Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 17:17     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:Our oldest DD is a senior this year and we’ve made so many mistakes.

Her dream school is a T10 that we can’t afford. We’ve been upfront with her about it being too expensive. She said she just wanted to see if she could get in. Well, she got in and it’s been emotionally exhausting to deal with. The school keeps sending letters and packages. They recently offered to pay for her and a parent to fly out for their admitted student day, which she desperately wants to do.

She applied to another school T50 and applied for a prestigious full ride scholarship. She started getting excited about it and saying she would likely go to the school because of the scholarship program. She made it to the final round, had an interview, took a test, etc. Tonight she found out she didn’t get it. She’s been in tears. Says she’s no longer interested in the school. I get it. It put a bad taste in her mouth.

It’s looking like her best option is our state flagship school. We actually live in the town with the school, so this is not exciting to her.

As a parent I feel like we’ve made so many mistakes and the experience has been pretty negative overall.



My parents let me apply to any school I wanted and when I got in then said I couldn’t go (for me it was age, not money). I ended up at a state school. I was a little bitter about it at first, but I got over it. I loved college and have an amazing life. I now understand my parents’ position of not crushing my dreams but also not wanting their 16 yo to go out of state.

This is a long way of saying your DC will have a great, successful life even if she goes to your state school. And she will realize that in time (if not immediately).
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 17:12     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
So the COA is $65 k but how much do you have saved in total for all four years? What is your shortfall?
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 17:07     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
These schools are too expensive at that income level and this is why most kids who go are poor or rich (or have rich grandparents). It was different in the 80s and 90s. Your dd does not realize it now but her flagship is a great option.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 17:01     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand the problem. Top 10 private universities offer exceptionally good financial aid. At Princeton, families earning less than $250,000 pay no tuition at all. Other top privates are similarly generous. Almost no one says no to MIT or Stanford because it's unaffordable. Plus financial aid packages can always be negotiated.

Also, every student of this caliber generally has numerous merit offers at lower ranked universities. Someone getting into MIT, Harvard or similar always has options. If this student's parents are morons, surely her high school counselor or even friends would have encouraged her to apply widely to maximize options.


The problem is that it’s a troll post.


Either it is a troll post or OP simply doesn’t want to pay for T10 and trying to crowdsource excuses.

We have send 2 DCs through these processes and seen countless others receiving aid (FA or merit). Given the FA amount, OP makes decent if not good $$$. Otherwise, the daughter would’ve gotten a full ride or half off. $65k is doable but will require tightening of some fringe expenses. Doesn’t sound like OP is willing to do that or just willing to spend the T10 tuition.

OP, if you aren’t a toll, you need to understand if you succeed in persuading your daughter out of attending T10 due to cost, she will remember this decision for the entirety of her life. Especially after she begins to earn her own living and learn to budge, she will come to the realization you made one choice on her education when you could’ve done things differently. To her it will land in the camp of “you don’t think she is worth it”.





My friend, at 58, is still bitter that his parents pulled the plug on Princeton at the last minute in favor of a scholarship and the honors program at Penn State. He is brilliant and has done just fine in life . . . I doubt his outcomes would have been any different, but he has never forgiven his parents for denying him the chance to go to Princeton back in 1986.


+1 - in my case Smith, but the principle remains the same.


Same here. My husband's parents wouldn't pay for Dartmouth at the 11th hour. He went to Delaware on a full scholarship.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:59     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Flagship ranking is around 150. She got a scholarship so cost is 5K tuition plus housing (10K). 15K total.

T10 school. She got 20K in financial aid which would bring tuition down to 50K. Housing is about 15K. 65K total.

Engineering major.


So you are talking 200k difference. About 170k if she takes out the full government student loan amounts per year. If she only got 20k in grants from a top ten school, then you guys should be able to afford to the extra 170k. I think you should try to make that happen for her. A top ten could offer life changing career opportunities.

Also, try to negotiate the aid.


The fact that you are downplaying $170,000 is insane. Guilting a parent into spending $170,000 more they she can afford is how we ended up with the student loan crisis.


Exactly! Yes, I agree at the likely income (to only get $20K), they most likely "Could" afford that if they made different choices. But they likely are already living an elevated lifestyle that uses all of their income. And that means they cannot afford it.

Obviously they should not pay an extra $170K. They should never have allowed their kid to apply, because a simple NPC check would have told them exactly what they would get. If you cannot afford it, you don't let your kid fall in love, apply and get accepted. THat's a recipe for disaster.


NPC was wrong wrong wrong for two of the schools my kid got admitted to. $30,000 off (in the wrong direction) in one case.

