Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


One of the hassles of being an ACOD is that if you don't like the new person your parent marries, you're assumed to have divorce-related issues and need therapy. No other reason is allowed. It's okay to dislike your in-laws, or anyone else who marries into your family, but to protect the conscience of divorced people, no dislike of a new partner by adult children can be treated as legitimate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread was a bit hijacked by the person with the father who had multiple relationships. I am truly sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but my life and my boyfriend are very different from yours.

I actually have a good relationship with my boyfriend's daughter and perhaps I didn't relay this here correctly. I am just trying to understand her a bit and receive feedback from others, but if things remain the way they are now, then it will be fine. She has a Mom and her Mom and Dad will be there for all her special events. I don't ever want to be in the middle of this. I don't know what the future holds, but I will continue to treat her nicely and I will also be there for her if she ever needs me. Who knows... I may be the one left someday and I would most definitely keep in touch and make sure that she feels cared for (as well as her sibling). I know loss and pain being widowed and losing dear family members. Sometimes having extended family can be wonderful. My boyfriend's ex-wife actually likes me.

OP, I totally agree. I am generally against blending families and dating men with complicated daughters, but your situation may work since all the kids are out of the house, and you have a lot of empathy and probably as good a relationship as anyone can have with your boyfriend's adult daughter. The most relevant advice you're getting is not to get legally married because there is too much risk of it setting you back financially, especially as you and your boyfriend age. If he needs end-of-life help first, you could end up spending your entire nest egg on his care and have nothing left for yourself, and then become a burden to your own child, which I'm sure you don't want. Just be a couple or say you are engaged, but don't get married.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread was a bit hijacked by the person with the father who had multiple relationships. I am truly sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but my life and my boyfriend are very different from yours.

I actually have a good relationship with my boyfriend's daughter and perhaps I didn't relay this here correctly. I am just trying to understand her a bit and receive feedback from others, but if things remain the way they are now, then it will be fine. She has a Mom and her Mom and Dad will be there for all her special events. I don't ever want to be in the middle of this. I don't know what the future holds, but I will continue to treat her nicely and I will also be there for her if she ever needs me. Who knows... I may be the one left someday and I would most definitely keep in touch and make sure that she feels cared for (as well as her sibling). I know loss and pain being widowed and losing dear family members. Sometimes having extended family can be wonderful. My boyfriend's ex-wife actually likes me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread was a bit hijacked by the person with the father who had multiple relationships. I am truly sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but my life and my boyfriend are very different from yours.

I actually have a good relationship with my boyfriend's daughter and perhaps I didn't relay this here correctly. I am just trying to understand her a bit and receive feedback from others, but if things remain the way they are now, then it will be fine. She has a Mom and her Mom and Dad will be there for all her special events. I don't ever want to be in the middle of this. I don't know what the future holds, but I will continue to treat her nicely and I will also be there for her if she ever needs me. Who knows... I may be the one left someday and I would most definitely keep in touch and make sure that she feels cared for (as well as her sibling). I know loss and pain being widowed and losing dear family members. Sometimes having extended family can be wonderful. My boyfriend's ex-wife actually likes me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, my advice would be to accept her, whatever her feelings may be, and not try to fix it. If she feels like you're going to monitor her every facial expression and be constantly trying to make her feel comfortable because you *think* you know what the problem is, that's going to really annoy her.

You don't actually know why she's feeling un-enthused about this. It could be any number of reasons. For example, I hate when my new stepmom is announcing that she's sooooo happy in her marriage, because I know what a selfish jerk my dad can be and I think he's taking advantage of her and it will get worse. It's not because I wish my mom were still married to him-- I'm thrilled my mom got out when she could. It could be that your boyfriend is not as happy in the relationship as you think he is, and his daughter somehow knows this, so she feels awkward. It could be that the daughter doesn't want to have to spend time with your adult son and she may have very good reasons for that. Who knows.

One of the hassles of being an ACOD is that if you don't like the new person your parent marries, you're assumed to have divorce-related issues and need therapy. No other reason is allowed. It's okay to dislike your in-laws, or anyone else who marries into your family, but to protect the conscience of divorced people, no dislike of a new partner by adult children can be treated as legitimate.

You are really projecting and you really seem to want other people to be as miserable as you are. My boyfriend is very happy in our relationship and this is why he wants to marry me.

You're missing the point. The point is that you might be correct that something is a little off socially, but it might not be what you think it is. It could be anything. Don't assume this is about the divorce. There could be any number of reasons.

