Anonymous wrote:OP here. Guess I should have laid out our respective terms earlier! Glad Pps think I'm at least trying. DH and I are both Caucasian. I really don't know where it's coming from...he's always been very protective of his family and aware of "fairness" (holidays etc), but this just seems out of control. It's like hemorphs into someone else! Maybe he oz scared and not dealing well.

Not to pick on you, but Caucasian doesn't specify a culture. Two Caucasian people can be from different cultures. Do you mean you're both white Americans culture-wise, with no significant ethnic differences?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

The baby is not coming out of her vagina, so no, she's not entitled to anything regarding the baby.

Well, the FATHER of the baby is and he wants his parents to meet his child.

That doesn't mean he's entitled to getting everything he wants. The OP and her husband had an equal part in creating the child, but you're being ignorant (perhaps willfully so) if you don't think that what OP will be going through giving birth to their child is different from what her husband will experience. The compromises she has suggested sound like good ones. It's sad that the OP's husband is so obsessed with what he wants that he's disregarding how the mother of his child will feel after she goes through a childbirth- something he'll never experience.

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the families can come for short visits (1 hour or so) when you get home from the hospital but no more. That includes your mom. Compromise.

This. OP, you don't know how you're going to feel. Having your own mother stay the night may drive you nuts.

My inlaws live three hours away, and they came to visit for approximately two hours about a week after the baby was born, per our invitation.

I am so sorry, OP. It seems your DH is choosing his parents over you.

OP here. Guess I should have laid out our respective terms earlier! Glad Pps think I'm at least trying. DH and I are both Caucasian. I really don't know where it's coming from...he's always been very protective of his family and aware of "fairness" (holidays etc), but this just seems out of control. It's like hemorphs into someone else! Maybe he oz scared and not dealing well.

What is your husband's cultural background? It sounds like this is a fundamental cultural split. I'm on OP's side but perhaps this approach would help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

The baby is not coming out of her vagina, so no, she's not entitled to anything regarding the baby.

Well, the FATHER of the baby is and he wants his parents to meet his child.

You aren't reading. She's offering time with the baby each day. They are demanding to commune with the baby 24 hours a day and relegate her to the nursery whenever she wants quiet.

OP here, while I appreciate the posters who are at least trying to help, even if they think I'm unreasonable, you're just rude. Instead of giving any kind of help, you just want to tear me down. Please stop feeling so poisonous.

To the pp who asked: his parents don't want to be in the DR (ew to ANYONE besides DH on my part!), but are insisting that they come visit at the hospital. Here is my compromise, as stated to DH:
-parents are called when I am admitted to hospital, they can come and stay at the hotel
-when I deliver, IF I feel like having guests, both sets of parents can come to hospital
-when we come home, it will just be my mom, if anyone, to stay the night, but everyone else is welcome to visit during the day for short periods of time
-parents leave after a day or so, and then come back up after a few weeks once we're all settled for a more extended stay, and can stay with us

DH/his parents want:
-to be notified at first contractions (even if I'm not in active labor) so they can drive up immediately
-come to hospital during labor, presumably stay in waiting room (no one has mentioned DR)
-have unlimited access to be in hospital room with db, regardless of how I'm feeling
-mom stay the night in the house, and parents to have full access of house during the day. I'm expected to use the nursery if I need privacy.
-parents to stay in the area for the entire first week

Again, I WANT to share the baby with his parents, I'm fine if they are around, come visit if I feel up to it, etc. I just want my feelings and desires to be considered. DH is refusing to commit to the "wait and see" approach-he says that if he can't tell his parents that they are welcome in the house and hospital room regardless, they will be upset and it's not fair to them.

Holy crap. I was one of the posters urging compromise (even though I think you're in the right) but this is just beyond the pale. Sadly, even though people are saying "marriage counseling" I don't know why they would believe your husband will be receptive to hearing from a third party, when he hasn't been receptive up till now.

God. I am at a loss for what to suggest for you now, because some of the things they want seem so unreasonable on their face. I guess you can't go off to the hospital and tell no one at all? If only that were an option.

I am just sad that your husband is on board with this level of intrusion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

The baby is not coming out of her vagina, so no, she's not entitled to anything regarding the baby.

Well, the FATHER of the baby is and he wants his parents to meet his child.

Remind your DH that the baby will still be a baby in the weeks and months to come. You will be recovering from labor and establishing breast feeding in the first week or so only. That time is about you and your needs. Letting all grandparents come for a portion of each day as you have offered is enough.

Is your husband perhaps terrified of helping to take care of the baby and wants his mother to do it for him?

I would talk to MIL directly. Your husband has no concept of post-birth realities and this plan is unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:Your proposal sounds totally reasonable, and attempts to seek accomodation between interests.

But theirs seems unreasonable and doesn't take you into account -- really, they get access to your HOSPITAL ROOM no matter how you feel? They MUST stay overnight and you have to be relegated to the nursery?

I think you need to have a short session with a marriage counselor to work this out, stat. It's really worrying.

+1

This is clearly based on a lack of understanding of post-birth reality

1. hospital rooms are small! There is not space for people to come hang out in the room for hours and you (and baby) need to be resting. There is no resting in a hospital room when there are 5 additional people in the room (DH + both sets of in-laws). On the positive side, there also isn't a place to sit in a hospital room for 5 additional people. And if you doze off, I want to hope that people will get the cue to leave the room and let you sleep. As a PP suggested, get the nurses to help with this -- they are very good at clearing a room for a patient when you need them to.

2. In the days following the birth, you will be breastfeeding NON-STOP. DH needs to understand that you WILL NOT accept being relegated to the nursery for 24 hours a day in the week after the birth. You are not a servant! If you don't have a large enough house for you to be in one room while everyone else is in another room, then kick people out. I also agree with the PP that suggested you let it all hang out. I know this is hard if you are private. But, if you are BFing constantly, and you aren't having too much trouble getting baby to latch, it is nice to have someone hanging out in the room with you while you BF. On the other hand, if you are having trouble getting the baby to latch, nothing will make it harder than feeling like you are being watched/judged while you are trying to figure it out. Suggestion: come up with a list of things that you will need post-birth and make sure you don't have enough of them in the house. Side-snap tees; maxi-pads; sitz bath; extra covers for the changing table; a different nursing pillow; whatever. It helps to not be fully prepared! If you need to get people out of the house, then send them to purchase these things for you. One. At. A. Time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

The baby is not coming out of her vagina, so no, she's not entitled to anything regarding the baby.

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

You sound completely reasonable to me.

Does his mother want to bring you frozen maxi pads when you can’t get out of bed, and change the bloody sheets in your bedroom while you shower because you’ve bled through another diaper sized pad?(all things my mother helped do with my first) If not then she doesn’t need to spend the night. I think you need to let your DH know these are the reasons you originally wanted your mom to stay the night – it’s not that you two are having some baby slumber party MIL can’t come to.