I would tell them that there was definitely hope for us to get back together if he moved back to our state and got counseling.

I would have him move back to your state get extreme counseling. As soon as he had enough counseling to reunite him and the child, I would say if he could learn to be a better father to your child that you might get back together.

A minimum of a year of therapy for himself and then a following year of him being a good father to your child that would be two full years of him being away from the affair partner and in counseling I would tell them that then I could get back together.

And then I would never get back together with him at all, but I would have tricked him into getting therapy and being a good father.

And if you think I haven’t done something similar to my ex you’re wrong.

He did four years of therapy and he’s turned out to be a wonderful person a great father and he has a really nice new girlfriend. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Things he does do to reconnect with his son matter. Mother is not preventing him from being a good Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

Troll

NP. I was married 17 years before we had a child. We’re not living in bumblef*ck Alabama like you.

It's uncommon. I didn't say it can't happen.

17 years is ridiculous. Were you poor?

He's does nothing but send a drunken text

Anonymous wrote:You need to be careful that your kid doesn’t hate you later to find out that dad came to his senses but mom didn’t let them connect.

This.

I am sorry you are going through this.

First, the text was about HIS feelings and HIS regret, rather than a genuine desire to learn about his kid and your life. It reads as self-absorbed to me and wanting some sort of supply from you (is he narcissistic? It sounds like he totally discarded you and might be a sociopath as well??). So he is looking for something to make HIM feel better rather than amends, or a real apology to you, it sounds like.

Second, it sounds like inviting him into your life would create chaos for you and your child. I understand needing to create healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your child.

third - yes -I would trust the child therapist on this - maybe you can invite him to write a note, and include pictures, that you are happy to pass on to your kid, at the right point, and your therapist can review?

I think estranged parents and children should reconcile if possible. As for the ex wife, I think she should say "too little too late," but I would not ignore the man. He's their child's father.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

You’re right- I’m not getting it. I’m not being obtuse on purpose- I thought OP said father tried to give up his rights and was denied. The child tried to call dad hundreds of times it’s clear he wanted a relationship. That seems to be indicitive of kid wanting a relationship with his dad doesn’t it?

Read this whole thread again. You aren’t getting it.

And the father trying to give up his rights means he was trying to get out of child support not that he was forced by the court to have contact with his child.

Nor was he disallowed from having contact with child. Mother seems to believe father will “bring trauma” and doesn’t seem to want father to rekindle the relationship with son.

And mother sounds right.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

You’re right- I’m not getting it. I’m not being obtuse on purpose- I thought OP said father tried to give up his rights and was denied. The child tried to call dad hundreds of times it’s clear he wanted a relationship. That seems to be indicitive of kid wanting a relationship with his dad doesn’t it?

Read this whole thread again. You aren’t getting it.

And the father trying to give up his rights means he was trying to get out of child support not that he was forced by the court to have contact with his child.

Nor was he disallowed from having contact with child. Mother seems to believe father will “bring trauma” and doesn’t seem to want father to rekindle the relationship with son.

And mother sounds right.

I was married 7 years after dating started in college. 1st baby was roughly a 10th wedding anniversary baby.

Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

Troll

NP. I was married 13 years before having kids. Got married at 22 and we waited a while.

Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

Troll

some people have fertility issues.

Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

Troll

NP. I was married 17 years before we had a child. We’re not living in bumblef*ck Alabama like you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

Paternal grandmother has passed away since the divorce. Paternal grandfather is in a nursing home with multiple chronic conditions. His health is very poor and he probably won’t live much longer.

When the divorce began, they immediately cut me and kid out. They supported ex 100%. My ex mil passed away late last year and one of their family members reached out to me to ask why kid wasn’t at the memorial service with their dad. I simply stated dad has no contact with kid due to dad’s choice. They said everyone thought it odd ex didn’t mention his child at all when they caught up with him during the memorial and after the funeral service.

Ya’ll don’t understand what terrible and odd circumstance my poor kid had to deal with. They were loving grandparents until they weren’t. Oddly enough, my kid is mentioned as beloved grandchild of deceased grandmother in her obituary.

I feel like we are in the twilight zone.

I wonder if your ex also has autistic traits. He’s been able to completely turn off his emotions regarding his child.

Anonymous wrote:OP, his actions are all that matter. Not his feelings. Not his feelings or this thoughts. Just his actions. His actions now. There is nothing required of you - he can begin acting better, proving that he has a changed outlook, anytime. No attention, you listening to him required.

Agree. Actions over words all day long.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in.