My mom didn't want a public (ie more than family members and a few select friends) funeral for my father because the vast majority of their "friends" would have made it about them and she didn't want her grief to be public.

I had a few people complain to me that they needed closure. I very politely told them to f-off.

Anonymous wrote:Just an acceleration of our culture's discomfort with death. Now we can just pretend it doesn't happen.

Does anyone think that any of the institutions/rituals of culture are at all valuable? That there was a reason they continued for centuries?

I agree. I don't think funeral services need to have embalmed bodies or praying or talk of the afterlife or any of the things that many people here are fixated on. But gathering together to honor a person who was loved, sharing memories of that person--I think it's really important. To me, honoring the dead in this way is something that, ideally, strengthens community and family ties. I understand that this isn't always the case-- when family ties are strained or nonexistent, funerals can be extraordinarily difficult and bring only pain. Maybe that's partially what underlies the disagreement here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

I mean, OP, you want to gossip about it so bad you went on DCUM and created a post. If you are representative of the type of person who would be attending the funeral, then, yes, I think it makes sense for the widow to decide she would rather grieve privately.

Agreed. People are cruel and nosy. Years ago, a coworker and her sister attended the funeral of the sister's colleague's mother. They took pictures of the mom in the casket and were texting each other about how ugly the lady was. My coworker told me the story and assumed I would find it funny. I didn't. People are so weird. Even at your lowest, people often don't care and take glee in gossiping. Gossip never sleeps.

My mother-in-law's dramatic/excruciating (they had to peel my grief stricken sister in law from the car) funeral 18 years ago solidified my feeling that funerals are a waste and don't provide any closure. No pun intended, but it's a dying tradition that needs to RIP.

I don't want one and have made it patently clear to my kids. Both of my parents are deceased, so I don't feel obligated to oversee any more funerals. The morbid nature of funerals only serves to compound the grief. Creepy morticians, frozen-faced deceased, ugly floral sprays-- let the tradition die already.

Anonymous wrote:Just an acceleration of our culture's discomfort with death. Now we can just pretend it doesn't happen.

Does anyone think that any of the institutions/rituals of culture are at all valuable? That there was a reason they continued for centuries?

No, people just don’t like to do hard things. And modern funeral homes couldn't make it any easier. We had my mom’s all planned out in less than two hours. They take care of all the details you just pick everything out from their books and binders. It’s not supposed to be fun, but not everything in life has to be fun. While none of us looked forward to it, it went surprisingly well and it was nice to see so many people turn out for her and say nice things.

Just an acceleration of our culture's discomfort with death. Now we can just pretend it doesn't happen.

Does anyone think that any of the institutions/rituals of culture are at all valuable? That there was a reason they continued for centuries?

Anonymous wrote:Me neither. Told my kids to do whatever they wanted. If a memorial service or a party makes them feel better go for it. But, don't feel obligated to do the traditional one. Just went through it for a parent and it just made the whole grieving process harder. People mean well but small talk at a funeral can be exhausting. I do have to admit - I like condolence cards especially those that share stories.

Was any of the small talk meaningful? My dad died when I was 26. He was a very introverted person who did not share his emotions. I still remember a work colleague coming up to me to tell me that I was "the apple of his eye." That is a priceless memory due to our relationship, and I never would have had that without a memorial service.