The FAFSA schools all gave generous merit aid, the CSS schools want us to sell our house.

It all worked out in the end, their dream school came through with very generous merit but I could see how someone would get a bad rug pull if they relied on the estimates.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:36     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand the problem. Top 10 private universities offer exceptionally good financial aid. At Princeton, families earning less than $250,000 pay no tuition at all. Other top privates are similarly generous. Almost no one says no to MIT or Stanford because it's unaffordable. Plus financial aid packages can always be negotiated.

Also, every student of this caliber generally has numerous merit offers at lower ranked universities. Someone getting into MIT, Harvard or similar always has options. If this student's parents are morons, surely her high school counselor or even friends would have encouraged her to apply widely to maximize options.


The problem is that it’s a troll post.


Either it is a troll post or OP simply doesn’t want to pay for T10 and trying to crowdsource excuses.

We have send 2 DCs through these processes and seen countless others receiving aid (FA or merit). Given the FA amount, OP makes decent if not good $$$. Otherwise, the daughter would’ve gotten a full ride or half off. $65k is doable but will require tightening of some fringe expenses. Doesn’t sound like OP is willing to do that or just willing to spend the T10 tuition.

OP, if you aren’t a toll, you need to understand if you succeed in persuading your daughter out of attending T10 due to cost, she will remember this decision for the entirety of her life. Especially after she begins to earn her own living and learn to budge, she will come to the realization you made one choice on her education when you could’ve done things differently. To her it will land in the camp of “you don’t think she is worth it”.





My friend, at 58, is still bitter that his parents pulled the plug on Princeton at the last minute in favor of a scholarship and the honors program at Penn State. He is brilliant and has done just fine in life . . . I doubt his outcomes would have been any different, but he has never forgiven his parents for denying him the chance to go to Princeton back in 1986.


A kid/adult has other issues if they still feel that so many years later! Such as being an entitled spoiled brat. We don't know what financial choices the OP has made. But either way, sounds like they can fully pay for state U for their kid. They are getting a good education wherever they go, and the perks of minimal debt (if any). Something very few kids get.

Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:33     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:We told our children before they applied to college how much money we had saved. If they wanted to go out of state they need to get scholarships to make up the difference. One did just that. One wanted to apply to a $90,000 a year college. We said no.


Because that is exactly what parents are here for....to guide their kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:32     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You mentioned three schools - a T10, a T50 and a T150. Surely she applied to others.


This. Hard to believe only applied to believe. Also hard to believe that someone accepted at a top 10 would not get into some top 25.


And also hard to believe someone who gets into a T10 for engineering is not capable of understanding finances (basic math). And yes apply to those in the 30-75 range. My female engineer got $20-45K from many schools in that range. Got $42K/year at CWRU, and would be attending Case had we not had enough saved for other choices. But that is all merit---had we needed money, my kid would be attending Case.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:30     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let her be sad then sit down to explore if it is remotely possible to make the T10 school work. Is she willing to help with the cost by working summer? Honestly, I work full time at a professional office job and I would likely get a part time job to make this happen for my child if I had to.


This.


No way the kid can earn $50K in a summer. Maybe $10-12K with summer and PT work during the year. Most parents cannot earn another $40K (after taxes) very easily.
I wouldn't do that. I would have told my kid what we can afford and guided them to apply to schools that were within range. Just as we do for everything else in life---if we cannot afford it, we don't look at it.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:28     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Flagship ranking is around 150. She got a scholarship so cost is 5K tuition plus housing (10K). 15K total.

T10 school. She got 20K in financial aid which would bring tuition down to 50K. Housing is about 15K. 65K total.

Engineering major.


So you are talking 200k difference. About 170k if she takes out the full government student loan amounts per year. If she only got 20k in grants from a top ten school, then you guys should be able to afford to the extra 170k. I think you should try to make that happen for her. A top ten could offer life changing career opportunities.

Also, try to negotiate the aid.


The fact that you are downplaying $170,000 is insane. Guilting a parent into spending $170,000 more they she can afford is how we ended up with the student loan crisis.


Exactly! Yes, I agree at the likely income (to only get $20K), they most likely "Could" afford that if they made different choices. But they likely are already living an elevated lifestyle that uses all of their income. And that means they cannot afford it.

Obviously they should not pay an extra $170K. They should never have allowed their kid to apply, because a simple NPC check would have told them exactly what they would get. If you cannot afford it, you don't let your kid fall in love, apply and get accepted. THat's a recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:24     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It means you take vacation locally for four years instead of Tahiti or Hawaii.


