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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

Been through several of those things. I just rsvp no.

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

It’s different when you cancel and say, “I so appreciate your invitation, but I’m not feeling like I can mingle today. The grief feels like a tidal wave. Thanks for your support and enjoy!”

But, most people don’t decline in that way. Even DH complains that his friends will respond to an invitation saying, “Out of town that day.” Never a bummer, or thanks, or let’s try again.

Then maybe they don't like him that much? I have a few groups of girlfriends and we're all (separately) trying to plan some weekends away. It's been hard to find times that work for everyone but we keep trying. If someone just peaced out I'd take it as a sign that they didn't care about getting together.

I think 80% would go to his funeral and say they missed him, so not sure about that. He likes to entertain and go out and is just the initiator. I am too, and I think we're both finally over it. People just don't want to hang out lately, for whatever reason.

Some of you I recognize from the cookie exchange thread.

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Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

That’s great for you. I generally enjoy it when I go out and do feel better afterwards and I’m glad I went. But sometimes it’s also too much and not going is the right decision. Just because it was a good idea for you that one time doesn’t mean it’s the answer for everyone all the time.

I’m someone who hosts a lot and of course I get disappointed when people back out. I’ve also stopped inviting or at least stopped expecting anything from certain people. That helps me temper expectations and leave room for my friends who generally show up but sometimes need to back out.

I doubt someone who hosts a lot is ok with people just not showing up because it's "too much" here and there. People don't like being taken advantage of or mistreated, which is what happens when people flake. It's too much to buy food and drink for friends who don't care enough to attend.

I mean, ok, not sure what to tell you. I literally explained that I'm disappointed when people back out but I also plan events accordingly. I either secure RSVPs from the people I care about who I know won't flake and then am not bothered by the rest if it's a smaller event or I make it a bigger event and then I don't really care who shows up.

A lot of our social gatherings are pot luck style, which helps because you have the right amount of food, it's not too much to ask of the host, and maybe people feel more pressure to attend if they said yes because they've responded saying they're bringing something specific and they know people are counting on that.

At the end of the day, you can either live your life pissed about the people who didn't show up or enjoying the ones who did. I choose the latter.

Pot luck? Ick.

I don’t expect people to bring a dish. I provide, as the host.

Don't worry, you won't be invited.

I also cater some parties or provide all the food. But a lot of times we're doing something more casual and everyone participates.

Anonymous wrote:You’re all so dramatic. “Omg but my mental health.” It’s a friggin bbq.

If you're curious, this may be why people don't show up to your parties.

I host multiple times a year, sometimes smaller events and sometimes larger ones. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has flaked on me at the last minute. I also wouldn't be a jerk if someone did. I wonder if there's a connection there.

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

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Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

+1

Ironically the perpetual flakes get most offended when they aren’t invited to everything. At least in my experience. Entitled dead weight is the worst.

They definitely expect you to put your own needs aside to cater to theirs. It’s a one way street.

So then don't? I mean, how hard is it to just not invite people who flake or just not cater to people who don't care about you?

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Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

That’s great for you. I generally enjoy it when I go out and do feel better afterwards and I’m glad I went. But sometimes it’s also too much and not going is the right decision. Just because it was a good idea for you that one time doesn’t mean it’s the answer for everyone all the time.

I’m someone who hosts a lot and of course I get disappointed when people back out. I’ve also stopped inviting or at least stopped expecting anything from certain people. That helps me temper expectations and leave room for my friends who generally show up but sometimes need to back out.

I doubt someone who hosts a lot is ok with people just not showing up because it's "too much" here and there. People don't like being taken advantage of or mistreated, which is what happens when people flake. It's too much to buy food and drink for friends who don't care enough to attend.

I mean, ok, not sure what to tell you. I literally explained that I'm disappointed when people back out but I also plan events accordingly. I either secure RSVPs from the people I care about who I know won't flake and then am not bothered by the rest if it's a smaller event or I make it a bigger event and then I don't really care who shows up.

A lot of our social gatherings are pot luck style, which helps because you have the right amount of food, it's not too much to ask of the host, and maybe people feel more pressure to attend if they said yes because they've responded saying they're bringing something specific and they know people are counting on that.

At the end of the day, you can either live your life pissed about the people who didn't show up or enjoying the ones who did. I choose the latter.

Pot luck? Ick.

