Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into a huge fight today (first one in months) and now I’m wondering who’s being unreasonable.

One of my old male college friends invited me to fly with him to attend our mutual female friend’s wedding. We’ve all known each other forever and there has never been anything romantic between us. It’s a short trip (about a 2-hour flight) and honestly just seemed practical/convenient to coordinate travel together.

My husband is furious about it and says he doesn’t want me to travel with my friend. I said he could come if he wanted, but he dislikes my friend, and says no. Today he yelled at me about it in front of our 6 year old daughter, which upset her so much she started crying. That bothered me more than the argument itself.

I told him I understand why he may feel uncomfortable and I’m sorry about that, but the ticket is already booked and I truly don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. I also don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding over this.

Would this bother other men here? Am I being insensitive, or is my husband overreacting?

No reason you should expect your husband to willingly support your pursuit of an emotional and likely physical affair. Are you and your "just a friend" sharing a hotel room in his trip?

I think your husband should cut to the chase and divorce you. No one could be as clueless as you pretend to be

I think you’re the AH. Your DH was wrong to fight in front of the kid but it sounds like you’re being completely unreasonable just booking flights without even discussing it, so you don’t care much about your DH or kid anyway.

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane. It's not like you're sharing a hotel room. It's always nice to travel with someone else you know if the logistics are otherwise convenient.

Actually we don't know they aren't staying in the same hotel or sharing a hotel room. OP said they will be on same flight and coordinating travel together, which could very well mean sharing hotels, cabs, rooms, beds, cots, etc.

In the end though, she is not chattel, and can do what she sees fit. Husband is clearly insecure and a rage-a-holic. He needs therapy to learn trust.

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Anonymous wrote:We all know women who would rip their husband’s balls off for doing the same thing so get over the yelling part. OP is wrong.

Some truth to this ^

I'm sure some women would do this. I would call them wrong and controlling as well.

(DP). As a DW, I wouldn’t yell or freak out but I would probe DH a little and be a little… concerned. Because it is a little odd to actually coordinate flights with a random college friend, no?

It seems like the spouses who at least don’t dig in and ask questions are the ones with their heads in the sand. If they learn that it’s totally innocent - as I guess it is for OP - then but only then should they give their blessing.

What? No, it's not odd for two people who know each other to coordinate their travel. You could either fly alone or you could fly out with an old friend. Why is the latter weird to you? Do you have friends?

Is the “in secret” part odd to you?

How is it a secret if she told her husband it's happening?

She literally said she booked it without telling him, because she didn’t want to deal with the issues. So she knew it was wrong, didn’t care and did it anyway. Now she is the victim?

SHE DOES NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION. She told him after she booked it because she knows what a controlling ahole he is.

No one forced her to form a partnership with anyone, being a partner requires being respectful and transparent. She knows he doesn’t like or trust the friend, but she doesn’t care and decided to go underground like a coward. I would have had the conversation, she pushed a boundary of integrity favoring asking for permission over having the conversation. ALL cheaters have loose boundaries and selfish tendencies in common, she has shown both in this story.

It would be all on him if he did this to her.

Why are his feelings about this more important and should trump years of friendship with someone else? She got married. She didn't sign a contract to be a second-class citizen in her marriage. He doesn't like this guy and can't verbalize why. That makes me believe he is just controlling and should not be taken seriously. You sound like a controling assh0le yourself. You talk of cheating when there is ZERO evidence that any cheating has happened or will happen. He can choose to attend the wedding, but refuses to. That also makes me believe that his end goal is just to control her. Yes, being a partner requires being respecftul and transparent. So he should respect that she has friendships outside of marriage that she wishes to continue and he should verbalize actual concerns if he has any.

Unless I am reading her posts wrong- DH has verbalized his concerns about this guy and she prioritized the friendship over the marriage. They need conflict resolution counseling or divorce lawyers, because that is not an aspect of a healthy marriage or friendship.

"I just dont like the guy" is not verbalizing your concerns, for any husbands out there who think that you uttering those words means your wife is forbidden from continuing the friendship.

I am not justifying his reaction at all, he was totally in the wrong to yell at her in front of their child.

I also believe her actions were intentional, cowardly and inappropriate.

