Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:spoiled.

Why would you waste your money on college for a kid that doesn't give a damn. Sorry. OP, but somewhere along the line you and DH created this monster because this kind of behavior doesn't happen overnight, unless he has some serious mental and emotional problems. I have a family member with two kids just like this. The reason why: she and her DH gave the kids anything they wanted and spoiled them rotten.

Anonymous wrote:PP here...really 11:33? We're down to calling eachother the c word? I reported your comment because it is totally unnecessary and abusive.

16:02, what do you recommend when you take everything away and the child goes to bed, and so you give them chores and they flat out refuse to do them? That's the problem we have. Total complete defiance.

Anonymous wrote:spoiled.

Anonymous wrote:PP, I'm the poster who posted about "The Explosive Child". I can promise you that your type of thinking and reaction is VERY common among parents, even the best of parents. They feel that if they are only more strict, more consistent with their discipline, and more punitive and take more and more things away, their child will finall learn to do what he is told and not be disrespective, be obedient, etc.

The analogy I would like you to consider is that of a learning-disabled teen who has dyslexia and simply cannot read. Now, all your other children can read just fine. So when they do not sit down and finish their book reports, you the parent can say "Fine, no TV/ice cream/sports until you finish that book and get your book report done." If you are consisten, firm, and lay out your expectations clearly, and follow through with the punishement if the children don't obey, then the children will learn to get the books read and the book report written.

But your dyslexic child can't read the book (in this hypothesis) and can't write the book report -- at least not without a lot of help. You can punish and be firm, and say "No child of mine is going to fail to turn in a book report!" but none of that will help the child with his dyslexia problem, will it? You aren't actually addressing the problem, by being firm and punishing and following through. You are just going to cause a child to either a) explode at you in fruatration or b) withdraw and say "I don't care" because he can't fix his problem by himself.

I strongly suspect that OP's child has a disability in controlling his temper and thinking of ways to respond to frustration that he is able to handle occasionally (such as around his dad) but inly with great effort, but is probably around mom and siblings more and that's when it really comes out. If so, there's plenty of help out there for him! I'm not saying he has a disability to excuse this behavior in any way -- just to say that punishing him for it isn't actually solving the problem! He probably could use a little medications to calm things down (and my guess is mom could use a little too as they seem to set each other off) while he gets some therapy for learning how to deal with anger and frustration in more productive ways.

Anonymous wrote:Well, gee, OP, if I was a 16 year old boy and my own mother talked this way about me, I would be lashing back too....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't shower or brush his teeth that may be a real sign of depression. Most boys I know this age are actually pretty focused on hygiene (because of girls), and kids who play sports tend to shower pretty regularly. It may be that taking away the things he likes to do have created a downward spiral and exacerbated depression? I would get him checked out pretty quickly so that it doesn't affect his school year - presumably he's a junior which is the most important year for college admissions so if, as you say, your aim is to get him out of the house as fast as possible you probably want to make sure he does reasonably well this year.

I would also suggest counseling or parenting classes for you as some professional advice on how to respond to him would probably be helpful. Maybe a little positive reinforcement now and again would be helpful. You haven't said a single postiive thing about him on this thread. He must do something that you are proud of? He actually sounds to me like a pretty good/normal teenage boy. Your language and attitude are so negative and combative so it's not surprising that things have gotten so bad.

I have said many good things about him. He gets great grades, he isn't a trouble maker, he's an amazing musician, he's very athletic, he can be a joy to be around but he's also an incredible draining person when he's challenging us.

He isn't showering because he's sad or "down", he's not showering because he's lazy. I wish I could explain better than I am. He'll come in from practice and I'll tell him to run up and shower because we're eating in 20 minutes. 20 minutes will go by and I'll find him sitting on Facebook or playing xbox, no shower and still in his sweaty practice clothes. When I ask why he hasn't showered he'll tell me that they barely broke a sweat and he doesn't need to when it's apparent he's covered in dirt and soaking wet. I don't see depressed, I see lazy. But it could 100% be depressed. Or ADHD. Or just not wanted to do what we ask. I don't know.

I don't mean to be so down on him or sound so negative but when you live this 24/7 it's tough to see the light in the situation, same as you would in a bad marriage. It sucks to deal with such a difficult person, spouse, parent, or child.

To OP. When you type not showering and get go to therapist remarks the responders don't realize:
1. the kid just got in from practice
2. is NOT unbathed for days wallowing in pee stained underwear
3. he is simply chilling [as they say] when getting in

I too wanted a DS to shower ASAP but relaxed about it. It's not ADD or depression or even lazy. He's tired.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't shower or brush his teeth that may be a real sign of depression. Most boys I know this age are actually pretty focused on hygiene (because of girls), and kids who play sports tend to shower pretty regularly. It may be that taking away the things he likes to do have created a downward spiral and exacerbated depression? I would get him checked out pretty quickly so that it doesn't affect his school year - presumably he's a junior which is the most important year for college admissions so if, as you say, your aim is to get him out of the house as fast as possible you probably want to make sure he does reasonably well this year.

I would also suggest counseling or parenting classes for you as some professional advice on how to respond to him would probably be helpful. Maybe a little positive reinforcement now and again would be helpful. You haven't said a single postiive thing about him on this thread. He must do something that you are proud of? He actually sounds to me like a pretty good/normal teenage boy. Your language and attitude are so negative and combative so it's not surprising that things have gotten so bad.

I have said many good things about him. He gets great grades, he isn't a trouble maker, he's an amazing musician, he's very athletic, he can be a joy to be around but he's also an incredible draining person when he's challenging us.

He isn't showering because he's sad or "down", he's not showering because he's lazy. I wish I could explain better than I am. He'll come in from practice and I'll tell him to run up and shower because we're eating in 20 minutes. 20 minutes will go by and I'll find him sitting on Facebook or playing xbox, no shower and still in his sweaty practice clothes. When I ask why he hasn't showered he'll tell me that they barely broke a sweat and he doesn't need to when it's apparent he's covered in dirt and soaking wet. I don't see depressed, I see lazy. But it could 100% be depressed. Or ADHD. Or just not wanted to do what we ask. I don't know.

I don't mean to be so down on him or sound so negative but when you live this 24/7 it's tough to see the light in the situation, same as you would in a bad marriage. It sucks to deal with such a difficult person, spouse, parent, or child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apathy is one of the most frustrating things to deal with in a teenager. It basically gives you no leverage because if they value nothing, then you have nothing to take away. I think (and hope) it's a phase. My son goes in and out of these moods as well, it's normal. They're hormonal and dealing with feelings they never dealt with. However, the one time my son called me a name or disrespected me, I put a dollop of liquid soap in his mouth. Flame away, I'd do it again. He has not done it since.

How old is he? I have thought about doing something like that but now at 16. That may have worked at a younger age to instill fear but at an older age it would just make a teen think you're insane. We had jambalaya the other night and my preschooler grabbed a bottle of hot sauce and drank it, so the hot sauce punishment would be useless on him. He'd probably also enjoy soap.

At the book store today I picked up three books and downloaded another four to my iPad. I really hope to take some good points away from all of them. I'm meeting with the pediatrician on Wednesday, he has an appointment with her on Friday, and we're going to schedule an ADHD evaluation to begin with.