I talked about it with my boyfriend and it is related to the divorce even though it's been nearly a decade. I think him moving forward with a new marriage triggered some of thos sadness recently. Things were different before he discussed his wishes to get remarried with her. I understand that this is yet another big change and she will need time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, my advice would be to accept her, whatever her feelings may be, and not try to fix it. If she feels like you're going to monitor her every facial expression and be constantly trying to make her feel comfortable because you *think* you know what the problem is, that's going to really annoy her.

You don't actually know why she's feeling un-enthused about this. It could be any number of reasons. For example, I hate when my new stepmom is announcing that she's sooooo happy in her marriage, because I know what a selfish jerk my dad can be and I think he's taking advantage of her and it will get worse. It's not because I wish my mom were still married to him-- I'm thrilled my mom got out when she could. It could be that your boyfriend is not as happy in the relationship as you think he is, and his daughter somehow knows this, so she feels awkward. It could be that the daughter doesn't want to have to spend time with your adult son and she may have very good reasons for that. Who knows.

One of the hassles of being an ACOD is that if you don't like the new person your parent marries, you're assumed to have divorce-related issues and need therapy. No other reason is allowed. It's okay to dislike your in-laws, or anyone else who marries into your family, but to protect the conscience of divorced people, no dislike of a new partner by adult children can be treated as legitimate.

You are really projecting and you really seem to want other people to be as miserable as you are. My boyfriend is very happy in our relationship and this is why he wants to marry me.

You're missing the point. The point is that you might be correct that something is a little off socially, but it might not be what you think it is. It could be anything. Don't assume this is about the divorce. There could be any number of reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, my advice would be to accept her, whatever her feelings may be, and not try to fix it. If she feels like you're going to monitor her every facial expression and be constantly trying to make her feel comfortable because you *think* you know what the problem is, that's going to really annoy her.

You don't actually know why she's feeling un-enthused about this. It could be any number of reasons. For example, I hate when my new stepmom is announcing that she's sooooo happy in her marriage, because I know what a selfish jerk my dad can be and I think he's taking advantage of her and it will get worse. It's not because I wish my mom were still married to him-- I'm thrilled my mom got out when she could. It could be that your boyfriend is not as happy in the relationship as you think he is, and his daughter somehow knows this, so she feels awkward. It could be that the daughter doesn't want to have to spend time with your adult son and she may have very good reasons for that. Who knows.

One of the hassles of being an ACOD is that if you don't like the new person your parent marries, you're assumed to have divorce-related issues and need therapy. No other reason is allowed. It's okay to dislike your in-laws, or anyone else who marries into your family, but to protect the conscience of divorced people, no dislike of a new partner by adult children can be treated as legitimate.

You are really projecting and you really seem to want other people to be as miserable as you are. My boyfriend is very happy in our relationship and this is why he wants to marry me.

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Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

Maybe she can like you and be sad at the same time. And that can be okay?

Sometimes it takes a while for people to accept how things are now.

My great-uncle-in-law lost his wife to illness. Her widowed best friend, who is a lovely woman, started dating him not long after. They honestly get along better than he did with his original wife. His daughter got married this year and it was just a little twinge for me and my husband (cousins) to see her in our aunt's place as the bride's father's lady/date. She had a beautiful gown and everything. It was nothing against her. We were sad for what might have been.

I'm kind of an Eeyore. Maybe this girl is also. Maybe you can find a few more ways to reach out to her.

I believe that it also might fix when she finds her own spouse. I do know of happy step-grandparents. The main trick is splitting holidays in ways that let a young family rest instead of forcing them into visiting many households in a short time period.

Good luck. You seem nice. I hope it works out for you and yours!

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, my advice would be to accept her, whatever her feelings may be, and not try to fix it. If she feels like you're going to monitor her every facial expression and be constantly trying to make her feel comfortable because you *think* you know what the problem is, that's going to really annoy her.

You don't actually know why she's feeling un-enthused about this. It could be any number of reasons. For example, I hate when my new stepmom is announcing that she's sooooo happy in her marriage, because I know what a selfish jerk my dad can be and I think he's taking advantage of her and it will get worse. It's not because I wish my mom were still married to him-- I'm thrilled my mom got out when she could. It could be that your boyfriend is not as happy in the relationship as you think he is, and his daughter somehow knows this, so she feels awkward. It could be that the daughter doesn't want to have to spend time with your adult son and she may have very good reasons for that. Who knows.

One of the hassles of being an ACOD is that if you don't like the new person your parent marries, you're assumed to have divorce-related issues and need therapy. No other reason is allowed. It's okay to dislike your in-laws, or anyone else who marries into your family, but to protect the conscience of divorced people, no dislike of a new partner by adult children can be treated as legitimate.