Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an OW. The wife called me. I told her I had no interest in speaking with her and not to contact me again, then hung up. She couldn't make me listen to her venom.

Not judging you here, but out of curiosity, why were you the other woman? Why did you want to get involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else?

Because I was also married. He and I were looking for a non exclusive, non marital relationship. Sex and romance, no chores or fighting.

Op. Yes, this has been a kick in the ass for me and remind me there are things I need to improve. I know I also need to take responsibility. I will step up to the plate, but he also needs to want to do that.

Interesting thread. I dealt with this myself. DH was having an EA. I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages. Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s. If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame? Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame? Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me. In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort. He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids. He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice. And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis). In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest. But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted. Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.

Op again. I also know where she works so I don't have to call her. I could go to the building. The thing is, she may be working in the same building that I do.

OP. I want to add that dh says many of the things that I've read about EA and what you all have been saying: just friends, they have a connection due to similar tragic family events. He keeps saying I'm jealous, but I think it's not just jealousy. I think of the long-term damage and consequences of this affair that will become physical sooner or later because an opportunity will present itself.

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Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

It did not give her any power - I just said your relationship with my H is inappropriate - if you respect yourself you will get counseling - I have spoken to your boss and my children will not be part of your class anymore. Period.

Having many friends that have had affairs on their husband I wish somebody would have kicked them in the ass before it got physical and they could have gotten counseling first. I get lots of OW are psyco but this one happened to get it.

OP - I think you need to take a deep breath and slow down. It sounds like you are on a fast train to destruction. In your first post you said this OW "She's divorcee of one year, doesn't seem to be over a previous boyfriend, currently has another unsatisfactory boyfriend, plus the EA with my DH. " and now you're saying because you confronted her that "she get's it." Really??!

I'm the OP, but I did not post the previous comment.

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Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

FWIW it did not get physical though my husband was ready to end the marriage (or so he thought. Once he came out of the fog things started changing. He didn't want to leave for her, as by the time I discovered what as happening things had cooled between them for the most part, but the affair definitely led him to think, I don't think I love my wife anymore!). It might be different if it was a physical affair...maybe I would want to contact her or her husband. I don't know. I don't think either of them meant for things to go this far, they are both married, have kids, etc. They were just both struggling and turned to each other as an escape instead of facing their issues.

How long was it going on when you found out?

My situation was a little different because I suspected for a while, but he was alwasy justifying it. It really was insidious in that they did develop a close friendship so it was easy for him to think he was doing nothing wrong (I think he knew, but he could justify it since there was nothing physical and they didn't talk sex etc.). It went on for about a year, they were coworkers. Finally it came to a head. It took me a while to convince him his relationship with her was causing damage to the marriage. Our counselor helped with that as well. He was very defensive and kept saying, it was not his intent so that there was nothing wrong. (He thought cheating had to be intentional). Took a few weeks for him to finally admit, he did damage, it was weak, it was wrong, he was sorry. Then he cut off contact with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

It did not give her any power - I just said your relationship with my H is inappropriate - if you respect yourself you will get counseling - I have spoken to your boss and my children will not be part of your class anymore. Period.

Having many friends that have had affairs on their husband I wish somebody would have kicked them in the ass before it got physical and they could have gotten counseling first. I get lots of OW are psyco but this one happened to get it.

OP - I think you need to take a deep breath and slow down. It sounds like you are on a fast train to destruction. In your first post you said this OW "She's divorcee of one year, doesn't seem to be over a previous boyfriend, currently has another unsatisfactory boyfriend, plus the EA with my DH. " and now you're saying because you confronted her that "she get's it." Really??!

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

FWIW it did not get physical though my husband was ready to end the marriage (or so he thought. Once he came out of the fog things started changing. He didn't want to leave for her, as by the time I discovered what as happening things had cooled between them for the most part, but the affair definitely led him to think, I don't think I love my wife anymore!). It might be different if it was a physical affair...maybe I would want to contact her or her husband. I don't know. I don't think either of them meant for things to go this far, they are both married, have kids, etc. They were just both struggling and turned to each other as an escape instead of facing their issues.

How long was it going on when you found out?

Anonymous wrote:I was an OW. The wife called me. I told her I had no interest in speaking with her and not to contact me again, then hung up. She couldn't make me listen to her venom.

I am sure my OW felt the same way the day I called her. Year later I am sure she is glad she dodged that bullet.

I did not spew venom - I just told her that she was not welcome to be a part of my family, she needed counseling and that my children would be removed from her class. Period. Good bye.

There is such a gray area right before "it just happened" - it's nice that some people never go from gray to black.

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Anonymous wrote:My DH had an EA. He has had many female friends, and an EA is NOT the same thing.at.all.

We both recognize the difference, although he spent many months saying "just friends" while I wondered what was different about this friend. It took a long time for him to see what I had seen all along: that this one crossed a line, and that he was dating her, not meeting her for dinner or whatever. He finally got it when I asked him why he knew so much about some other woman's hopes and dreams. And I said, "What are my hopes and dreams?" He realized then that he spent all his emotional energy on her - connecting with her. Sharing with her. Listening to her. There was nothing left for me.

So all you people who claim EAs aren't real? I can only hope that you never experience one.

Speaking of, I'm surprised no one has mentioned "Not Just Friends," by Dr. Glass yet. OP, this will help: http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

Funny, I just found this yesterday when I did a google search. Didn't realize there was so much literature on EA.

For you naysayers who say EA is a recent phenomenon, it's always been around but without a label on it. 20 years ago, the term "date rape" was a new term. The act was not new, but they put a label on it. It was an unusual "concept" because we associated rape with sexual assault by strangers in a dark alley.

Anonymous wrote:I was an OW. The wife called me. I told her I had no interest in speaking with her and not to contact me again, then hung up. She couldn't make me listen to her venom.

Not judging you here, but out of curiosity, why were you the other woman? Why did you want to get involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else?

I was an OW. The wife called me. I told her I had no interest in speaking with her and not to contact me again, then hung up. She couldn't make me listen to her venom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

Then your counselor is crazy too.

Nope - OW got counseling - found a great guy and lived happily every after. Sometimes it just takes one sane person to set things right. That is called the high road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

Then your counselor is crazy too.