Anonymous wrote:Also, how do I get help if he doe not see a problem with his behavior, just mine?

Try introducing this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw

It's genius Dan Savage explaining "the price of admission," the things you just have to decide to accept if you want to be in a relationship. It a fun watch and insightful.

Omg. I would never be able to live like that. Sounds awful.

Reminds me of the husband in the Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. With the perfect kitchen cabinets full of food and neat dish towels...

Anonymous wrote:Controlling and abusive. This will get worse, not better.

+1 Get out now. It only gets worse.

Sounds like a control freak to me. Possibly OCD but still no excuse to treat you this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll offer a dissenting view - have you tried to become more organized? Have you levelled with your husband and said, "If you leave the gifts I buy and receive alone, I'd love your help to become more organized"?

I trued and I should try more. In search of becoming more organized I went to therapy and was diagnosed with an adult ADD. I don't know how the two of us ended up together really

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was that you may have ADD. This is a very common dynamic in ADHD marriages, in my case I am the control freak. (My mothet in law has it, and my father in law is the cobtrol freak) But let's be clear, it doesn't excuse my behavior of being a control freak and it doesn't mean it's okay for me to treat my husband this way. I am prone to anxiety and depression and I have sought medication for that. Please check out the ADHDmarriage.com website, she has books and we are currently doing her seminar, she doesn't put all the blame on the ADHD partner, but instead tries to help both people understand what it's like for the other and find solutions. We haven't done therapy but we have CBT & DBT workbooks, and marriage books to try to improve. It's not going to get better on its own.

My husband had some OCD tendencies but I just ignore them but your spouse needs some help. He sounds exhaustive to live with. If he refuses help I suggest you get a therapist to learn how to live with him.

WOW.
My poor dear OP.
Your husband is very, very abusive, and things probably went downhill so slowly you didn't realize it until you were knee deep in the muck.

If you are financially independent (I only read your first post, sorry) I would seek a separation right away. Not divorce. But a clear way fo showing this man that you are NOT under his control and that you have bargaining chips and that you are going to use them. He needs to be evaluated for a psychiatric illness, honestly. In these kinds of cases, both you and he need to go, because you are the sole witness to many of his issues.

If you are not financially independent, then start working on that right away.

I'm sorry, OP. My husband can be irrational and freaky-controlling when he's upset and we have had our share of terrible fights, because I don't take it lying down. I don't have a solution, but I know I would be in a better place if I could just up and leave. Which I can't. I'm on a visa and I can't get a job

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to argue or justify. State what you're going to do and do it. If you can do it cheerfully, all the better, while you figure out what else is going on here.

The point of the pattern may be your emotional outburst, so discipline yourself to stop flipping out and remain calm.

And please, please, please find counseling. It does sound as though something is terribly wrong here and this is not going anywhere healthy. Go by yourself if he won't go.

Please find some help OP. This is not normal. If he won't go, you go. Start reading up on some books on OCD. Do you belong to a church, Temple? Ask for help.

I am on the back end of this exact sort of issue, and meds and a ton of frequent exercise helped my DH. But the biggest thing for him that seemed to get him out of it was honestly me going toe-to-toe with him. I always tried to do it his way bc I thought it would help in the immediate sense and make him feel better. But the minute my steel backbone came into play, that's what helped him chill. For example--cutting bread on the wrong board? I'd look him square in the eye and go, "I want to make something very clear. I care about a lot of your opinions. But I will never care what cutting board you seem to be under the impression one uses to cut bread. I'll never care enough to even attempt to let that fill up my brain space." And then turnaround and go back to it. For some reason being like, yeah I don't care what you think, really helped. It set up bounderies that seemed to almost calm him.

Funny that this is actually coming up again. I have thought about this OP a few times in the last two years. OP, if you're here, I hope you're ok. I hope you have gotten out.

Your tone and everything you write, except the baby part, reminds me of my SIL, a wonderful young woman from the Phillippines who married my brother who was 25 years older than her. She weighed no more than 85 pounds on their wedding day but he still berated her for eating cake. He is a monster and he married her precisely because he wanted to control a tiny young wife who depended on him for everything, including her citizenship and money for her family back home. I can't believe that some PP's actually chimed in to criticize her, as if anyone could be justified for criticizing a partner for how they TYPE on a keyboard, as well as all his other crazy controlling shit. I desperately hope she has gotten out and is safe.

Just %itc& slap him and tell him to F off. Stop taking it.

This thread is very old but if you get this message I hope you're not still with this man. RUN. He will not change and he will make you miserable with this bullshit for the rest of your life. Not only will he inflict this critisicm on you, he will do the same to your children. Just leave and move on as soon as you can.

Anonymous wrote:This is abuse. Plain and simple.....

Get to a counselor, get you and your child out of there. They don't ever change. You may think they do, but trust me, they don't.

Leave. Now.

I agree 100%. Get the hell out of there. He is SICK.

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Um, if I did this to my husband he would dump my ass. I would be embarrassed for myself.

THis guy sounds like a giant head case. My condolences and, I hope, good luck sorting this out.

He needs a therapist, badly (IMO).

Signed,
a DH