Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's one thing if it's a party with a space limitation (small house, bounce house, etc.) but a public park?

Hmm, well I think it depends on a number of things. We have my son's birthday party at a public park every year, and invite all 20 kids from his daycare class because we want to be inclusive. The kids are still too young to have a drop off party, IMO, and so we wind up having to buy food, drinks, paper goods, and cake for all 20 kids and their parents (many bring both parents, and some bring a sibling). This gets to be quite expensive. Would we ever invite only 18 out of the 20 kids? No, of course not! But I have definitely thought of inviting only 5 or so to the next party, because last year cost me $350, which to me, is a lot to expend on a third birthday party at a park.

You can probably invite up to half of the class and not be "excluding". So, up to 10 kids and it's okay. It's when you invite over half that you start getting on the slippery slope to rude.

Yes, but the only problem with that is: as a non-invited one, you do not know how many were invited and who were not. So, you can't tell yourself, "Oh well, they only invited 5 people, no biggie, it wasn't personal." All you know, on our end of things, is that you (or, more accurately, your DC) was not invited. You don't know who else was and who wasn't. So you, in the absense of any other information, wonder why. Shrug. OH well.

Because I sense they are fake people, that's why. I have many gay friends and family members and there's not much I respect less than people who live a lie. I worked for one.

I tend not to expend effort worrying about this in regard to parents of kids in my class that I know casually.

You can probably invite up to half of the class and not be "excluding". So, up to 10 kids and it's okay. It's when you invite over half that you start getting on the slippery slope to rude.

I wish there was some way to specify that the invite was for the invited child and one parent only without being rude. That way we could continue inviting everyone. It sort of annoys me that we are having to consider limiting the number of kids from the daycare class at the party at all.

Anonymous wrote:

It's one thing if it's a party with a space limitation (small house, bounce house, etc.) but a public park?

Hmm, well I think it depends on a number of things. We have my son's birthday party at a public park every year, and invite all 20 kids from his daycare class because we want to be inclusive. The kids are still too young to have a drop off party, IMO, and so we wind up having to buy food, drinks, paper goods, and cake for all 20 kids and their parents (many bring both parents, and some bring a sibling). This gets to be quite expensive. Would we ever invite only 18 out of the 20 kids? No, of course not! But I have definitely thought of inviting only 5 or so to the next party, because last year cost me $350, which to me, is a lot to expend on a third birthday party at a park.

You can probably invite up to half of the class and not be "excluding". So, up to 10 kids and it's okay. It's when you invite over half that you start getting on the slippery slope to rude.

Anonymous wrote:

But in this case, it was this child's entire class and soccer team that were invited as far as I could tell, and my son is part of both those subgroups

Yes, it is not nice to exclude only one or two kids. Not sure why it is relevant whether the child's dad in your case was a "closeted gay."

Because I sense they are fake people, that's why. I have many gay friends and family members and there's not much I respect less than people who live a lie. I worked for one.

But in this case, it was this child's entire class and soccer team that were invited as far as I could tell, and my son is part of both those subgroups

Yes, it is not nice to exclude only one or two kids. Not sure why it is relevant whether the child's dad in your case was a "closeted gay."

Anonymous wrote:

It's one thing if it's a party with a space limitation (small house, bounce house, etc.) but a public park?

Hmm, well I think it depends on a number of things. We have my son's birthday party at a public park every year, and invite all 20 kids from his daycare class because we want to be inclusive. The kids are still too young to have a drop off party, IMO, and so we wind up having to buy food, drinks, paper goods, and cake for all 20 kids and their parents (many bring both parents, and some bring a sibling). This gets to be quite expensive. Would we ever invite only 18 out of the 20 kids? No, of course not! But I have definitely thought of inviting only 5 or so to the next party, because last year cost me $350, which to me, is a lot to expend on a third birthday party at a park.

I hear you PP. And I think there are times when carving out a handful of children for an invite is ok. But in this case, it was this child's entire class and soccer team that were invited as far as I could tell, and my son is part of both those subgroups. And we were with the soccer team on the day of. All I can say is that it was very awkward. Nonetheless, our boys continue to be friends and playmates at school, and that's great. It's the parents I avoid. Yes, this is petty and probably makes me feel better to write, but they are a bit strange...the wife is constantly cornering me wanting to talk and suggesting events we should plan at school and the dad, I'm willing to bet, is closeted gay. Anyway, the exclusion was purposeful and not about buying an extra piece of cake and juicebox. It is what it is, and there is frankly nothing this family can tell me at this point that will undo the negative impression I have of them. So in some respects it's nice to have a reason to stop trying to befriend them.

