Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

You are teaching them they don’t have to save and don’t have to budget. They won’t have savings to help you if you drain your savings and then need medical care. Take a stroll over to the elder care forum and read the monthly costs for in home and out of the home care. If those posts don’t shock you into saving for your own retirement and medical care, then you maybe are more well off than you posted- in which case, do whatever you want and hope you have $ left when need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

You are teaching them they don’t have to save and don’t have to budget. They won’t have savings to help you if you drain your savings and then need medical care. Take a stroll over to the elder care forum and read the monthly costs for in home and out of the home care. If those posts don’t shock you into saving for your own retirement and medical care, then you maybe are more well off than you posted- in which case, do whatever you want and hope you have $ left when need it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as to no. 6, there is a thread ongoing in the College subforum on paying for law school. We are paying for a T4 (after DC takes out max unsubsidized federal student loans), becausd, quite simply, she couldn’t go if we didn’t because it’s so expensive now. ALSO, DC worked her butt off the make this happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

I would not work longer to pay for weddings/grad school/etc for my grown kids. We can afford it for ours, but if we couldn't we would not delay retirement. Best gift you can give your kids is you not being a burden during your elder years

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is insane. Talk about failure to launch.

Not failure to launch as much as adult kids trying to pass as much costs on to their parents as they can, and their parents are looking at setting some boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return

What you describe sounds crazy unfair. If your engineering kid can’t get a decent job out of undergrad it’s because there is an issue with your kid…an issue that grad school won’t solve. So if I am your other kid I see that as you forking over $85k for nothing.

BTW any 1/2 decent kid gets any grad school for free in engineering…nearly all “decent” jobs will pay for it in the worst case.

I for the life of me don’t get why anyone is paying for law school or an MBA…those are choices which often turn out poorly and are often pursued not due to any particular passion but just a lost kid.

Have you seen the job market recently?!?!? Even engineering is hard to land jobs. Companies are laying people off, not hiring. And most companies do not pay for MS in engineering.

Also how is that not fair? Kids know their education is fully paid for. What they choose to use is up to them. We provided all therapy and tutoring needs to get each kid at their best performance level. One doesn't get more $$$ because they didn't need tutoring or intensive therapies as a ES/MS/HS student.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

Does not affect at all. The only expenses I have for adult children are if we take them out for dinner, and their birthdays/Christmas presents. I am planning to work at least to 65 because I love what I am doing and maybe scale down after that, if health permits. I am 50 right now and as of now, I do not plan to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, unless I will have an unexpected income increase.

2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

We are on the same page now: kids will get our assets only after both of us deceased. I am 10 years younger than my spouse, so he wants to make sure I have enough money during retirement.

3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc? We cover travels to and from home while they were in college (youngest is still in college), after they got a job - they pay for their travels.

4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities? No. We invite them and tell them that the house is paid, and we will treat them for 2 dinners, but the rest of the cost they have to cover themselves.

5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict? I think it is reasonable if the car is not used at that time. If the car is needed, they can uber or use public transportation.

6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too? More likely not, but I might be in the situation where I will change my mind. No automatic payment for all siblings, some of the kids chose the major that will not require grad school (engineering), or more likely their jobs will pay for grad school. One is in PhD fully funded program.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return

What you describe sounds crazy unfair. If your engineering kid can’t get a decent job out of undergrad it’s because there is an issue with your kid…an issue that grad school won’t solve. So if I am your other kid I see that as you forking over $85k for nothing.

BTW any 1/2 decent kid gets any grad school for free in engineering…nearly all “decent” jobs will pay for it in the worst case.

I for the life of me don’t get why anyone is paying for law school or an MBA…those are choices which often turn out poorly and are often pursued not due to any particular passion but just a lost kid.

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

"fair" is different to everyone.

For us, we will fund undergrad and graduate school. However, if one kid chooses not to attend Graduate school, it doesn't mean they get $100K+ to "spend however they want". That money is allocated for school. They are not getting it to get a sports car or something else. And IMO, that is fair. It's not "$X for each kid" it's paying for their education.

One kid cost us $40K/year for college, done in 4 years. The next kid is costing us $90K/year for college and with this economy and job outlook, may do their MS in their field (Engineering) if they cannot find a decent job. We will pay for that (it's likely to be $85K+). Does that mean kid 1 gets extra $$$? No. If/when they want to attend graduate school, we will assist them. We have paid for each kid's educational needs along the way. Kid 1 required lots of intensive tutoring/therapies from ES-HS, some years spending $15K+. It's what they needed and we provided it. Doesn't mean the other kid gets something in return