I don’t expect people to bring a dish. I provide, as the host.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

It’s different when you cancel and say, “I so appreciate your invitation, but I’m not feeling like I can mingle today. The grief feels like a tidal wave. Thanks for your support and enjoy!”

But, most people don’t decline in that way. Even DH complains that his friends will respond to an invitation saying, “Out of town that day.” Never a bummer, or thanks, or let’s try again.

Then maybe they don't like him that much? I have a few groups of girlfriends and we're all (separately) trying to plan some weekends away. It's been hard to find times that work for everyone but we keep trying. If someone just peaced out I'd take it as a sign that they didn't care about getting together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

Look, I don’t flake on things I have responded yes to, but you don’t get to order that people need to put aside their mental health so your party can be full. Life is complicated, and while I will do everything I can do that I can honor my commitments, sometimes it can be too much for some people. Also, frankly, they don’t like you as much as they need to help themselves. You can either find that hurtful or informative of how your friends feel.

LOL.

I mean, yeah, if people flake on me, I do stop inviting them, so I get the message, but it's a bit rich to attack hosts for being upset that people flake. Obviously we can't "order" anyone to do anything, but it's still rude and inconsiderate, and I have no sympathy for those people when they lament how hard it is to make friends or how lonely they are or how they suddenly need a village. I've struggled with depression my whole life, and I've never pretended that it somehow made other people wrong for expecting me to keep my promises.

You're feeling attacked by that post? That's all I need to know about you then.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

That’s great for you. I generally enjoy it when I go out and do feel better afterwards and I’m glad I went. But sometimes it’s also too much and not going is the right decision. Just because it was a good idea for you that one time doesn’t mean it’s the answer for everyone all the time.

I’m someone who hosts a lot and of course I get disappointed when people back out. I’ve also stopped inviting or at least stopped expecting anything from certain people. That helps me temper expectations and leave room for my friends who generally show up but sometimes need to back out.

I doubt someone who hosts a lot is ok with people just not showing up because it's "too much" here and there. People don't like being taken advantage of or mistreated, which is what happens when people flake. It's too much to buy food and drink for friends who don't care enough to attend.

I mean, ok, not sure what to tell you. I literally explained that I'm disappointed when people back out but I also plan events accordingly. I either secure RSVPs from the people I care about who I know won't flake and then am not bothered by the rest if it's a smaller event or I make it a bigger event and then I don't really care who shows up.

A lot of our social gatherings are pot luck style, which helps because you have the right amount of food, it's not too much to ask of the host, and maybe people feel more pressure to attend if they said yes because they've responded saying they're bringing something specific and they know people are counting on that.

At the end of the day, you can either live your life pissed about the people who didn't show up or enjoying the ones who did. I choose the latter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

They ain't flaking on the Obamas, if you catch my drift. They are literally telling at you they don't value you and frankly don't give a s*** about you. Actions speak far louder than phony texts and chit-chat when you see them.

+1. You don't matter to them, CLEARLY. I don't know why people continue to bend over backwards for "friends" who make it CLEAR you are a nobody to them. Spare me the anxiety crap, you're a grown man or woman. And as PP said, if this was an invite by someone extremely influential and high status, they'd NEVER in a million years flake. But you all keep befriending "friends" who do this over and over and over? Cut them out of your life and focus on people who actually value you.

Yep. I tried to have a mom get together and ONE person showed up. The others all said they would come and bailed an hour before they were supposed to come for various lame reasons.
High status mom at the school threw one the same month and you’ll be shocked to hear that every single mom in the grade was there. No one got “sick” or “wasn’t feeling it!” It was a miracle.

How on earth are people using social anxiety as an excuse? I have pretty severe social anxiety. Flaking at the last minute is much worse for my social anxiety than going. If I were to flake, I'd assume that the host is upset with me and might not ever again want to invite me to anything. I'd also be beating myself up for being a jerk and costing sometime money or ruining their evening. Actually attending an event that I've RSVP-ed to is the thing that will chew on my mindspace the least.

Likewise, if I'm hosting and a lot of people flake last minute for lame reasons, I'll likely go into a social anxiety tailspin and spend the next few days examining the friendship and wondering whether you even like me as a person.

I would guess that a lot of the people using social anxiety as a reason to be flaky don't even have it. They're just self absorbed.

You’re all so dramatic. “Omg but my mental health.” It’s a friggin bbq.