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Anonymous wrote:We all know women who would rip their husband’s balls off for doing the same thing so get over the yelling part. OP is wrong.

Some truth to this ^

I'm sure some women would do this. I would call them wrong and controlling as well.

(DP). As a DW, I wouldn’t yell or freak out but I would probe DH a little and be a little… concerned. Because it is a little odd to actually coordinate flights with a random college friend, no?

It seems like the spouses who at least don’t dig in and ask questions are the ones with their heads in the sand. If they learn that it’s totally innocent - as I guess it is for OP - then but only then should they give their blessing.

What? No, it's not odd for two people who know each other to coordinate their travel. You could either fly alone or you could fly out with an old friend. Why is the latter weird to you? Do you have friends?

Is the “in secret” part odd to you?

How is it a secret if she told her husband it's happening?

She literally said she booked it without telling him, because she didn’t want to deal with the issues. So she knew it was wrong, didn’t care and did it anyway. Now she is the victim?

SHE DOES NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION. She told him after she booked it because she knows what a controlling ahole he is.

No one forced her to form a partnership with anyone, being a partner requires being respectful and transparent. She knows he doesn’t like or trust the friend, but she doesn’t care and decided to go underground like a coward. I would have had the conversation, she pushed a boundary of integrity favoring asking for permission over having the conversation. ALL cheaters have loose boundaries and selfish tendencies in common, she has shown both in this story.

It would be all on him if he did this to her.

Why are his feelings about this more important and should trump years of friendship with someone else? She got married. She didn't sign a contract to be a second-class citizen in her marriage. He doesn't like this guy and can't verbalize why. That makes me believe he is just controlling and should not be taken seriously. You sound like a controling assh0le yourself. You talk of cheating when there is ZERO evidence that any cheating has happened or will happen. He can choose to attend the wedding, but refuses to. That also makes me believe that his end goal is just to control her. Yes, being a partner requires being respecftul and transparent. So he should respect that she has friendships outside of marriage that she wishes to continue and he should verbalize actual concerns if he has any.

Unless I am reading her posts wrong- DH has verbalized his concerns about this guy and she prioritized the friendship over the marriage. They need conflict resolution counseling or divorce lawyers, because that is not an aspect of a healthy marriage or friendship.

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Anonymous wrote:He’s cheating on you - that’s when men are the most insecure and suspicious. Every accusation is a confession.

This sadly.

He picks a fight too to feel less guilty

Talk about projection, wow!
Nice try.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t discuss this with him before, because I knew how he’d react, and didn’t want to deal with it until later. He has no reason to be angry or to distrust me. I wouldn’t mind if he did the same.

The problem is not that your husband is weak and insecure, it’s you doing something that you know would be a problem with no concern for your spouse. Your avoidance of the APPROPRIATE conversation is immature and disrespectful. My high school daughter pull this stuff on homecoming and lost her phone for a month, plus she couldn’t go to prom. It doesn’t matter if anything inappropriate happens, you lack maturity and integrity.

You punished your daughter for not communicating with her boyfriend?. Not sure you should be giving relationship advice.

No, she secretly made plans that she knew would not be acceptable to us and waited until the pictures to come clean. She showed us that she didn’t respect the boundaries we put in place and was too immature and selfish to be trusted.

If he hates all her friends and tries to isolate her, he is a controlling ahole, but it sounds like he was fine with her going to the wedding. Her description of the situation was she is aware that DH doesn’t like or trust this guy and secretly decided to make plans with him. I would have handled a similar situation with my wife like this- Tell DW the offer was made and while I was not concerned that it was inappropriate, I politely declined the offer out of respect for your opinion of XYZ and will just see her at the wedding with everyone else. If you are sneaking around, it is wrong. If he is controlling- leave him, if he is wrong about the guy then tell him that he is a good friend and you would appreciate him investing time to get to know him, but sneaking around prioritizes the friend over the husband and that makes her a bad spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into a huge fight today (first one in months) and now I’m wondering who’s being unreasonable.

One of my old male college friends invited me to fly with him to attend our mutual female friend’s wedding. We’ve all known each other forever and there has never been anything romantic between us. It’s a short trip (about a 2-hour flight) and honestly just seemed practical/convenient to coordinate travel together.

