Anonymous wrote:Does everyone on here who plans to generously support their adult children have their spouse's complete agreement on this point? I see this is becoming a point of contention in our marriage, and it may even be something worth divorcing over. If one spouse wants to give away a lot of money while the other wants to hold on to enough assets to ensure a comfortable, secure retirement, then the spouse who doesn't want to give away money yet has to file for a divorce and protect their half, right? In our case, there are also elderly family members taking money, and the total spending rate, once you add on pricey adult-kid stuff like a home down payment or an expensive wedding, would definitely be negative, and I see it coming like a train wreck.

Yes, spouses need to be on the same page financially or a marriage will rarely succeed.

Neither of us would spend on "family" if we are not well set ourselves

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone on here who plans to generously support their adult children have their spouse's complete agreement on this point? I see this is becoming a point of contention in our marriage, and it may even be something worth divorcing over. If one spouse wants to give away a lot of money while the other wants to hold on to enough assets to ensure a comfortable, secure retirement, then the spouse who doesn't want to give away money yet has to file for a divorce and protect their half, right? In our case, there are also elderly family members taking money, and the total spending rate, once you add on pricey adult-kid stuff like a home down payment or an expensive wedding, would definitely be negative, and I see it coming like a train wreck.

Pp who gives for specific items. Yes, we are in complete agreement because, otherwise, it wouldn't be happening. We always discuss any major expenditures. We both grew up in frugal middle class homes where parents eventually could afford an UMC life when we were out of the house. So our tendency is to be careful.

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Anonymous wrote:No cutoff here, though our older two are almost entirely independent in their early 20s. We pay for their cell phone plans, and until recently, car insurance. We give them annual gifts and add to their brokerage accounts. Agree with PPs who said this all depends on your financial situation and kids’ ability to be responsible without family help.

My parents didn’t support us after college, except my mom bought clothes for me until her death when I was in my forties. She had a great eye, and was appalled that I’d wear clothes until they frayed out of disinterest. I never asked her to do this, but I got a kick the compliments I’d get wearing whatever new thing she gave me.

My mother did this too! It was like having a personal shopper who had better taste and more interest in clothes than me. Eventually I started reimbursing her to encourage it.

I’m that mother! I love doing personal shopping for people. My oldest daughter loves it but my middle school daughter just wants to wear the same baggy clothes every day. It’s nice that your mother enjoyed it so much and how you appreciated it.

Someday you will be buying clothes for your mother. Circle of life.

I have been buying her clothes for a while now, not just the kids. My husband too.

They are lucky.

Does everyone on here who plans to generously support their adult children have their spouse's complete agreement on this point? I see this is becoming a point of contention in our marriage, and it may even be something worth divorcing over. If one spouse wants to give away a lot of money while the other wants to hold on to enough assets to ensure a comfortable, secure retirement, then the spouse who doesn't want to give away money yet has to file for a divorce and protect their half, right? In our case, there are also elderly family members taking money, and the total spending rate, once you add on pricey adult-kid stuff like a home down payment or an expensive wedding, would definitely be negative, and I see it coming like a train wreck.

Anonymous wrote:To those of you who are giving money to their kids, are there strings attached? One poster mentioned the money goes to their brokerage account. Are any of your kids married? If so, this money could potentially be divided if the marriage doesn’t survive. From my perspective, it’s complicated.

Interesting question.

We do not have tons of money as we are first gen immigrants - but we scrimped and saved for our kids. We have paid for college and all costs before jobs, car, medical insurance, apartment set up, professional wardrobe, wedding - for our kids but it has primarily been for single children till now.

I expect to help with down payment of a home but it will be in the form of a loan at the Applicable Federal Rate - that will be repaid back to us.

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Anonymous wrote:Why do people have kids on cell phones who they require to pay them?

Surely she could get a plan for under $100? What's the point of this?

My kids will be on or off, I don't want to make sure they're reimbursing me.

It’s just so easy to leave them on the plan, why not?

But then why ask them for $100 a month? Surely they can find a cheaper plan than making mom's life "easier"?

Different poster. I wouldn’t ask for money. When they get married they will probably want their own family plan, until then it’s easier to keep it the same.

Anonymous wrote:To those of you who are giving money to their kids, are there strings attached? One poster mentioned the money goes to their brokerage account. Are any of your kids married? If so, this money could potentially be divided if the marriage doesn’t survive. From my perspective, it’s complicated.

Money given outright shouldn’t have strings attached. They are adults. If you want to protect money for grandchildren or children there are other ways to do that.

