Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I just think you're ignorant about what getting old means. My dad is pushing 80 and overall in good health yet last week he took his girlfriend for cataract surgery, got bloodwork, went to see two different doctors and got a stress test. He was fitting in socializing around that. But overall his week was dominated with medical stuff. And that's someone who's HEALTHY.

doctors appointments are simply a part of life when you are older. And yeah, they are much more frequent. But honestly reading your post it sounds like your father is doing pretty well for his age. Some people can’t even walk without help at that age. Your dad has a girlfriend. Think about that.

I don’t understand your comment about my father’s girlfriend?

You are clearly doing ok if you have the energy to have a girlfriend is the point. My father can barely walk and can’t drive anymore. Your father has the energy to sustain a relationship and transport both himself and his girlfriend to appointments and you mentioned socializing. A lot of people at that age can’t do any of those things.

Yeah my dad is 72 and has basically spent the last decade in his recliner. My mom used to drag him out to socialize but he wouldn’t wear his hearing aids and just sat there in blissful silence, ignoring the conversation around him. Now they don’t get invited anywhere anymore and my mom doesn’t want to go out without him. I’m their only social outlet and it’s too much pressure.

My husband is only 63 and yup, his most significant relationship is with his recliner. Makes me want to keep working indefinitely.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My kids were working junior year and senior through college and fully funding themselves. Some people have different values *shrugs*

Good! It’s the ones who are 100% financially taken care of that come out of college totally unprepared to be on their own.

We’ve supported both our kids. Paid in full for college and now one is in grad school and the other is crushing it but in an industry that doesn’t pay well at entry level. I’m not going to have him live someplace unsafe to make some kind of point. He’s also able to make max contributions to his retirement now which is when it matters most. Right now we’re still helping with rent and health insurance for him and he’s slowly assuming more financial responsibilities as his pay creeps up.

We have a deal, they work hard and spend reasonably and the support keeps coming. When they decide to buy drinks for the whole bar or purchase nonsense items, the wallet is closed. They’re both frugal and really nice people.

NP-That's really tricky and depends on the child. I have two and I'd have no issue helping the frugal one who already works through college. The other one though? I worry that helping him is enabling him. And of course you cannot have a double standard with kids because it's a recipe for bad relationships all around. I am hoping both will require no help because helping my less responsible one seems like a slippery slope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids were working junior year and senior through college and fully funding themselves. Some people have different values *shrugs*

Good! It’s the ones who are 100% financially taken care of that come out of college totally unprepared to be on their own.

We’ve supported both our kids. Paid in full for college and now one is in grad school and the other is crushing it but in an industry that doesn’t pay well at entry level. I’m not going to have him live someplace unsafe to make some kind of point. He’s also able to make max contributions to his retirement now which is when it matters most. Right now we’re still helping with rent and health insurance for him and he’s slowly assuming more financial responsibilities as his pay creeps up.

We have a deal, they work hard and spend reasonably and the support keeps coming. When they decide to buy drinks for the whole bar or purchase nonsense items, the wallet is closed. They’re both frugal and really nice people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think you're ignorant about what getting old means. My dad is pushing 80 and overall in good health yet last week he took his girlfriend for cataract surgery, got bloodwork, went to see two different doctors and got a stress test. He was fitting in socializing around that. But overall his week was dominated with medical stuff. And that's someone who's HEALTHY.

doctors appointments are simply a part of life when you are older. And yeah, they are much more frequent. But honestly reading your post it sounds like your father is doing pretty well for his age. Some people can’t even walk without help at that age. Your dad has a girlfriend. Think about that.

I don’t understand your comment about my father’s girlfriend?

You are clearly doing ok if you have the energy to have a girlfriend is the point. My father can barely walk and can’t drive anymore. Your father has the energy to sustain a relationship and transport both himself and his girlfriend to appointments and you mentioned socializing. A lot of people at that age can’t do any of those things.

Yeah my dad is 72 and has basically spent the last decade in his recliner. My mom used to drag him out to socialize but he wouldn’t wear his hearing aids and just sat there in blissful silence, ignoring the conversation around him. Now they don’t get invited anywhere anymore and my mom doesn’t want to go out without him. I’m their only social outlet and it’s too much pressure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always kinda wanted to be a middle aged woman. I admired their freedom and sense of self. 50’was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 55 and loving it more and more each day. I’ve got my health issues, but still wouldn’t go back to 25 for all the money in the world.

+1 - the freedom I feel is so massive

Do you both have entirely grown and self-sufficient kids? 25 was SO much better for me. I had freedom and self of sense then more than now.

DP. I remember crying at 25 (after having too much to drink) about having no career, no family etc.
my 30s were way better (finally achieved both) but I’ll take my current 50 over my 25 any day.
Yes I was younger and more attractive but it didn’t do me much good. Now I have what I need and what I need doesn’t include validation from men for example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids were working junior year and senior through college and fully funding themselves. Some people have different values *shrugs*

Good! It’s the ones who are 100% financially taken care of that come out of college totally unprepared to be on their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think you're ignorant about what getting old means. My dad is pushing 80 and overall in good health yet last week he took his girlfriend for cataract surgery, got bloodwork, went to see two different doctors and got a stress test. He was fitting in socializing around that. But overall his week was dominated with medical stuff. And that's someone who's HEALTHY.

doctors appointments are simply a part of life when you are older. And yeah, they are much more frequent. But honestly reading your post it sounds like your father is doing pretty well for his age. Some people can’t even walk without help at that age. Your dad has a girlfriend. Think about that.

I don’t understand your comment about my father’s girlfriend?

