service, music, part-time job, etc). The more she practices with a wide variety of people the better she will get at it. It's something I wish I had focused more on in HS myself (I was the recluse).



Word up.

Yup.

Some business skills don't hurt, either. I heard a rock star hero say once that's what he wished he'd been taught. Because you may want to do nothing but play your guitar your whole life, but if you play it for money, you're a businessman. And you'll do better if you're not an ignorant one.

BTW, smart kid and band geek. Turned out fine.

Anonymous wrote:I was just like ally sheedy's character in The Breakfast Club. Totally weird and a social outcast. I blossomed in college and had a blast. I married a gorgeous man and have a great career and four kids. Not many people know about my past.

Just to add, I went to 6 different schools from 6th-12th grade. The longest I spent at any school was 2 yrs. I just developed a coping mechanism that look weird to outsiders. I really wasn't that weird inside.