Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

All I ca tell you, as an exhausted wife who misses her sex life and feels rejected by her husband (while he is busy moping over the lack of sex himself) is that you have to find the right times to initiate. Make an effort to give her a break, to give her adult time that isn't all about the family. I feel like I've lost myself since I'm on family duty ALL the time--and that makes it really hard for me to feel sexy and confident which is what drives me to initiate sex. Hire a babysitter and go out--not with the expectation of sex, just to maintain a connection that is outside of your kids. Go to bed at the same time as her--I can guarantee sex isn't happening when my husband stays up 2 hours later than me and sleeps in on weekend mornings.

This stuff all sounds kind of obvious, but I can tell you it's what I wish my husband had done, and what I wish I had realized I needed earlier. We've hit a really low point in our marriage that I'm not sure we're going to survive because of this kind of disconnect. Sex is just one aspect of it, but it's a really clear symptom of that larger divide.

+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

DW was LD before marriage. What I didn't realize is HOW LD she was/is. Once would think marriage would open people up. I think most people expect more sex once married rather than less sex after marriage.

Nobody thinks that.

So, you expected less sex after marriage huh?

We were having sex daily, I expected less sex once we were married. I figured all the jokes, movies, etc. had to have something to it. Plus, I figured in our lives together, we probably wouldn't be having sex every day.

Guess what, we don't. We have sex once a week - it works for us. We do sometimes joke about the days when we were younger (and when we are on vacation we live those days!) but whatever. We've been together 10 years! We've slowed down.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

You have a FOUR MONTH OLD and you are bitching that your wife doesn't want to have sex? Have you tried childbirth? I suggest you go have someone rip off your balls, sew them back on again, and then see how often you are itching for sex.

Just go screw a prostitute already. Life is more than sex.

I used to have a higher drive at the start of our relationship (wife here , married 10 years, 2 children).

I didn't expect my drive to change - but it did.

A combination of things have caused me to change -

boredom: sex drive was higher when things were "new"

stress: from jobs, money, kids, life.....

attraction: DH has gained weight and become less attractive

resentment: DH has changed - has become greedy, power hungry, selfish.....

Things change.........

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK everyone calm down. DW here. I think a lot of women downplay how important meeting your partner's sexual needs actually is. Somehow that is the first thing that women write off when they're tired, busy, not interested.

While I agree that OP should probably not approach his wife the way he stated (lest he wants to get punched in the face) I think he has a valid complaint. He shouldn't be expected to live like this any more than she should expect him NOT to help out with everything in the house.

Sure, but from what he's saying, she's also the new parent of two little kids. Biologically, her sex drive is not at it's highest. There are just not the huge volume of people having tons of sex with two little kids that he's imagining. I would counsel some patience, enjoy all the things about her that he loves, engage in the amount of masturbation that makes him happy, and wait until they both have the breathing room to address whatever issues remain when they don't have an infant in the house.

This. If men had to give be pregnant, give birth to children, physically recover and breastfeed for a year then maybe they would get why we're not raring to fuck constantly.

OK LD spouse.

Anonymous wrote:OP, Sexless wife here. Oh, I feel you. We do it 6-8 times per year and have done it less some years. I too feel that marrying someone LD was a mistake but I will never say so to DH because I know that would be devastating for him. We too have had "the talk" and written communication and I have had counselin. The basics will not change. If you plan to get sexual satisfaction in other ways I think you owe it to your wife to tell her about it.

BTW -- Those who are not HD spouses yoked to LD spouses, please shut up. I wanted sex during and immediately after three pregnancies, whether I worked or SAHed, breastfed or not. I want sex at least 300 days out of every year. Drive is not about what's going on in your life; it's about how sex makes you feel.

Bully for you, honey. Out of the countless women I know with children only one is like you, so you are not exactly the norm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

Sorry, PP. You are right to chide me for my lack of civility. I admire your strength in handling sexual frustration. I have been dealing with these issues for nearly a decade and don't have the positive outlook you do. Bravo!

Thanks. I've been dealing with some other much larger issues in the last two years or so that have REALLY put the sex thing into perspective. A lot. And that has really helped shape my outlook. But I completely get your frustration. Good luck to you.

