Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Of course you should watch your grandchild for free.
If your other child wanted help they would have asked and they would have made it happen.
I help one child and not the other. One of my kids is fiercely independent and we all get that.

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

This, for sure. Your DS has child care figured out. Don't create or imagine a problem.

I wouldn't assume this family will take care of you when you're old as some sort of pay-back. What if they move to the other coast when the youngest is in middle school? Then the other sibling is closer.

Agree with PP that I would have a list of ground rules, and I would be sure that included vacation time and time that you spend with the other sibling's family.

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

No. Your daughter should pay you because it's her kid and she should be responsible for her child. You should tell her you are charging $10/hr--which is dirt cheap! You should also have a set of "do's, don'ts and won'ts" to avoid future problems.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is very inequitable and yes, there will likely be some resentment. Don't be surprised when your DIL leans on her family more and your son ends up with his ILs for holidays, etc. And you will naturally end up having a much closer relationship with your daughter's child, which is completely normal considering you'll be spending so much time together. But that difference will be very obvious at gatherings and will probably be a source of additional resentment. It's lovely that you want to help your daughter and I hope she recognizes and appreciates what you are giving her. If I were in your shoes and I had the means, I would say to my son "I'm going to give you guys $xxx a month for the next two years to help with daycare. I'm helping Lisa with her baby, but I want to help you too." It will go a long way to making it not feel so much like you have a favorite.

Absolutely not! Why should grandma provide full-time daycare AND pay for another's daycare. Nope.
Writing by a DIL, no double.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

I disagree. I think the friend pointed out something that is pretty obvious to anyone on the outside who has ever had to worry about childcare. Providing 100% of work time childcare for one grandchild and doing nothing for the other is pretty crappy. And I personally think it's pretty crappy for OP's daughter to provide 40+ hours of free childcare every week. Has your daughter had enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity that is being set up and has SHE verbalized her concern about how grandma is doing so much for her that she is not doing for the other child? I bet the daughter is sort of blissfully ignoring this glaring inequity because she is really counting on free daycare.

Apparently, this is very person specific. I would not dream of having an issue with what you have described, unless it was part of some broader pattern of favoring the other child. You don't refuse to help one kid because the other is too far away to help, and you don't send one kid money to make up for the fact that you are babysitting the other's kid. This all sounds very over the top in terms of bean counting because there are geographic realities at the heart of it. You can't be in two places at once.

I do think it makes sense to be sure to give special attention to the grandchild you don't see as often when they are all in one place. If there is a special meal you know the other grandkid likes, you bring it over. Show your love through phone calls and just by caring. If you are present, you will end up being helpful in other ways. Roles may reverse one day. You never know. You don't want to set up a dynamic where every helpful thing to one child requires an equal, inorganic overture to the other.

My in-laws did the bulk of the childcare and frankly child rearing for my SIL and BIL (SIL did not work either). They were often busy with doing stuff for those grandkids, who were all born before our children (SIL is older than my husband and they started young), and everything always revolved around them. I didn't care because they were my in-laws, not my parents, and I didn't want free childcare from them, but my husband would get annoyed that we always had to cater to his sister's needs/desires/schedule (again, she didn't work). Long story short, we saw the in-laws a lot less than they would have liked (it was plenty for me) because we weren't willing to always make everything about SIL/BIL and their kids.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to provide full time daycare? That would be a hard no for me.

Yeah, this. I'm not there yet as my daughters don't have children but I can't imagine taking care of an infant full time at that point in my life. It's a lot to ask of someone who isn't being paid. Is your husband on board? Does he work? It's going to greatly impact your ability to do anything during the day and then also take away energy for other things. I'm not saying it might not be worth it to you, but are you planning to do this until the child goes to kindergarten?!

Anonymous wrote:Fair isn't always equal - that is my motto. If they need more help, just help them. It is okay and kind of you. If they are in a pinch, they can use you Or for date nights or weekends away.

+1000

I have twin girls and my husband and I find each other saying this a lot!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the DIL in this situation! (Not really, kids are teens now and DS didn't start daycare til he was 2). It was never an issue for us. We never would have dreamed of asking MIL to drive that far to provide care. In laws watched DS so DH and I could date nights or nights away together, so they got to form a bond that way. And I think MIL felt like she made up for it a bit. But yeah, definitely no issues from our end that MIL provided FT care to niece and not DS.

That literally sounds exhausting! I would not want to do that as the grandparent. (I am not one yet.) But that provides no options for hobbies, travel or friends.

I think it is a good point about vacations too. I can't imagine being retired but having to ask daughter - hey can you get care for Friday because I want the weekend off? Gah! Nope.

At the time, FIL was still working so MIL didn't mind being busy all week. They did stuff on the weekends. She also didn't have a ton of hobbies back then. Fast forward 10 years and they travel around the world and she's involved in more activities than I can name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

Alternatively- have your parents move closer to you! Ours did.

I wouldn’t see grandparents watching kids daily as a benefit. Grandparents babysitting once a year while parents going on vacation is golden though! That’s the real prize.

Yes either way is fine but be close to parents once they age.

Renege on the offer.
Give each the same amount of money to help out. $100, whatever.
There. Equal.

I can’t imagine any grown children allowing their parent to full-time babysit for free. If her DH had any respect for himself he wouldn’t agree to that arrangement. Sounds like you raised an immature and selfish child.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the DIL in this situation! (Not really, kids are teens now and DS didn't start daycare til he was 2). It was never an issue for us. We never would have dreamed of asking MIL to drive that far to provide care. In laws watched DS so DH and I could date nights or nights away together, so they got to form a bond that way. And I think MIL felt like she made up for it a bit. But yeah, definitely no issues from our end that MIL provided FT care to niece and not DS.

That literally sounds exhausting! I would not want to do that as the grandparent. (I am not one yet.) But that provides no options for hobbies, travel or friends.

I think it is a good point about vacations too. I can't imagine being retired but having to ask daughter - hey can you get care for Friday because I want the weekend off? Gah! Nope.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to provide full time daycare? That would be a hard no for me.

This is the biggest problem if OP committed full time. Op will have to eat her words soon or later.