It's one thing if it's a party with a space limitation (small house, bounce house, etc.) but a public park?

Hmm, well I think it depends on a number of things. We have my son's birthday party at a public park every year, and invite all 20 kids from his daycare class because we want to be inclusive. The kids are still too young to have a drop off party, IMO, and so we wind up having to buy food, drinks, paper goods, and cake for all 20 kids and their parents (many bring both parents, and some bring a sibling). This gets to be quite expensive. Would we ever invite only 18 out of the 20 kids? No, of course not! But I have definitely thought of inviting only 5 or so to the next party, because last year cost me $350, which to me, is a lot to expend on a third birthday party at a park.

I posted at 11:33 and I said we'd continue to invite this boy. Until my son is old enough to start having parties truly based on his friends or if we have a party at a location that limits the number who can be invited, I find it cruel to exclude. I'd be no better than that awful family if I were to exact my petty revenge on the back of a 6 year old. Come on. If for some reason they actively don't like us (and I don't think that's the case at all) they can simply decline the invite. But until my son starts developing a true clique of friends, I think the lesson is inclusion.

Anonymous wrote:

Another working mom here. I wish I could say it doesn't happen to working moms too, but earlier thsi year there were not one but two occasions where other kids got bday party invites in theri cubbies at daycare and DD got none. It was the same type of situation where I, like the OP, racked and racked my brain for a reason. Another mom had pulled her kid's invite out of the cubby and said something like, "Oh, look, an invitation to so-and-so's party!" and I reached my hand into DD's cubby and there was nothing there so I sort of joked, "Oh well, maybe ours got lost in the mail," but the other mom looked mortified and I did not say anything else. I really do not know why, I really don't. DD has since moved up to another class but the other kids will soon follow so I don't know if this situation will repeat itself or not. I always thought you don't give out invitations through the class unless you are inviting everyone, but, apparently, there are those who do not follow this rule. Shrug. So, anyway, this is all to say, sadly, I don't think this type of "high school"-ishness is just linked to SAHMs vs WOHMs, etc etc etc. Sigh.

They definitely should not have put the invites in the cubbies, that was wrong. We inivite the entire daycare class, but if we didn't, it wouldn't be because of any issues with the mothers of the kids that were not invited. DS has certain kids that are his "best friends" and if we wanted to have a smaller party, we would let him pick which friends he wanted to come. We would never exclude just one or two kids, but considered inviting only 4 or 5 of his closest friends to his most recent party for cost concern reasons and because we have a small house.

Agree they should not have put the invites in the cubbies, I have gotten to be friends with a few moms in daycare overtime, we are having a party for my DD and I did an evite. It's just not right to exclude anyone, but I only wanted my friends there and we couldn't afford to invite the whole class.

I don't understand the impulse to continue to invite kids who excluded your kids. They showed that they don't view your child as a sufficiently close friend (or whatever) to invite, so why should you do the same?

Because if you are inviting all of the members of a group (playgroup, class etc.) it is cruel to leave only one child out and makes you just as mean as they are.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the impulse to continue to invite kids who excluded your kids. They showed that they don't view your child as a sufficiently close friend (or whatever) to invite, so why should you do the same?

Because it's rude to invite most, but not all, of the kids in a particular playgroup. Just because the excluder was rude doesn't mean that you get to be in return.

I don't understand the impulse to continue to invite kids who excluded your kids. They showed that they don't view your child as a sufficiently close friend (or whatever) to invite, so why should you do the same?

Another similar experience. My son was excluded from a birthday party of a classmate who he's been in class with for two years (PreK and K) and they are friends who play regularly together on the playground. In addition they are on the same soccer team. The party was held the same day as a soccer game so that morning at Carter Baron several parents were making mention of the party later that day. It was just assumed that everyone must be invited since the party would be hosted at a public DC park. It's one thing if it's a party with a space limitation (small house, bounce house, etc.) but a public park? Then later that day we had a t-ball game and more parents were talking about needing to leave right away after the game for this birthday party. It's like we couldn't get away from it! The whole thing was just very awkward and hurtful and I feel very differently about that family now. Either that child's parents chose to exclude our son because they don't like us or their son asked that he not be invited and his parents said OK...either way it showed poor character. We'll continue to invite their son to birthday parties and events but I no longer feel an obligation or desire to foster a friendship with this family.

OP, I just wanted to say that I think you're handling this whole situation very gracefully. My DD is 17 months, so I'm sure this kind of thing is on my horizon -- hopefully, I can handle it as well as you have here.

And I would totally have invited you to my DD's party