Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all of those here acting like a forgetful spouse isn't worth keeping, consider how much more work you'd have to do if you're on your own. I can guarantee you that it's harder to do everything by yourself.

nope. Wouldn’t have the CHRONIC messes, mistakes, setbacks, lying, and arguing from the other spouse.

Hahaha have to agree here in good fun. The messes my husband has created has taken away hundreds of hours of mostly my, but out time, over the years to recover from. The aftermath of dealing with a stolen car, flooded kitchen etc...

He has also gone away on extended business trips where I do need to handle everything myself and it is so much more mentally streamlined. When you rely on someone who is unreliable day to day it is very stressful. Backtracking to clean up literal and figurative messes is also very taxing.

All in all I love my husband and I am here for the long run, but I’m just saying that it is real work and a strain. Because at the end of the day I am doing most of the work, and also holding patience and space for someone who really struggles with it. When they create a mess I am their partner in cleaning it up.

Think of it as having a really unreliable partner on a case, client, or transaction with you. It actually makes all the work more cumbersome.

NP - my DH keeps forgetting to turn off the gas stove. Thank god we aren't going anywhere, because somebody is always home to check. It is worrisome.

Anonymous wrote:Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

Being able to hyperfocus is actually a hallmark of ADHD - its the details and everyday life where the distractions come into play. Plus, changes in routine can exacerbate these issues. As a person with mild ADHD, I also consider my spouse a micromanager - but he has high anxiety so it helps him to cope with his anxiety and is not a referendum on my distractability. Having kids will be hard in the early years between the distractability and your fears unless you learn to let it be and work around his issues - OR, he does what I did, and finally gets help for the ADHD - it makes ALL the difference....

This is such an old thread but I just came open this. My DH is just like OP described. What has helped us is just letting him learn the hard way. He used to call me a micromanager too.

He started to pay more attention after he left my car unlocked and it was stolen from in front of our house (in NW DC), our refrigerator flooded our kitchen due to being left with a drawer a smidge open, and numerous times I have come home and the front door is wide open or with a key in it. Another time he left his car unlocked and then found his belongings strewn all up and down our street. Even these times he has often denied responsibility, but I can tell he knows deep down he did because he has started to shift his behavior. We have been together 10+ years.

My advice would be that when you can bear it, just let the consequence occur. Don’t “save” it. I’m not saying to be negligent and ignore issues, but like if I were to have “saved” me and my husband from these issues I would have to check our cars every time he drives them, check the doors each time he goes in/out of the house, check the fridge. Omgee I would go nuts. Instead just live your life and let it happen. I think in parenting they call this a “natural consequence”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered — the forgetfulness about basic things could be an early sign of future Alzheimer’s? In this situation and I’m worried about this.

Thought the same thing when I read the post and it's definitely something to consider. Is the behavior new? Getting worse?

My father passed away from Alzheimer's and when I was in my 40's I began to become concerned whenever I would forget something. I spoke to a neurologist friend who indicated that in someone young, >90% the forgetfulness is a function of stress. OP: does your DH have a stressful job? Family? Etc. Etc.

Anonymous wrote:Raising a baby with someone who has ADHD is pretty difficult. You might want to rethink that.

Agree with this. Your partner needs to be willing to see a professional to find tools that work, and actually use them. Whether that includes therapist, medication, a long term executive coach, etc. The partner needs to both understand there needs to be change and make the change happen.

Or there will be misery. It will be miserable. Not the first year with kids. Not the third year. Around years five - seven you’ll be getting frustrated and then angry and then sad. By years ten - fourteen there may be so much resentment on your end, it will be nearly impossible to recover.

Do things now.

I would not have children with your DH. I’m sorry but it will only get worse. Also, if you think you are stressed now, you will be beyond stressed. Unless he can make so serious improvements, I wouldn’t consider children.

Raising a baby with someone who has ADHD is pretty difficult. You might want to rethink that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, we have been together for about 10 years and my husband has always been slightly forgetful, like forgetting his keys, jacket, wallet etc...time to time. Since we married and started living together, past 6 years, I realize that he forgets to lock the car doors, sometimes leaves the electrical stove top on, lights on, and fridge door open (does not push it back completely). He is very successful at his work (I don't think he has ADD, he can focus and do things for hours) and I think he doesn't care about the importance of these minor issues. When I remind him some of these, he calls me the micromanager and he gets angry. We are considering of having a baby and I just can't bring myself about how I would trust him with taking care of the baby. How could I talk to him so that he is more attentive, cares more? Has anyone got some proven techniques? Thanks!

My husband is like this. He left our 6 months old in a parking lot to come see what I was buying at a small store. I can’t believe he was that careless. For this reason, I don’t feel comfortable leaving our child under his care. He also overfeeds with formula.
Does your DH have nephews? You could observe how he interacts with young children before making the decision to have a child together.

Left your baby in a car, unattended to check up on you. He is an absolute moron.

My dh has always done this. He grew up in a safe area where they didn't have to make sure the house was locked up like a fort every night. And he's a morning person.

I'm a night person who has a hard time doing almost anything in the am, but makes sure everything is locked at night.

Are you confident that he is not experiencing some genuine cognitive impairment? There are very solid 5 minute tests online, but he'd have to be willing to take one.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered — the forgetfulness about basic things could be an early sign of future Alzheimer’s? In this situation and I’m worried about this.

Thought the same thing when I read the post and it's definitely something to consider. Is the behavior new? Getting worse?

I'm sure someone's neurosurgeon husband also leaves the door open at night and can't find his keys in the morning (oh wait, they are in the door you left open)- on occasion.

This doesn't mean ADD/ADHD, autism.

This means all men (and people) are careless at times and forgetful. But yes, I will say my DH is way more frequently than I am.

Anonymous wrote:For all of those here acting like a forgetful spouse isn't worth keeping, consider how much more work you'd have to do if you're on your own. I can guarantee you that it's harder to do everything by yourself.

nope. Wouldn’t have the CHRONIC messes, mistakes, setbacks, lying, and arguing from the other spouse.

Anonymous wrote:
Has anyone considered — the forgetfulness about basic things could be an early sign of future Alzheimer’s? In this situation and I’m worried about this.


Hadn't considered this before but it is a possibility. I hope you or your spouse don't have Alzheimer's.

Is the behavior new? I’m PP and have always had these tendencies (I lost my college ID card 18 times) and also do a thing where I accidentally say the wrong word often. I’m not concerned though, since I’ve always been that way.