Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

I do see your point (I’m the PP). But, what I see from OPs post is that she goes out of her way to host them for both winter holidays every year, they never really say thanks or pitch in, and this year they said they don’t even feel welcome. To me, saying that sort of thing to someone’s face (they said it to DH face not hers, I know) and expecting to come back and be hosted for Christmas in 4 weeks after openly complaining about the way in which they were hosted? I would be so ashamed if I were those in laws. Truly. If the comment came out as verbal diarrhea I’d have called the next day and sincerely apologized because you are right, people say things out of anger sometimes and they don’t mean them, and they do deserve some understanding if they’re family and it’s out of character. But again- why is it JUST on OP to suck it up and be gracious? Why shouldn’t the in laws be calling to apologize? Instead, OP is expected to host them again in a matter of weeks? I guess I just disagree that OPs feelings matter so little over the holidays.

Yes this is so well said. To say that, no apologies and expect to show up and do it all again less than a month later…no

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another take. I was hosted for the holidays. I know the hosts put a lot of work into to it and I thanked them. From the time I got there till I left the only time anyone really spoke to me was at dinner. It was the person seated next to me. I tried making conversation and after a couple minutes, hosts would move on to spend their time with their friends. There were 8 people there.
Although I appreciate the invite I really didn’t feel welcomed.

And did you say this to your host's face? If you didn't, your little story is off-topic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there history here or were you gobsmacked bc the comment was out of character?

If the latter, I would definitely let it go, host Christmas, and then reevaluate next year's holidays when the time is closer. You can host what you want without the drama of uninviting anyone.

It’s definitely nothing new, as far as DH is concerned; they’ve always been difficult. But it’s the first time I’ve felt insulted. I’ve had a really crappy year and still went out of my way to host them, and for my hospitality to be weaponized, just doesn’t sit well with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Cutting someone off isn’t the same as declining to run yourself ragged to host them. IL’s can spend this Christmas reflecting on their actions.

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.