Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

This isn't really strings attached. It's a reasonable thing to include people they're close to, including their children, especially when other cousins are included. I don't agree with being a high maintenance guest. But this idea that somehow guests are supposed to deal with anything with a smile and the wedding couple is above reproach is silly.

If you're close to your sibling, I would probably just mention it to them once. I would be *livid* if I found out my son did this. I know, people would say that's overstepping, but in families that work well, we do actually care about hurting each others' feelings. The groom's parent can talk with the groom, if they want to, and the groom can either share why it won't work or perhaps make an exception. Both are ok, but no need to never discuss anything because it's "their big day".

I guess the other question is - was this nephew thankful for your earlier support? Are they otherwise kind? If so, I would also move on and not lose the relationship over this.

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you're upset, but you're majorly overreacting.

You're centering yourself and your experience, which is natural, but they aren't! They're planning an event for probably 100-200 people. They decided no children. Maybe because that's the vibe they want, maybe because there are some children (of friends, of her family) that would be really poorly behaved, maybe as a cost cutting measure. There are many totally understandable reasons for not inviting kids, and making exceptions can create major problems for the couple. You're seeing it as one extra person - but it could easily mean 20 extra guests, between your family, her family, and their friends. It's not about you or your son!

I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

But during that time, don't do anything that you'll regret down the line, or anything hurtful toward people who haven't done anything wrong. Figure out, via pure logistics, what makes the most sense as far as the wedding (Son comes with and hangs in the hotel? Stays with a friend? You go and he stays home with his dad?), put on a happy face for the wedding, give a normal amount as a gift (no need to go overboard, especially if you're feeling stung, but don't be stingy).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

This isn't really strings attached. It's a reasonable thing to include people they're close to, including their children, especially when other cousins are included. I don't agree with being a high maintenance guest. But this idea that somehow guests are supposed to deal with anything with a smile and the wedding couple is above reproach is silly.

If you're close to your sibling, I would probably just mention it to them once. I would be *livid* if I found out my son did this. I know, people would say that's overstepping, but in families that work well, we do actually care about hurting each others' feelings. The groom's parent can talk with the groom, if they want to, and the groom can either share why it won't work or perhaps make an exception. Both are ok, but no need to never discuss anything because it's "their big day".

I guess the other question is - was this nephew thankful for your earlier support? Are they otherwise kind? If so, I would also move on and not lose the relationship over this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Sorry you can’t afford nice weddings for your kids.

I can.

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Sorry you can’t afford nice weddings for your kids.