Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I try really hard not to take it personally, but at a certain point (after, say, two unreciprocated invitations), I stop.

I'm sorry we don't know each other in real life -- I'd invite you over!

OP here--thanks! I do take it personally, I don't see how one couldn't take it personally. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm a nice, normal person. DH says that I'm "too drama-free." His theory is that people like people with drama, and those with too little drama come off as inauthentic somehow. I thought that was an interesting perspective. It made me think of an acquaintance I used to be friendly with who was so full of drama all the time that it got really tiring, but the ironic thing was that she has tons of friends and is always out with people.

I even started seeing a therapist so I could get some objective feedback about why I can't make friends and what I'm doing to turn people off. The therapist was not able to offer me any suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:OP, where in Nova do you live? Have you thought about joining a meetup group? My husband and I are also TTC and haven't found it particularly easy to make friends here (just moved recently), but we joined some meetup groups and have met some nice people that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

I'm who you're responding to. You're right -- they probably are thinking that -- and they're wrong. I don't always just sit and listen, there are plenty of times when I join in the conversation or start a completely different topic of conversation. We always get lively discussions going about a variety of things. BUT, when the conversation starts to slowly leak back into "husband harping and child bragging/whining" I just listen. After all, if I get into that conversation, it's not going to go well. Nobody is in that conversation to hear what anybody else has to say. They are in it just to talk, vent, brag, complain, etc... Why should I add to that? Your husband never mows the lawn. Your kids don't sleep through the night. Your kids are geniuses and going to AAP centers next year. Your kids are awesome soccer players and will get scholarships. Great! When people are in that mode, they do not want to hear that my husband does mow the lawn, my kids do sleep through the night, my kids are doing wonderfully in lacrosse, and that they are in advanced classes too (or maybe not...).
Again, I have no problem talking about other things in our lives: in-laws, work/life balance, jobs, our past (sordid or not!). I just can't get into the husband/kid competition that bleeds into much of what women talk about.

To the poster who asked why I call them my circle, it's because that really is the group of women I end up hanging out with the most (even though they hang out with each other more than I do). There is one woman in the group who is probably my BFF, even though she has many, many friends. She likes to be the "boss" and lead/organize the group. I don't mind that about her as she has many other lovely qualities, but she is looked to by a lot of the other women for advice and activities. You're right, they aren't great friends, but my true best friend is my husband and the loves of my life are my kids, so I just try to look past the fact that these women are not the type of women I'm going to grow old and Ya-Ya with.

In all seriousness this is the crux of your problem OP.

When women do this - they are looking for a personal connection with you. If you aren't going to make one, then they are not going to view you as a friend. They want to know you understand them personally and that you could be a confidant. Sitting there smiling and saying nothing or changing the subject implies to them that you are *not* interested in knowing about them "personally". Talking about what books they read or what they watch on tv - that's surface stuff really. It's what someone struggles with each day that is important to them and they want to know how receptive you are to that part of them.

You will likely never have the friendship you seek if you are too afraid to get to know people past the basics. That's ok if you don't but its really not the norm. To me saying "well I want to present a united front" comes off as "I am too insecure or scared to share details of my life'.

When women do this - they are looking for a personal connection with you. If you aren't going to make one, then they are not going to view you as a friend. They want to know you understand them personally and that you could be a confidant. Sitting there smiling and saying nothing or changing the subject implies to them that you are *not* interested in knowing about them "personally". Talking about what books they read or what they watch on tv - that's surface stuff really. It's what someone struggles with each day that is important to them and they want to know how receptive you are to that part of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I took away from the conversation that, because I tend to not join in on the husband harping or child whining (or child bragging), that I appear to be acting as though I'm above that (?! I mean, they're right, I don't join in but not because I'm above it -- mainly I'm just listening to what they say. I also feel it's unfair to rag on my husband to others, so I try not to do it...). I guess they think that I don't find them interesting so they get self-conscious???

I know people like you. If everyone else in the group is talking about husbands or children but you are the one person listening without responding, I would interpret this as a) you don't have anything interesting to add--maybe you're dull; b) you think the conversation isn't interesting--maybe you think I'm dull; or c) you are judging us for "husband harping or child whining (or child bragging)".

I'm who you're responding to. You're right -- they probably are thinking that -- and they're wrong. I don't always just sit and listen, there are plenty of times when I join in the conversation or start a completely different topic of conversation. We always get lively discussions going about a variety of things. BUT, when the conversation starts to slowly leak back into "husband harping and child bragging/whining" I just listen. After all, if I get into that conversation, it's not going to go well. Nobody is in that conversation to hear what anybody else has to say. They are in it just to talk, vent, brag, complain, etc... Why should I add to that? Your husband never mows the lawn. Your kids don't sleep through the night. Your kids are geniuses and going to AAP centers next year. Your kids are awesome soccer players and will get scholarships. Great! When people are in that mode, they do not want to hear that my husband does mow the lawn, my kids do sleep through the night, my kids are doing wonderfully in lacrosse, and that they are in advanced classes too (or maybe not...).
Again, I have no problem talking about other things in our lives: in-laws, work/life balance, jobs, our past (sordid or not!). I just can't get into the husband/kid competition that bleeds into much of what women talk about.

To the poster who asked why I call them my circle, it's because that really is the group of women I end up hanging out with the most (even though they hang out with each other more than I do). There is one woman in the group who is probably my BFF, even though she has many, many friends. She likes to be the "boss" and lead/organize the group. I don't mind that about her as she has many other lovely qualities, but she is looked to by a lot of the other women for advice and activities. You're right, they aren't great friends, but my true best friend is my husband and the loves of my life are my kids, so I just try to look past the fact that these women are not the type of women I'm going to grow old and Ya-Ya with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would contact you OP but I don't have the "package" so we may not have too much in common, but goodluck out there!

OP here. I'm not the one who has "the package." I was just remarking that I could empathize with those that do, because I can empathize with anyone who has problems making friends, as I have. I'm far from having "the package." I don't have kids, and I don't even have a job right now (job searching). My career is far from impressive--I'm not a lawyer, businesswoman, etc. I don't have a social circle. Yep, definitely not "the package" or anywhere near it!

Anonymous wrote:you don't have to say if you don't want to OP but where do you live?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that some of you contact OP at her email address and that maybe she will organize a get together. I think I will (just need enough nerve to be able to admit to peopel that I would like to make some friends).

I'd like to but, wow, isn't that a lot of pressure??? What if we really don't hit it off and we're left with - well - never talking to each other again?