I had a boyfriend like this. He made it really difficult to leave. I lived in a small town. I knew his exes before and after me. We all had the same story. Sadly someone married him and made him a daddy to a little girl. Now they're divorced. He's a sad piece of shit. He will never change and if he does odds are it won't be with you. He's already learned how to twist you around.

Anonymous wrote:Serious question for the OP. do you set him off? Are you doing things that makes him so mad?

Uh-huh, OP. do not even entertain this question. Your husbands behavior is not acceptable. Even If you are part of the problem he should handle it maturely.

Abusers are like alcoholics and drug addicts. They are addicted to the high they get when releasing their emotions as well as the power and control they have over the people they abuse. They have to accept what they are doing is wrong before they can change the behavior. They also have to get counselling and work the program given to them by the counselor. Without any of these steps, the abuser will never change.

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Definitely not good for you or your children. Children grow up modeling the behaviors of the adults in their environment. That's how your DH learned to behave the way he does. Your self esteem and the self esteem of your children are also being damaged. If he does not think he has a problem and is not working a plan to fix it, get out and move on to a happier life. You and your children deserve better.

Sadly not confusing OP. Just manipulative. I'm in the process of divorce, similar dynamics.

The book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" really helped me see things clearly.

Best to you.

OP here- finally starting therapy,and finally thinking of moving on to leave DH. It is a hard long road and with patience I'd hoped that reform would happen -- once the raging stopped, however, instead there was a complete withdrawal and silence/ignoring me as if shunning me almost in a room. In a way it is just as bad to feel shunned as it is to be raged at -- anyway it may be time to move on soon, denial lifted..... I just worry though because I had a conversation about wanting to leave and since then he has been all sweet and docile....it is such a cycel, you know? ... now he is nice, playing super-dad, and I question my motivation for leaving him....but then as soon as I'm not leaving, I'm sure his behavior will change.....it is all so confusing!

OP it does take years for people to learn how to control their anger. I'm glad your DH is under medical treatment, but a lot of it is changing habits - which is a slow and tedious process.

I did not marry the man I was with who had anger management issues, but he did seek treatment while we were together on and off, and I did see results after about 2-3 years of therapy.

The question for you, though, is how he sees you. Does he see you as an equal? Does he respect you and treat you accordingly? Look, some of the little things get to me too - my DH likes to pretend that he is the smartest know-it-all and is critical of freaking everything I do. It drives me nuts and I call him out on it, but it continues, because that's who he is (I used to do it, until I realized it was making things worse, so now I am waiting for his behavior to improve). So his off-handed comments might just be his way to make himself seem in charge.

Are you in therapy? If so, can you talk to your therapist about your relationship dynamics and whether they are something you can live with or whether you need to be free of his negativity in order to lead a satisfying life? I think it depends a lot on your personality and one thing I'll caution you on, is being a doormat. But there is a fine balance between doormat status and being gracious and compromising in a relationship. So make sure he is taking you into consideration in his decisions.

Anonymous wrote:he is who he is and he is not going to change. if he realizes that you are leaving him, he probably will show you his "soft" side and behave for a while, but when he feels that he has you in his power again, he will start all over. I made the mistake of believing things had improved and went ahead and bought a house with him. the nightmare started all over again, apparently he thinks I am stuck, and now it is much more difficult to leave. the fact that he is not recognizing his behavior is the red flag. do not fool yourself and cut your losses as soon as you can.

Wow - are you "stuck" in situation presently and if so how are you managing? I am sorry to hear this. Thanks for your advice. You are right my DH does realize his grasp is slipping and as such is putting on his "soft" side. You give sage advice. I hope your situation improves at least. - OP

he is who he is and he is not going to change. if he realizes that you are leaving him, he probably will show you his "soft" side and behave for a while, but when he feels that he has you in his power again, he will start all over. I made the mistake of believing things had improved and went ahead and bought a house with him. the nightmare started all over again, apparently he thinks I am stuck, and now it is much more difficult to leave. the fact that he is not recognizing his behavior is the red flag. do not fool yourself and cut your losses as soon as you can.

OP, as long as your DH is refusing to admit that he is an abuser you will have a problem. He needs to own it. My brother is verbally abusive (especially about his ex-wife) and you can't win with these people. Your best bet is to leave. You deserve better. And why should you get past his horrible treatment of you? He has repeatedly hurt you, and he refuses to truly be sorry. By that I mean that he apologizes and means it - owning his behavior and truly changing. My advice is to get out and thereby save not only yourself but your child as well.

OP here. Just wanted to say thanks all all for helping me realize this behavior was not right. And for helping me get out of a state of denial. It has been six months since I posted this question and after much reading I realize that unfortunately DH's behavior has been, indeed, verbally abusive. My issues now are: (1) DH's apologies for having said these things to me, but his refusal to admit/characterize this behavior as "abuse"; and (2) DH's continuing, subtle put-downs and gaslighting, even though he is no longer "raging" now that he is on prescription anger management related medication; and (3) I honestly can't get past the horrible way he treated me esp while pregnant. For those who have been there, did any of your verbally abusive DH's truly reform? Did divorce make you happier? I am confused on how to proceed.

PP, I'm so sorry about the 15%. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Have you consulted a therapist to talk about it? Might your DH be depressed?

My husband spoils me 85% of the time and treats me like shit 15%, i.e. - verbally abusive. My father was the same way to me and that's why I didn't see warning signs.
I'd like to think I'm desensitized but truthfully I'm even more sensitive from it all.

After a while I'm convinced the 15% is my fault. So I make the promises of change and continue to stay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

Hi, this is OP. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? I can give you my email if you like.... My DH is now telling me that he does not like the label of "abuser" and said that he might as well label me a "bitch." He told me he behaves this way because I am "critical of him" and that no one talks to him in the "tone" that I talk to him... Really, I am a sweet and nice person and if anything I say things directly, but not in a hostile "tone"... and I don't consider myself to be critical... If anything, he often reads into statemetns that I make that seem innocuious and thinks I am criticizing him in some sort of subtext that I'm not intending.... Does this make sense? Argh it is really frustrating.....And continues.....

What?! he doesn't like the "abuser" label, but persists in using an abusive label for you, his life partner, the woman he supposedly cherishes and loves?? There's something very, very wrong here. Period.

+1

Anonymous wrote: I was the PP in a similar situation. We've been together for ten years and we have young children. We've had good times and some not so good times. My DH is on medication and things really only seem to get bad when he's not on it. He has suffered from depression for years.

Wow, OP here, it sounds like a very similar situation. If you have an email address (or one to create for this purpose) I'm glad to email you. Situation very similar.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

Hi, this is OP. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? I can give you my email if you like.... My DH is now telling me that he does not like the label of "abuser" and said that he might as well label me a "bitch." He told me he behaves this way because I am "critical of him" and that no one talks to him in the "tone" that I talk to him... Really, I am a sweet and nice person and if anything I say things directly, but not in a hostile "tone"... and I don't consider myself to be critical... If anything, he often reads into statemetns that I make that seem innocuious and thinks I am criticizing him in some sort of subtext that I'm not intending.... Does this make sense? Argh it is really frustrating.....And continues.....

NP, here. Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Sounds like her critical voice is going off in his head any time you speak to him directly.

I think it could be a mother issue -- in that maybe he expects me to phrase thigns as his mother would -- or maybe he does have a critical voice in his head. HAdn't thought of that..thanks.