This is so effed up. You sound privileged out of your mind.

We have taken vacations for under $2,000 because we’re on that kind of budget. Taking a local vacation does not close the budgetary gap to an elite education.

Can you even imagine families who can’t afford vacations that still have brilliant children who want elite educations?

- A double HYP grad married to a double HYP grad, who both work for nonprofits


Then you have to make a choice. Live a lifestyle that allows you to save for college (the $90K+ costs are not a surprise, it was predictable) if you want them to attend HYP or any other T25. Or you can be realistic, have the non-profit jobs you love and set their sites on a good affordable school. How much you want to save for it is up to you. Or one of you take a higher paying job for several years, don't increase lifestyle and save for college (ideally done when kids are younger)
You have choices.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:21     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Flagship ranking is around 150. She got a scholarship so cost is 5K tuition plus housing (10K). 15K total.

T10 school. She got 20K in financial aid which would bring tuition down to 50K. Housing is about 15K. 65K total.

Engineering major.


The difference is only 50k!

Of course she can work part time to pay for the difference. Waitress, tutoring, etc. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to earn 50k per year.

If you are willing to pay additional 10k, that really helps.


OP, I’m sorry you are getting weird belligerent responses like the one above.

Did she only apply to 3 schools? For engineering I would not take out $200k+ in loans.

Do your local school and then see about transferring. Or the one that puts a bad taste in your mouth, assuming you can afford it.


OP here. Thank you for your kind response. I agree that an engineering degree cannot justify 200K in loans.

I’ve talked to her about potentially transferring schools after two years. She wasn’t open to the idea. I think she just needs some time to be sad.


yes she does need time to be sad. But that's because you led her to believe she might get to attend. If you ran the NPC and you would know you only get $20K, and T10 schools don't give Merit aid (maybe a few but in reality it's less than 2-3% who get any). So you explain that and don't let her apply. If she's truly smart enough to get into a T10 for engineering (or anything), she should be able to understand finances.
It's our job as parents to set realistic expectations for our kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:19     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:NP Does anyone reading this think 250K is an insane amount to pay for an undergrad degree when you have a cheaper option??


Because it is, unless you have it already saved (without compromising your own future as adults nearing retirement). If you have it saved, then it's not.

Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:18     Subject: Re:So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Flagship ranking is around 150. She got a scholarship so cost is 5K tuition plus housing (10K). 15K total.

T10 school. She got 20K in financial aid which would bring tuition down to 50K. Housing is about 15K. 65K total.

Engineering major.


Then you make 220-300k, and can afford 65k. She can take out 5k in loans if you want, and since again this must be HYP or MIT, she can easily get a research position that will pay around 2k a semester, can likely make 5k + each summer.
Let her go.


+1

They most likely could "afford" it if they had planned better. But are likely stuck in a "we spend all of it and don't have $40-50K extra each year and didn't bother to save". Unless they have it saved or can easily pay it (at even $300K they likely cannot), then they should not attend,.

This is precisely why you do not let your kid apply somewhere you truly cannot afford. Just like most don't go and test drive $80K+ vehicles, you don't test drive/apply seriously to a school that costs $90K+/year unless you can afford it. Because of course, if your kid gets in, they will want to attend.

The cost factor of college should be laid out for your family/kids when they are in 9th grade and reiterated yearly. It's nice to have dreams, but it's not worth going into major debt for school
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2026 16:18     Subject: So many mistakes. So much disappointment.
Anonymous wrote:Our oldest DD is a senior this year and we’ve made so many mistakes.

Her dream school is a T10 that we can’t afford. We’ve been upfront with her about it being too expensive. She said she just wanted to see if she could get in. Well, she got in and it’s been emotionally exhausting to deal with. The school keeps sending letters and packages. They recently offered to pay for her and a parent to fly out for their admitted student day, which she desperately wants to do.

She applied to another school T50 and applied for a prestigious full ride scholarship. She started getting excited about it and saying she would likely go to the school because of the scholarship program. She made it to the final round, had an interview, took a test, etc. Tonight she found out she didn’t get it. She’s been in tears. Says she’s no longer interested in the school. I get it. It put a bad taste in her mouth.

It’s looking like her best option is our state flagship school. We actually live in the town with the school, so this is not exciting to her.

As a parent I feel like we’ve made so many mistakes and the experience has been pretty negative overall.



Didn't she get any merit scholarship from T50 school? If she was a top candidate for a full ride, didn’t the school offer any merit aid to bring down the cost? I get why she was disappointed about not getting a full ride, but does she prefer in-state flagship over T50?