The issue here is that the dad should have spoken up about the funeral planning and asked for it to happen after the graduation activities. But he is likely so disengaged that that never occurred to him. Unfortunately I think the better answer here is to tell her she has to go, but it sucks that dad was not more on the ball about her needs.

The only lesson your daughter will take from going is that she is supposed to sacrifice for a man who does little to nothing for her. Not the lesson I'd want to take.

Of course, this stems from my belief that funerals are absolutely optional. It is not amoral or inhuman to skip one unless you are needed there for someone else.

Anonymous wrote:Of course your kid goes to her grandmother’s funeral!

Death doesn’t come on your schedule. If it was your mother there’d be no question. Come on.

She goes to the funeral, and then you take her and her friends to the amusement park later in the summer.

Anonymous wrote:Will DD see family that she rarely sees since they live far away? I kinda think a grandma would rather she go on the 8th grade trip! Tough one. No real wrong or right.

In spite of the usual dcum bandwagon vitriol, I agree with this. There is no right or wrong.

Funerals are very much for the living, and the ex isn't holding up his end of the bargain to be supported by a 14 year old.

OTOH, if DF was close to grandmother, she may regret not going.

OToOH, these promotion ceremonies and trips are often foundational memories. Hard to miss this time and you can never get it back.

OTfOH...the point pp made about the ex holding it over you is one to consider.

You are not a terrible parent. You are trying to balance a tricky situation.

If it were me, I would not send her unless she wants to go. I hated my GM but went to her funeral to support my mom because we were incredibly close. DD seems like she barely has a father.

If I were the dead one, I would not want my grandchild missing out too mourn at a funeral, not when she could celebrate my life and death in other ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is a terrible parent. Acting slighted over a funeral. Terrible parening.

This. ^

The first clue that OP is a terrible parent was her “parallel parenting.”
Unless the ex is truly so toxic that co-parenting will potentially harm the child, the vast majority of us can act like adults for the sake of our kids.

Share how great YOUR co-parenting experience is going?

What are we even talking about? 8th grade? Come on! This is easy - grandma.

I say this as someone that went to a close friends celebration of life instead of my PhD graduation. People are more important than "things"

Anonymous wrote:Op is a terrible parent. Acting slighted over a funeral. Terrible parening.

This. ^

The first clue that OP is a terrible parent was her “parallel parenting.”
Unless the ex is truly so toxic that co-parenting will potentially harm the child, the vast majority of us can act like adults for the sake of our kids.

Anonymous wrote:Of course your kid goes to her grandmother’s funeral!

Death doesn’t come on your schedule. If it was your mother there’d be no question. Come on.

She goes to the funeral, and then you take her and her friends to the amusement park later in the summer.

+1 My niece had to miss a performance for my mom's funeral. Nobody was going to tell my dad it was an inconvenient time for a funeral. If COVID taught us anything, it's that things can be missed.

Op is a terrible parent. Acting slighted over a funeral. Terrible parening.

Of course your kid goes to her grandmother’s funeral!

Death doesn’t come on your schedule. If it was your mother there’d be no question. Come on.

She goes to the funeral, and then you take her and her friends to the amusement park later in the summer.

Anonymous wrote:WWYD

I parallel parent and keep interaction at a minimum with ex.

His mother passed away and their family wants to hold the funeral the same week as the 8th grade trip/promotion. Although ex is local, Grandma lives across the country. I am upset about the timing.

Ex has not shown up to any school activities this year. However he does take custody of kids when scheduled. I asked if they could work around the end of the year activities. I was told no.

Grandma saw the kids once a year.
WWYD

I would support my family and go to the funeral like a civilized person.

The purpose is not for the child to support the father, it should be about teaching your child values. People are more important than things and sometimes you have to make hard choices that mean you have to give up something that you reallly want.

Elizabeth Banks talks about this in her graduation speech at UPenn.

I would not give preference to a 14 year old's feelings. I'd send her to the funeral and try and do something fun with her friends over the summer. Yes, it sucks. But sometimes in life we have to miss fun things for other obligations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say no if it’s your day. If it’s his day he gets to decide. Why the drama?

Just don't complain when he doesn't let your daughter attend something that's important to you during his time.

This. You know he’ll hold it over your head and kid won’t be able to attend xyz on his week next year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS it’s eighth grade and an amusement park trip. Kid should be there for her dad and grandfather. What kind of values are you teaching your daughter? You aren’t exhibiting a lot of integrity or grace here.

Grandfather passed away when DD’s father was a child.

Lack of integrity and grace is lost for father who is barely present. He shows up less and less as the children are getting older.

You have now changed both the number of children and whether he takes his custody time as scheduled. I can’t tell if you are OP or someone else projecting their own situation on OP’s.

The OP said "Ex has not shown up to any school activities this year. However he does take custody of kids when scheduled."

That seems consistent to me. He takes his custody time but doesn't make an effort to show up to their stuff on his non-custodial time.