Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 10:11     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:Also, OP implied that DH didn't take steps to keep himself home so that could imply DH didn't want his wife working as much or maybe set her up to not work as much. OP, if DH set you up to be the default parent taking care of all of these things while he was off doing his thing you need to bring that up in the divorce. that can get you more money


OP here. Yes - all true.

And there was cheating.

Men don’t leave without a place to land.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:50     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Also, OP implied that DH didn't take steps to keep himself home so that could imply DH didn't want his wife working as much or maybe set her up to not work as much. OP, if DH set you up to be the default parent taking care of all of these things while he was off doing his thing you need to bring that up in the divorce. that can get you more money
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:49     Subject: Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I know this will sound like judgment and I really truly don't mean it in that way but how do you grow to trust someone enough to leave your potential to provide for yourself in their hands? It feels so scary to me precisely because of what so many have had to fight for in this thread.

Growing up, I had the experience of watching my aunt struggle after her husband did the cliched thing of dumping her for his 30-years younger assistant when she was 55 and had dedicated her entire marriage to raising kids and supporting his high-powered career (his decision). It made me determined to never have to depend on a man. I have always maintained my own career even though DH makes 5 times my income.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:46     Subject: Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I know this will sound like judgment and I really truly don't mean it in that way but how do you grow to trust someone enough to leave your potential to provide for yourself in their hands? It feels so scary to me precisely because of what so many have had to fight for in this thread.


But if you're really a family, isn't there give and take and delegation? There are some jobs that are more demanding and time-consuming than others and also pay more and have more earning potential. So in order for that spouse to capitalize on that, sometimes it requires the other spouse to take a step back. You see this with actors all the time where one will get a movie that pays big while the other one stays home with the kids when they could've also had a movie that paid big, but that would take them both away from the home which isn't practical so you trade off.

Divorce laws are made to acknowledge that these trade-offs exist in working families. One could say that the working spouse should set up a special savings fund for the one that's working less, but even all of that would be subject to review and dissection if they got a divorce.

Another solution if one spouse is making more and spending time away from the home is to write up a postnuptial agreement to protect the stay at home spouse. This would be a wise thing to do I'm guessing, but it's just not something you think is needed if you're in a loving family.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:40     Subject: Predicting spousal support
That's why you hire a PI
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:40     Subject: Predicting spousal support
I know this will sound like judgment and I really truly don't mean it in that way but how do you grow to trust someone enough to leave your potential to provide for yourself in their hands? It feels so scary to me precisely because of what so many have had to fight for in this thread.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:36     Subject: Predicting spousal support
This also leads to a bigger question that I actually was debating with my DH earlier today. I don't think a DH leaves his family and wife who wants the marriage to remain intact unless he has something or someone waiting in the wings. This is where the fidelity issue comes in or the fact that something was going on that the family wasn't aware of which could help with leverage in any settlement.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 09:08     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.


I think it’s disgusting that a minor child, unable to work and with whom he shares blood, is entitled to only a quarter of the entitlement of a grown adult who could be working but chooses not to. I’m embarrassed for these women.


He presumably also has partial custody of the children, and the child support is for maintaining their standard of living the remaining time. The mortgage payment is also so that they have a place to live with their mother.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 08:17     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.


I think it’s disgusting that a minor child, unable to work and with whom he shares blood, is entitled to only a quarter of the entitlement of a grown adult who could be working but chooses not to. I’m embarrassed for these women.


If you think that this mom spends 10k on herself and only 2,500 on her child, then you don’t understand how moms work.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 08:09     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.


I think it’s disgusting that a minor child, unable to work and with whom he shares blood, is entitled to only a quarter of the entitlement of a grown adult who could be working but chooses not to. I’m embarrassed for these women.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 07:34     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I live in CA so likely the laws here are much different but my sister recently divorced after 21 years of marriage where she only worked part-time off and on and she gets alimony indefinitely until she remarries or dies.
She gets child support until her kids turn 18 or graduate high school-

She is not entitled to his retirement though and they had to sell the marital home but split the proceeds 50/50.


Isn't he theoretically paying alimony out of the retirement money once he retires?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 07:34     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.



OP here. Thank you for sharing this.


I am not sure on this but I think ALL alimony is only if the receiving ex-spouse does not get married again.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 07:32     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
I live in CA so likely the laws here are much different but my sister recently divorced after 21 years of marriage where she only worked part-time off and on and she gets alimony indefinitely until she remarries or dies.
She gets child support until her kids turn 18 or graduate high school-

She is not entitled to his retirement though and they had to sell the marital home but split the proceeds 50/50.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 06:23     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.



OP here. Thank you for sharing this.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2026 02:03     Subject: Re:Predicting spousal support
Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary. I'm sorry. Consult a few well-respected lawyers. They'll know better than us.

I'm in VA and I've shared this before on here. Keep in mind my ex offered this. He makes close to 7 figures and has a lot clients who have divorced. He said that anything over 16 or 17 years usually gets lifetime alimony so he just offered it -- we were married just shy of 20 years when we separated.

$10k/month lifetime alimony
$2.5k/month child support for two kids, drops to $1.8k for one
$4k month paying off my mortgage

Plus my half of the assets, some of which are rental properties that will some day make good money (but right now all the equity is sucked out by loans my ex took out -- he was always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul)

You've been married 20 years and he makes 10x as much as you do. I really don't believe a judge is going to tell you to suck it up. You are the poster child for spousal support. Fight for the support you have earned by investing in this marriage. Don't listen to the noise that is designed to make you keep sweet and obey. You were involved in a business arrangement -- marriage -- and there is a standard way to dissolve this that honors your non-monetary contributions.


This. Totally agree. You made an investment and now it's payback.