OP I understand your frustration completely.

As to how to handle it, that is more complicated. I like things simple, though. And in this case, OP, an "oh well" would do alot more to reduce your stress than what you did. Im not saying what you did is wrong, either.

Im guessing you were just offended she would do something that is the exact opposite of what you stated, and so specifically opposite.

There are two basic explanations.
1) She is one of those "Ah nonsense, its for the kids. It will make them happy" kind of grandmas, in which case "oh well" is the appropriate response because you cannot contrl her or the relatives who contributed. Accept the gift graciously and move on.

OR

2) she is a passive agressive. In which case I have to wonder how this could possibly be the first case of it you have had to deal with. In which case your response might have been something she had coming.

If its #2, then its always going to be an issue in one way or another and you need to find a way to deal with it. Usually classic passive agressives are in denial.

If its #1, Im afraid that you would be better off having left it alone, only because despite you being absolutely correct that you made your wishes clear and for all the correct reasons, its still her call.

All the negativity you got here reflects realing with a situation that is actually complicated by details too large in quantity to provide in the original post. I wonder, for example, what DH's perspective is. He must know his mom pretty well.

Maybe one way to lighten your mood about it is to consider that if this is her greatest sin, then you can be glad!!

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone notice OP say "we use the money for things they need or to fund their activities"

I think the OP is misted pissed she didn't get her family Christmas kid support from DH's family.

Exactly, OP wanted cash. How greedy.

I have a mixed family, adult step-daughters. I have gotten the strangest gifts from them and I'm pretty sure it was to get a rise out of me. I have also received incredibly thoughtful gifts. However, no matter what I received, I said thank you and acted appreciative. That's what you have to do if you truly want to get along.

So every time you've told your MIL that you do not, under any circumstances, want X, she gets you... X. And yet you act shocked, confused and frustrated every time. Hasn't this lost the element of surprise by now?

On the bright side, congratulations! You have your kids' next birthday party paid for.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL says she is donating all of them now . And will rebuy the kids other things. I told her this is ridiculous, just give the kids the cards. I told her this is not about the cards and that the kids will use them throughout the year. I told her that it was about how she always just hears what she wants to and never listens to anyone else. I told her one year what I was buying DH....then she bought him one too. I told her not to put my DS in church daycare when we visited and she slipped out and put him in the daycare. DH and I asked that she not send us any more religious propoganda...she sends us cards saying our family will go to hell (in nicer words) if we don't embrace God. It's been like this for years...and to the pps that say I can't change her...well its still so frustrating! I am tired of everyone just bowing down and letting MIL manipulate everyone into doing what she wants. Nobody has a flippin backbone. I was not raised to be a doormat. I have apologized to her for even saying anything and for not being gracious. I do feel like I stepped down to her level. But in the end, she will make this whole situation about her and boo hoo me. She already sent out a prayer request to help her in her prayer group. Does this clear things up a bit?

Sure. She's maybe a nutjob. But you are letting her get to you. Fighting fire with fire just leads to scortched earth. You need better strategies.

1. If she sends you stuff you don't like, throw it away. Ignore. Move on. Why are YOU letting this bother you so much? She's not even your mother...

2. Stop telling her what to do. You know it doesn't work and it pisses you off when it doesn't work. You are therefore behaving completely irrationally.

3. Do not trust her to convey information to any other person in the family. You (or better yet, your husband) should communicate with his siblings etc directly.

4. If you give her power, she will wield it. So for Pete's sake, stop.

Really, OP, you are being a drama queen and that is the WORST thing to be when you're dealing with another drama queen.

Op you don't understand generational respect..I would never confront my mil..even if she annoyed me because she is my mil..you are arguing about gifts for goodness sake. Op I think you are the controlling type and sounds like younhave no problem telling off old people. Rude..maybe a little religion would be good for you.mfyi most posts I see say you were wrong to be so aggressive..will you learn from this or at some point your husband is going to get tired of you

I would be distressed because it was wasteful, and if MIL misrepresented my wishes to other family members (i.e., saying it was my idea, or that I had said it was what the kids really wanted). But I don't think you have a right to be upset that people won't be getting your kids something different - you can't expect gifts, and the family doesn't have to get anything at all. I would feel comfortable saying to MIL, "we are not really a family that is in a financial place where a $300 gift towards build a bear makes sense. While it is generous of people to give the kids anything at all, I wish you had not directed everyone to give towards build a bear when I had asked you not to do that. Next time, please listen to me."

I would be distressed on behalf of my extended family members who were wasting their hard-earned money, but not distressed on behalf of my kiDS or myself. That being said, I would certainly be irritated at MIL but wouldn't say anything. I also would never give her another gift recommendation. Can you tell DH's grandparents to return the gift card? Why on earth would they buy something they couldn't afford? Very strange story.