You are clearly doing ok if you have the energy to have a girlfriend is the point. My father can barely walk and can’t drive anymore. Your father has the energy to sustain a relationship and transport both himself and his girlfriend to appointments and you mentioned socializing. A lot of people at that age can’t do any of those things.

Yeah my dad is 72 and has basically spent the last decade in his recliner. My mom used to drag him out to socialize but he wouldn’t wear his hearing aids and just sat there in blissful silence, ignoring the conversation around him. Now they don’t get invited anywhere anymore and my mom doesn’t want to go out without him. I’m their only social outlet and it’s too much pressure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think you're ignorant about what getting old means. My dad is pushing 80 and overall in good health yet last week he took his girlfriend for cataract surgery, got bloodwork, went to see two different doctors and got a stress test. He was fitting in socializing around that. But overall his week was dominated with medical stuff. And that's someone who's HEALTHY.

doctors appointments are simply a part of life when you are older. And yeah, they are much more frequent. But honestly reading your post it sounds like your father is doing pretty well for his age. Some people can’t even walk without help at that age. Your dad has a girlfriend. Think about that.

I don’t understand your comment about my father’s girlfriend?

You are clearly doing ok if you have the energy to have a girlfriend is the point. My father can barely walk and can’t drive anymore. Your father has the energy to sustain a relationship and transport both himself and his girlfriend to appointments and you mentioned socializing. A lot of people at that age can’t do any of those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always kinda wanted to be a middle aged woman. I admired their freedom and sense of self. 50’was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 55 and loving it more and more each day. I’ve got my health issues, but still wouldn’t go back to 25 for all the money in the world.

+1 - the freedom I feel is so massive

Do you both have entirely grown and self-sufficient kids? 25 was SO much better for me. I had freedom and self of sense then more than now.

DP. I remember crying at 25 (after having too much to drink) about having no career, no family etc.
my 30s were way better (finally achieved both) but I’ll take my current 50 over my 25 any day.
Yes I was younger and more attractive but it didn’t do me much good. Now I have what I need and what I need doesn’t include validation from men for example.

At 25 I had a job I loved. I did not make a lot of money but it was plenty for my needs. I had good friends, total stability and independence, I looked (in retrospect!) fantastic, beautiful and stylish. Now? I have a great dh and my kids are generally good but I'd say I've mostly forgotten myself along the way. Not sure I have the mental space to rebuild as a person.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I still have to cook for everyone. I feel like being 50ish is a pretty bad age tbh: empty nest but kids still so demanding and home a lot, aging parents with so many issues, and in my head I am selfish and don't want to take care of anyone but myself. Much much harder for me than the little kid years and no freedom like in my early 20s.

I still think it’s different than the kids being home every day. Also, please don’t think it’s your obligation to take care of your parents. I have made sure I have enough assets and plans in place where my kids will never have to take care of me. I think it’s such a burden on children and I simply don’t think it’s fair. People should not have kids with the hope that they will take care of them when they are old.

It's great you did that but my in-laws did no and dh will not abandon them so we'll have to at least help a lot logistically. I really meant more in terms of health worries though.

And as far as kids, this stage is different but imo it is actually more work and less enjoyable than even the high schools years: they are home much more when they are home (off school, dirtying the house all day long every day, eating so much food it is crazy). And sure, they will help if asked but it's not truly helpful because they still create much more work and want to do things on their timeline. For instance dd offered to go get groceries but that's happening when she feels like it after this and that and I'll need the groceries earlier.

It's all really surprised me because I thought being an empty nester was supposed to be great. It's really not: it's phone calls every day when things are not good, listening to their problems all the time (but of course, don't give advice because as mentioned on the adult children today as well, they just want to complain and complain!), they don't call much when things are going well so you don't get the fun debriefs...And then when they are not home, it's this weird feeling of freedom but not quite because so much money goes to them still so it's not like we don't have to be careful about our own spending. Idk...it sucks for me. Enjoy your little kids while you can!!! I sure did and I miss those years.

And it’s simply not your husband’s problem that your in-laws didn’t plan for their own lives. Our lives our are own and nobody’s responsibility but ourselves. That’s what it means to be an adult. When my Father asks me for money (which he does fairly regularly-because he also didn’t plan for well, anything) I simply say that my children are my responsibility and that is who I need to save money for. That’s it. Parents are responsible for children until they are on their own. Then there isn’t a switch where a child then becomes responsible for the parent.

You say that now, and I don't even disagree about how it *should* be, but realistically things pan out differently. We went through it with dh's great grandparents: They would have starved (literally) if we did not start getting them groceries on Instacart (they paid with EBT but could not figure out how). Then dh had to coordinate all the end of life care after a fall for his grandma and dementia for his grandpa. None of this cost money other than actually flying to help out sporadically. There is much more to eldercare than just money that can make life full of worry and stressful.

flights are expensive-especially last minute ones which most emergency family ones tend to be. They can run upwards of $1k per seat. So don’t downplay that financial cost. Also you are saying this was for your husbands grandparents? Where were his parents during all this!?

Yes, his grandparents. Also far, and fil helped some but could not figure out a lot of it. He did handle the actual funeral arrangements.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always kinda wanted to be a middle aged woman. I admired their freedom and sense of self. 50’was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 55 and loving it more and more each day. I’ve got my health issues, but still wouldn’t go back to 25 for all the money in the world.

+1 - the freedom I feel is so massive

Do you both have entirely grown and self-sufficient kids? 25 was SO much better for me. I had freedom and self of sense then more than now.

DP. I remember crying at 25 (after having too much to drink) about having no career, no family etc.
my 30s were way better (finally achieved both) but I’ll take my current 50 over my 25 any day.
Yes I was younger and more attractive but it didn’t do me much good. Now I have what I need and what I need doesn’t include validation from men for example.