I’d do it if I already had eggs frozen. I wouldn’t do a fresh cycle.

I’m one of the posters who would not be very fussed by this request. But absolutely no one should feel obligated to say yes. OP, it sounds like your answer is a very clear no. I would just tell her no and explain that you are not comfortable medically or emotionally with donating your eggs to anyone (no need to explain further). She will need to accept that answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a deeply personal decision and you have to be fully in board. You're not a bad person if you aren't okay with it.

Some people would be fine with it, some wouldn't, it doesn't make either wrong.

It’s actually not that personal. It’s just DNA. Do you feel the same about giving blood?

Have you donated a kidney yet? It’s just an organ.

I swear this exact same post was on this site about a year ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

OP here.

It has been very interesting reading such wide ranging responses to this issue. I’m surprised that there are so many people who would not feel any special attachment to a child conceived with their eggs, beyond that of niece or nephew. I guess I just would have a hard time knowing that there was a child in the world who was genetically as much mine as my own two kids, but who I was not raising. The idea also makes my husband very uncomfortable, and while I know it’s not his decision, I feel like his opinion should count for something. So I guess I will have to say no.

While my relationship with my sister is generally good now, that has not always been the case. I’m a little concerned than any response is going to upset the peace we have achieved. I am over 35, so I am hoping that the fertility doctor will tell her I am a poor donor candidate before I have to say no to her directly.

Anonymous wrote:This is a deeply personal decision and you have to be fully in board. You're not a bad person if you aren't okay with it.

Some people would be fine with it, some wouldn't, it doesn't make either wrong.

It’s actually not that personal. It’s just DNA. Do you feel the same about giving blood?

This is a deeply personal decision and you have to be fully in board. You're not a bad person if you aren't okay with it.

Some people would be fine with it, some wouldn't, it doesn't make either wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

Eh, I'm adopted and know who my birth parents are. I've never felt a particular draw to them and I've certainly never felt like I was their child.

The question is more how do your birth parents feel about you? I would sooner agree to be a surrogate than an egg donor. I don't think I would feel that attached to a child I only carried for 9 months but otherwise wasn't related to.

This, my child’s birth family has the stronger draw. I am the one who keeps the relationship going.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

The sister would be the mother. OP would be a genetic relative, but certainly not the mother.

"A genetic relative?" Lol. Sure. There's a name for that relationship whether you speak it or not.

Are you as deliberately obtuse about adoption?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

The sister would be the mother. OP would be a genetic relative, but certainly not the mother.

"A genetic relative?" Lol. Sure. There's a name for that relationship whether you speak it or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

Eh, I'm adopted and know who my birth parents are. I've never felt a particular draw to them and I've certainly never felt like I was their child.

The question is more how do your birth parents feel about you? I would sooner agree to be a surrogate than an egg donor. I don't think I would feel that attached to a child I only carried for 9 months but otherwise wasn't related to.

Well they have been a part of my life since I was a baby as they are involved in the overall family/close friend dynamic. They have never given me any impression that they feel like I'm theirs or anything like that. They treat my siblings and me the exact same, which is different from the children they had later in life. I'm not saying what people are saying is wrong, but putting out blanket statements is. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

Feelings and biology are different though. Regardless of how you feel about it, you can't change your DNA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do it, OP. Don't be selfish. This is your sister.

No. It's not selfish to not want to risk your own physical and mental health so that your sister can bear your child. WTH. This isn't like refusing to let her borrow your favorite sweater.

It wouldn't be OP's child.

Of course it is. You can't change biology.

Eh, I'm adopted and know who my birth parents are. I've never felt a particular draw to them and I've certainly never felt like I was their child.

The question is more how do your birth parents feel about you? I would sooner agree to be a surrogate than an egg donor. I don't think I would feel that attached to a child I only carried for 9 months but otherwise wasn't related to.

Well they have been a part of my life since I was a baby as they are involved in the overall family/close friend dynamic. They have never given me any impression that they feel like I'm theirs or anything like that. They treat my siblings and me the exact same, which is different from the children they had later in life. I'm not saying what people are saying is wrong, but putting out blanket statements is. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.