Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Do you want permission from strangers to damage the relationship? Bc you don’t need that if that’s what you want to do. Ultimately showing up for people or not always affects relationships, and categorically saying you will not show up has a greater impact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be vague and make it sound like you will while not committing.

People get really upset when you flat out say no.


Just let it play out.

OP here. I agree with this and wonder if I should have been more vague with my sister. But she literally told me that she expects us to visit right away so I thought at the time that it would be better to get ahead of things by saying that we probably would not. I may have played that wrong and should have been more vague. And yes, while I admit I can be very rigid in my thought processes, my sister is the type that if you do not state your position right away, she decides in her mind how something should be and will not later bend from it. Has been like that since we were young.

Yes, you played that wrong. It is to reply to her question "when are you coming" with "Never!". You just say that you have plans to go to X and Y first, but it is definitely on the list, and you will see when you can fit it in.

In any case, there is no country that I would refuse to visit once, especially if a close friend/sibling was there.

The country is Israel

I have live abroad my whole adult life. My brother has made it very clear he hates where I live (which is ironically a gorgeous place people love to visit) and has no desire to ever set foot here. My feeling about this is that it is rude, dismissive and ignorant. I can't imagine telling anyone, much less a family member, that I look down on where they live and would never consider setting foot there, no matter what that place is. The correct, tactful thing to do is to say you are not sure if you can come visit, and just switch the conversation and ask about the relocation plans and be curious and positive about the new experience your sister will have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be vague and make it sound like you will while not committing.

People get really upset when you flat out say no.


Just let it play out.

OP here. I agree with this and wonder if I should have been more vague with my sister. But she literally told me that she expects us to visit right away so I thought at the time that it would be better to get ahead of things by saying that we probably would not. I may have played that wrong and should have been more vague. And yes, while I admit I can be very rigid in my thought processes, my sister is the type that if you do not state your position right away, she decides in her mind how something should be and will not later bend from it. Has been like that since we were young.

Yes, you played that wrong. It is to reply to her question "when are you coming" with "Never!". You just say that you have plans to go to X and Y first, but it is definitely on the list, and you will see when you can fit it in.

In any case, there is no country that I would refuse to visit once, especially if a close friend/sibling was there.

Anonymous wrote:If you are not a troll, you created this drama by telling your sister that you would “never, ever” visit. You have no idea if/when you might visit even if you feel strongly now. You should have just said “we will see” and let her make up whatever fake scenario she wanted to in her head.

You have no idea what might happen in coming years. Perhaps where you live will be wiped out with some sort of 1000 year storm and you would realize that staying overseas made sense while your home was rebuilt. Perhaps your sister’s husband will become deathly ill overseas and you will want to visit. Perhaps whatever is problematic about this country will go away with regime change. Perhaps you will simply miss your sister terribly and decide to go. Perhaps they will realize they hate it there and sell this second home within 2 years.

You both sound overly dramatic and ridiculous.

Only response needed!

Anonymous wrote:I would visit once. I think your sister has expressed a strong wish, and you said it would damage your relationship if you don’t visit. And that year you visit her, I would do a cheap second vacation to a destination of your choosing.

One visit doesn’t make or break a relationship. If the requirement is to go once then it’s about your sister needing to control others actions or worse the type that demands sacrifices from others to feel important.

OP your sister can be disappointed and even upset but those are her feelings to manage. It’s not your responsibility to make sure your adult sister is kept happy.

Perhaps your sister will realize buying there was a big mistake lolz

If you are not a troll, you created this drama by telling your sister that you would “never, ever” visit. You have no idea if/when you might visit even if you feel strongly now. You should have just said “we will see” and let her make up whatever fake scenario she wanted to in her head.

You have no idea what might happen in coming years. Perhaps where you live will be wiped out with some sort of 1000 year storm and you would realize that staying overseas made sense while your home was rebuilt. Perhaps your sister’s husband will become deathly ill overseas and you will want to visit. Perhaps whatever is problematic about this country will go away with regime change. Perhaps you will simply miss your sister terribly and decide to go. Perhaps they will realize they hate it there and sell this second home within 2 years.

You both sound overly dramatic and ridiculous.

I would go once and fake an illness there. Something about the climate just doesn't agree with you! Then sis can visit you from now on.

Your sister is choosing to move thousands of miles away. Your sister expects that you will give up your vacation to travel to her in a place you don’t want to go. If you do not do this, your sister will damage your relationship.

This is not OK.

I would visit once. I think your sister has expressed a strong wish, and you said it would damage your relationship if you don’t visit. And that year you visit her, I would do a cheap second vacation to a destination of your choosing.

The location would matter to me— asking someone to go somewhere they’re likely to be mistreated is different than someplace simply boring or very annoying to reach. But, she also can’t spend your money or time for you and if she is painting a picture for herself of lots of visits, its kinder to be honest than vague.

We are a military family frequently posted overseas and even domestically often far from family. It is currently a 36 hour trip to visit us from the east coast of the U.S.

My parents have come here once. These are brutal travel experiences and I don’t think anyone should plan very far ahead as to what they will or won’t be able to do travel-wise.

But to save the relationship you should go once, but not when they first arrive. It takes a good 6 months to work out logistics in new countries and find the places you will show people.

So I would put her off and say that you do want to see her new life and very loosely plan to visit their second year there about 6 weeks post their return.

It also helps for you to have some basic knowledge of the place in case there are health complications or other things you need to assist with in the future. It is so much easier if you know the neighbors and the local doctor/ hospital.

It sounds like you are both stuck imagining your dream retirement experiences without a thought of reality.

You are not obligated to visit. And you tell her bluntly that her expectations are out of line, considering your budget and the fact that you are not interested in this part of the world. If she was living permanently in that country, sure, maybe one visit. But she's going to return to the US regularly: why on earth put you out of time and money???

I understand that she's disappointed. I would be too if I loved a country so much that I chose to live there half the time, and my close relatives refused to appreciate it. But ultimately, you are correct that none of this is your problem and you should not be expected to visit!

If you decline to visit a beloved family member in their new home because you would rather spend the time going somewhere more interesting, you’re going to damage the relationship. You just are. Sure, if you can’t afford it, or you would be arrested entering the country, or it would lose your security clearance, or it would be a disaster with your million tiny children, fine. But if it’s just that you want to go somewhere else instead, your family member will think you just don’t care very much about them. And they would be right.