I don't know if either of you are OP, but I'm the LD in my relationship and as much as OP's original phrasing of his question wasn't particularly sensitive or honoring of the very understandable exhaustion his DW is feeling with 2 kids (one 4 mo old), I DO want to say to OP that I think it's very very good that you are expressing this, and that you are NOT seeing it as "F this, if I can't get what I want at home and don't want to leave because of the kids, I'm just gonna do my thing outside of the house. I feel justified and I'm not gonna feel bad about it because I have needs!"

This is teh rationalization that SO MANY of the HD spouses make in their decisions to cheat, and I feel like you're at least doing the right thing by expressing your frsutration, seeking to understand better, and hopefully figuring out that many PPs are right - if you actually take up way more of the burden of caring for the kids and keeping your household stable and in order, your DW may very well start to feel a bit better and her desire may increase. If nothing else, she will hopefully feel better and just be more of someone you enjoy being around (and she enjos being!) because you are demonstrating your love and commitment by actually doing your part and showing you see where she needs help. That can go a really long way.

Still sounds like you need to talk to her a lot more about how you're feeling (not just the one time) and maybe ask her her perspective on it. But at least you are reaching out somewhere and not justifying cheating, which is too easy for too many to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK everyone calm down. DW here. I think a lot of women downplay how important meeting your partner's sexual needs actually is. Somehow that is the first thing that women write off when they're tired, busy, not interested.

While I agree that OP should probably not approach his wife the way he stated (lest he wants to get punched in the face) I think he has a valid complaint. He shouldn't be expected to live like this any more than she should expect him NOT to help out with everything in the house.

Sure, but from what he's saying, she's also the new parent of two little kids. Biologically, her sex drive is not at it's highest. There are just not the huge volume of people having tons of sex with two little kids that he's imagining. I would counsel some patience, enjoy all the things about her that he loves, engage in the amount of masturbation that makes him happy, and wait until they both have the breathing room to address whatever issues remain when they don't have an infant in the house.

This. If men had to give be pregnant, give birth to children, physically recover and breastfeed for a year then maybe they would get why we're not raring to fuck constantly.

I expected roughly the same amount of sex after marriage. We dated several years and our sex life was consistent, so it didn't seem like an unreasonable expectation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

DW was LD before marriage. What I didn't realize is HOW LD she was/is. Once would think marriage would open people up. I think most people expect more sex once married rather than less sex after marriage.

Nobody thinks that.

So, you expected less sex after marriage huh?

Anonymous wrote:Hey, are you helping out around the house? Or is the sum total of your contribution sitting on the couch whining about your lack of sex while she's scrambling to cook and clean up after you and the kids? Do you take her out? Tell her she's beautiful? Buy her something nice to wear? Plan a special outing just for her? Flowers?

Seriously OP, you are an entitled ass if you think just by showing up you have a right to anything.

Did you just read the 1st post and hit reply?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

DW was LD before marriage. What I didn't realize is HOW LD she was/is. Once would think marriage would open people up. I think most people expect more sex once married rather than less sex after marriage.

Nobody thinks that.

Hey, are you helping out around the house? Or is the sum total of your contribution sitting on the couch whining about your lack of sex while she's scrambling to cook and clean up after you and the kids? Do you take her out? Tell her she's beautiful? Buy her something nice to wear? Plan a special outing just for her? Flowers?

Seriously OP, you are an entitled ass if you think just by showing up you have a right to anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "do more shit to make her life easier" solution can probably work sometimes. But the only thing it guarantees is making her life easier. Frequently that just means she'll fill up more time by doing things other than having sex with you.

If the problem is that she's LD and not that she's simply gassed every moment of every day, being nurturing, caring, available, and dependable isn't going to make her all tingly for you.

Read a few romance novels and try to be more like the heroes in those books -- wealthy and ripped seems to be a good start.

DOH! 0 for 2

Seriously though, try to work out and see if you have options to increase the income. It probably will make you more attractive to your wife and, if not, you're still healthier, better looking, and wealthier. So, win-win.

No, it'll make her resentful that her husband is at work too much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

Sorry, PP. You are right to chide me for my lack of civility. I admire your strength in handling sexual frustration. I have been dealing with these issues for nearly a decade and don't have the positive outlook you do. Bravo!

Thanks. I've been dealing with some other much larger issues in the last two years or so that have REALLY put the sex thing into perspective. A lot. And that has really helped shape my outlook. But I completely get your frustration. Good luck to you.