Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slightly off topic, but be very, very specific in the custody agreement about extracurricular activities, especially team sports, school band, and social activities like birthday parties. A couple of years into coparenting, my ex remarried and moved 45 minutes away. His new wife resented the time he spent on our children's activities, so he banned the kids from participating in any activities on their time. They were dropped from competitive soccer, took grade hits in school band, missed birthday parties, and so on. Eventually, he and his wife moved out of the country, so the issue resolved itself, but at a significant cost to our kids.

NP and a 45 minute move is my nightmare, especially if it’s 45 minutes in traffic but not necessarily on paper. I know my STBX would do something like that and use the distance against me.

Is there any way to ensure continuity of extracurriculars? I’m still in early stages of planning and have heard everything from “you can’t” to “build it all into the settlement including future possible activities.” Mine are barely tweens so I can see their extracurriculars and social life shifting in a way that’s hard to anticipate right now.

This is one of those clauses you need to draft yourself, then give it to your attorney to review. In our modified agreement, I specified what their activities are and how long they've done each of them to tell a story, and that both parents agree to CONTINUE to support their activities and their activities shall take precedent over either parent's time. If one parent declines to take them, require them to give the other parent a certain amount of notice, and the other gets a right of first refusal to cover the activity. No makeup time if a parent forfeits time for an activity. Say you can substitute one activity for another at the kids' directions. Include a remedy for violating the clause, like contempt of court, plus the defaulting party pays attorney's fees. Spend time thinking about all the ways your exs can hold your children hostage to punish you, and draft around them. Use ChatGPT or another tool for help. Draft the agreement as if you will have to take it to court multiple times to enforce it, so it needs to tell a clear story with well-defined requirements and consequences. Your ex may not agree. Mine did because he owed me a lot of back support, which I forgave to get the modifications.

This is terrible as mom can do all the activities on dad's time and then say kids cannot see dad becuase of activities. You held your kids hostage and refused contact. I feel bad for your kids.

Anonymous wrote:XH and I live 40 minutes apart (long story, but he is a pathological liar and I got screwed by his lies). That being said, we have been living separately for about 3 years now and our kids had a great adjustment. I did fight for more time with kids but ultimately decided on what works for us and try not to judge myself. If XH and I lived closer in a more affordable area, things would be different. We also live very far from any family so we factored in travel time. Once again, if family were close and we lived near each other, things might be different.

- M-F Dad’s house because he lives near the school ($$$ area)
- F-S Mom’s house, sometimes 3-day weekends when I have work off
- He gets one weekend per month on months that there isn’t a school break (spring/summer/fall/winter). We split the longer breaks and each get half (summer/winter) and we each get either spring or fall, the same every year.

Our kids are very happy because they kept their schools and same friends, as weekend parent I make an effort to continue their social activities even if it means farther distances for me to travel.

One thing I was really stressed about was not having 50/50 but my bond with them is still very strong. I had been a SAHM many years and had to go back to work and although I’d love to have more time with them (and fought for it), I’m playing catch up in my career. I was counseled by my lawyer and mediator to go with this because I am able to focus on work. To be honest, one blessing that comes from this arrangement is I don’t have to worry about the childcare during the school week.

I try to attend their school PTA events when they happen after work or on the weekend.

I observed and talked to other friends who are divorced. I saw some crazy schedules (50/50 but the days are all over the place and would drive me bonkers, something like 5-2-2-5 or similar). I know someone who does 2 weeks/on /off but they have highschoolers. I know moms who got full custody and have jobs I would never want, no career really. I know a mom who fought for 50/50 but also ended up in a situation where she can’t afford the ex’s neighborhood and can’t work and she will be screwed when it comes to retirement.

Good luck OP. Definitely do what’s best for the kids and try to work through any guilt, even if you end up with something that looks different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slightly off topic, but be very, very specific in the custody agreement about extracurricular activities, especially team sports, school band, and social activities like birthday parties. A couple of years into coparenting, my ex remarried and moved 45 minutes away. His new wife resented the time he spent on our children's activities, so he banned the kids from participating in any activities on their time. They were dropped from competitive soccer, took grade hits in school band, missed birthday parties, and so on. Eventually, he and his wife moved out of the country, so the issue resolved itself, but at a significant cost to our kids.

NP and a 45 minute move is my nightmare, especially if it’s 45 minutes in traffic but not necessarily on paper. I know my STBX would do something like that and use the distance against me.

Is there any way to ensure continuity of extracurriculars? I’m still in early stages of planning and have heard everything from “you can’t” to “build it all into the settlement including future possible activities.” Mine are barely tweens so I can see their extracurriculars and social life shifting in a way that’s hard to anticipate right now.

This is one of those clauses you need to draft yourself, then give it to your attorney to review. In our modified agreement, I specified what their activities are and how long they've done each of them to tell a story, and that both parents agree to CONTINUE to support their activities and their activities shall take precedent over either parent's time. If one parent declines to take them, require them to give the other parent a certain amount of notice, and the other gets a right of first refusal to cover the activity. No makeup time if a parent forfeits time for an activity. Say you can substitute one activity for another at the kids' directions. Include a remedy for violating the clause, like contempt of court, plus the defaulting party pays attorney's fees. Spend time thinking about all the ways your exs can hold your children hostage to punish you, and draft around them. Use ChatGPT or another tool for help. Draft the agreement as if you will have to take it to court multiple times to enforce it, so it needs to tell a clear story with well-defined requirements and consequences. Your ex may not agree. Mine did because he owed me a lot of back support, which I forgave to get the modifications.

This is terrible as mom can do all the activities on dad's time and then say kids cannot see dad becuase of activities. You held your kids hostage and refused contact. I feel bad for your kids.

How much energy does it take to camp out here and on the relationships forum and lie in wait to barf out your men’s rights nonsense every night? It’s getting old.