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Anonymous wrote:No cutoff here, though our older two are almost entirely independent in their early 20s. We pay for their cell phone plans, and until recently, car insurance. We give them annual gifts and add to their brokerage accounts. Agree with PPs who said this all depends on your financial situation and kids’ ability to be responsible without family help.

My parents didn’t support us after college, except my mom bought clothes for me until her death when I was in my forties. She had a great eye, and was appalled that I’d wear clothes until they frayed out of disinterest. I never asked her to do this, but I got a kick the compliments I’d get wearing whatever new thing she gave me.

My mother did this too! It was like having a personal shopper who had better taste and more interest in clothes than me. Eventually I started reimbursing her to encourage it.

I’m that mother! I love doing personal shopping for people. My oldest daughter loves it but my middle school daughter just wants to wear the same baggy clothes every day. It’s nice that your mother enjoyed it so much and how you appreciated it.

Someday you will be buying clothes for your mother. Circle of life.

I have been buying her clothes for a while now, not just the kids. My husband too.

I think a gradual release of bills over to their name is a good idea. So if they need to register their car somewhere new, that's a good time to sign over the insurance to them. If it will really lower your bill, at some point stop paying for their cell phone. Sometimes family plans are cheaper though!

But the food they eat at home? I'd never ask my kids to pay for that. I want home to be a haven. Fun trips? They can pay for those. Family trips, I'll pay. Healthcare I'll pay until they get a job with healthcare.

Once they graduated from college and got good paying jobs. Thank god they're both successful.

Anonymous wrote:To those of you who are giving money to their kids, are there strings attached? One poster mentioned the money goes to their brokerage account. Are any of your kids married? If so, this money could potentially be divided if the marriage doesn’t survive. From my perspective, it’s complicated.

DP. We give for the purchase of specific goods and services: car, health care/insurance, cell phone, travel with our family, wedding, house downpayment, furniture, major appliance, etc.

Anonymous wrote:To those of you who are giving money to their kids, are there strings attached? One poster mentioned the money goes to their brokerage account. Are any of your kids married? If so, this money could potentially be divided if the marriage doesn’t survive. From my perspective, it’s complicated.

Once our kids marry/have a partner we will continue to give. I trust my kids to have good choices in lifelong partners. However, the trusts are setup for just our kids and future grandkids, etc. As long as you are married into our family, you benefit, but you wont leave the marriage with any of it.

But no, there are no strings attached, other than kids need to have a job and be "doing something with their life". They cannot just sit around, play video games, do drugs and collect $$. But they can be a SAHP (once kids arrive) and can take a job with a non-profit/lower paying career path and know they will be supported to have a nicer lifestyle than their job can afford.

So far, all 3 kids are in careers and working to advance, just like they would without it. And they live within a budget their jobs can support. They use our gifts for additional retirement savings and future home downpayment. We pay for vacations with us.

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Anonymous wrote:Why do people have kids on cell phones who they require to pay them?

Surely she could get a plan for under $100? What's the point of this?

My kids will be on or off, I don't want to make sure they're reimbursing me.

It’s just so easy to leave them on the plan, why not?

But then why ask them for $100 a month? Surely they can find a cheaper plan than making mom's life "easier"?

Anonymous wrote:Generational affluence wow. Those that have get and keep getting.
Poor kids, kids from MC families dont get $$$ no matter how much they are loved.
Don't forget to be grateful for the position you are in to even contemplate full pay, cars, down payments, etc.

This is not true. It's actually insulting as if I don't have the smarts as a low income earner.
There are so many things poor/middle class can do for their kids and for themselves to get the ahead. Money helps, but what really helps is great health, consistency, avoiding mistakes, human capital, and many other things.
Not making enough money barely makes it to top 10 reasons. I lived this life and I lived among the poor.
It's like people telling the sad immigrant stories about arriving with $10 in the pocket. Many of the people have 'intangible assets'.
There is no reason why poor and middle class can't have them also. They may not see them clearly and then someone like PP also piles on that it must be the $$$. It's such a disservice to people already blaming the income.
My kids grew up with the knowledge that low income is NOT the problem. Having such knowledge and now experience, is an asset.

Haven’t read all the responses but I am 42 and my parents paid for everything until I had my first job. When my sister and I graduated college they gave us our first cars. They helped pay our first and last month apartment deposits when we first got started as well. And paid for our weddings. They also loaned my husband and I money for our first house.

So none of this is very surprising. I am now obviously fully independent with kids of my own. But I suspect DH and I will do similar for our kids as my parents.