Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 22:11     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
OP,

This is how Bar/Bat Mitzvahs work. Please explain this to your husband. It's cultural relativity. Also, think about it. If they invited all their son's friends' siblings, then what? It's hard to invite some and not all. You are not putting yourself in their shoes! These events cost a small fortune. Please let it slide, say nothing! If DH doesn't go, because he's miffed or is staying with DD, don't explain way.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 22:11     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
I get that Bar Mitzvah guests are usually friends and family of the Bar Mitzvah boy. I also get that if the parents' budget will accommodate it, that they might invite "friends of the family" I think it's a bit more difficult to make the case that only the son and his parents are "friends of the family', while their daughter residing in the same house is not.

In practical terms, people must understand that if they are creating a childcare situation for you, you might have to decline. I agree with the previous posters who said that you can't fish for an invitation for your daughter, but you can send just your son or your son with one parent.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 22:01     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.


What is YDD supposed to do during the reception? Hang out in the coat check room?

LOL, but I'm sure a gift was expected.
It sounds like situations where a bride and groom want a bigger wedding than they can afford so they invite everyone to the church, then only invite "close family and friends" to the reception.


Anybody can come to the service, no invitation is necessary, and many times the reception is held in the evening, entirely separately from the service.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 22:01     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.


What is YDD supposed to do during the reception? Hang out in the coat check room?


Seriously. This is even worse than not inviting the younger kid at all. At the very least they had to know it would be a logistical nightmare for the parents (unless the party was held several hours later or the next day rather than immediately afterward).

For what it's worth, I wouldn't see anything wrong with what your neighbors did if they didn't know your daughter -- if they were friendly with you and their son was friends with yours, and that's it. But since you say the entire families are close, including your daughter, then they should have invited her. That said, it would be very tacky to say anything about it.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:49     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I think it is poor form to invite a entire family except for one child. Yes, you can justify it that the older boy is friends of the Bar Mitzvah and the parents are friends of the couple. But any way you slice it, you are excluding a single member of the family. And that's just tasteless in my book.


This! Which makes me think that they must have unintentionally left your DD off the invite.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:46     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.


What is YDD supposed to do during the reception? Hang out in the coat check room?

LOL, but I'm sure a gift was expected.
It sounds like situations where a bride and groom want a bigger wedding than they can afford so they invite everyone to the church, then only invite "close family and friends" to the reception.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:44     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.


What is YDD supposed to do during the reception? Hang out in the coat check room?
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:42     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I think it is poor form to invite a entire family except for one child. Yes, you can justify it that the older boy is friends of the Bar Mitzvah and the parents are friends of the couple. But any way you slice it, you are excluding a single member of the family. And that's just tasteless in my book.


+ 1000.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:36     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.

IMO, its tacky to invite guests to the ceremony and not the party.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:13     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:In our experience with bar/bat mitzvahs, the child who is a classmate/friend is invited. If we are good friends with the family, we (parents) are also invited. The other kids in my family have never been invited, and I would never expect that they should be. {And if we (parents) are not close, only the one child is invited>}


This was my experience as well.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 21:11     Subject: Re:9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
OP, we are a family of four. We were invited to the bat mitzvah of friends' older daughter. Our daughter was also invited because she is friends with the younger daughter - but only invited to the ceremony, not the party. I really didn't think much of it.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 20:23     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes. But to say that OP should feel offended or should tell the host that DD is offended and ask for an invitation for her is completely out of line and truly a slap in the face for what was truly an invitation of honor. It's a cultural thing that OP is missing and taking as a slight. Very unfortunate. This is a learning experience. So sad that people automatically look for the bad instead of the good...

This is OP, I am not looking for the bad, nor am I out of line. I was asking as this TOTALLY different from what I would do. We are Greek. To invite 3/4 of a family is, in our culture, a slap in the face. It is an insult and if you were to do this, the family receiving the invitation would assume that the uninvited person must have done something HORRIBLE to you, otherwise, they would not be left out. Moreover, it would likely mean your relationship with that family wouldn't be the same from that point forward. Family is family, we invite children, even young ones, to weddings and baptisms. I did not realize that Bar Mitzvah's are only for 13 year old children and a handful of adults. So that's why I asked. At the older son's baptism there were a lot of neighbors there (the parents have no nieces, nephews or cousins). I assumed the only reason DD was not invited to the older kids party was because of her age, because that is what I was told. Now that she is older, I assumed (when my neighbor was sharing her planning and talking about it) that our whole family would be invited. Now that I know its only for 13 year olds, I understand why she was not invited. I will likely take DS and DH will stay home with DD. She will be sad, yes... she has been involved with helping the neighbor's son with his project which is another reason I thought she would be included. Its not a huge deal - now that I understand.


There are no cultural "rules" about who should be invited to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in Reform or Conservative families. None. (Although in Syrian Jewish families, for example, the entire community is invited - hundreds of people will come to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah). Your neighbors made a decision about who to have and it seems as though they decided not to include your daughter. Personally, I invited entire families of people with whom we were close friends. I erred on the side of inviting entire families in exactly the situation the OP is in - it would be so awkward to invite everybody but one member of the family! Some of the time I assumed the 'extra' kid wouldn't come, but I would have been happy to have them. However, I also believe that the host of these kinds of events are entitled to invite whoever they want since they are paying for it. So - yes - I would have been offended if everybody in my family except my youngest child wasn't invited to my close friends' celebration and I totally understand the OP's bewilderment about the situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 19:56     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:

Take it up with G-d, honey. Jews reach adulthood when they become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. They are permitted to read from the Torah, which is no small thing. If you don't subscribe to this belief, that's fine, but it's not like the OP's neighbor made it up. And certainly they are not being rude to exclude a child from an adult occasion.

Not to mention -- are you really saying you think a 9-year-old has equal capacity to understand this occasion as a 13-year-old? That's absurd.


If no one under 13 is ever allowed at a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, that would be one thing. It would be like non-LDS members not being allowed to attend an LDS wedding. Those are the rules. But in this case, the BM family (not a higher being) has decided not to invite someone. That's their call, to which they are entitled, but snookums, it doesn't need to be taken up by anyone with anyone. It's a hosting question, not a theological one.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 19:24     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would probably just RSVP for you and DS, and explain that DH needs to stay home with DD. That will give them the opportunity to invite DD. If they are silent, then you have your answer.


Yes, this.

And I hate "we can't invite everyone because it would be too expensive" is a terrible explanation. You have a choice to have a simpler event (wedding, bar mitzvah, whatever) and invite more people. You choose to pass. Fine. But it's not as though this decision was forced on you. Own it.

I'm also puzzled by the PP's suggestion that a 9YO can't appreciate the significance of the event. Really? Magically, at 13, they can, but before that it's just a mysterious haze?


Take it up with G-d, honey. Jews reach adulthood when they become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. They are permitted to read from the Torah, which is no small thing. If you don't subscribe to this belief, that's fine, but it's not like the OP's neighbor made it up. And certainly they are not being rude to exclude a child from an adult occasion.

Not to mention -- are you really saying you think a 9-year-old has equal capacity to understand this occasion as a 13-year-old? That's absurd.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 19:19     Subject: 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:I would probably just RSVP for you and DS, and explain that DH needs to stay home with DD. That will give them the opportunity to invite DD. If they are silent, then you have your answer.


+1