My husband is furious about it and says he doesn’t want me to travel with my friend. I said he could come if he wanted, but he dislikes my friend, and says no. Today he yelled at me about it in front of our 6 year old daughter, which upset her so much she started crying. That bothered me more than the argument itself.

I told him I understand why he may feel uncomfortable and I’m sorry about that, but the ticket is already booked and I truly don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. I also don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding over this.

Would this bother other men here? Am I being insensitive, or is my husband overreacting?

This is the main issue right here in bold. You're focusing on the wrong thing.
Your post and questions should have been about the domestic abuse from your husband. The travel plans with your friend are just a distraction. This isn't the subject you should be discussing with your husband.

You have a husband who is violent and abusive, and he is threatening you in front of your child. That's the real issue. It always begins with verbal abuse and then moves on to physical abuse.
Your child is already suffering from trauma. You are not safe. You need to leave this man before it becomes too late. I would suggest contacting a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.

Good point. I’m in the “eh coordinating flights with your male college friend is a little weird” camp, but it should’ve been at most a 5 minute calm conversation between you and DH. Maybe even something y’all joke about one day. I don’t think anyone on here feels like your DH’s reaction was justified. And in front of a child?!? No no no. He really needs to work on his self-control.

Anonymous wrote:He’s cheating on you - that’s when men are the most insecure and suspicious. Every accusation is a confession.

This sadly.

He picks a fight too to feel less guilty

Is your H middle eastern?

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I got into a huge fight today (first one in months) and now I’m wondering who’s being unreasonable.

One of my old male college friends invited me to fly with him to attend our mutual female friend’s wedding. We’ve all known each other forever and there has never been anything romantic between us. It’s a short trip (about a 2-hour flight) and honestly just seemed practical/convenient to coordinate travel together.

My husband is furious about it and says he doesn’t want me to travel with my friend. I said he could come if he wanted, but he dislikes my friend, and says no. Today he yelled at me about it in front of our 6 year old daughter, which upset her so much she started crying. That bothered me more than the argument itself.

I told him I understand why he may feel uncomfortable and I’m sorry about that, but the ticket is already booked and I truly don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. I also don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding over this.

Would this bother other men here? Am I being insensitive, or is my husband overreacting?

This is the main issue right here in bold. You're focusing on the wrong thing.
Your post and questions should have been about the domestic abuse from your husband. The travel plans with your friend are just a distraction. This isn't the subject you should be discussing with your husband.

You have a husband who is violent and abusive, and he is threatening you in front of your child. That's the real issue. It always begins with verbal abuse and then moves on to physical abuse.
Your child is already suffering from trauma. You are not safe. You need to leave this man before it becomes too late. I would suggest contacting a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all know women who would rip their husband’s balls off for doing the same thing so get over the yelling part. OP is wrong.

Some truth to this ^

I'm sure some women would do this. I would call them wrong and controlling as well.

(DP). As a DW, I wouldn’t yell or freak out but I would probe DH a little and be a little… concerned. Because it is a little odd to actually coordinate flights with a random college friend, no?

It seems like the spouses who at least don’t dig in and ask questions are the ones with their heads in the sand. If they learn that it’s totally innocent - as I guess it is for OP - then but only then should they give their blessing.

She is not a schoolgirl, and he is not her daddy. She doesn't need his blessing.

Are you married?

Very much so. Just not to a controlling man-child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t discuss this with him before, because I knew how he’d react, and didn’t want to deal with it until later. He has no reason to be angry or to distrust me. I wouldn’t mind if he did the same.

The problem is not that your husband is weak and insecure, it’s you doing something that you know would be a problem with no concern for your spouse. Your avoidance of the APPROPRIATE conversation is immature and disrespectful. My high school daughter pull this stuff on homecoming and lost her phone for a month, plus she couldn’t go to prom. It doesn’t matter if anything inappropriate happens, you lack maturity and integrity.

You punished your daughter for not communicating with her boyfriend?. Not sure you should be giving relationship advice.

That sounds insane. It's not like you're sharing a hotel room. It's always nice to travel with someone else you know if the logistics are otherwise convenient.