Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:52     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:The time to say no was when she called offering to bring something for dinner.


This. You have to assume come over to drop of x is her way of saying, "I want to come over for 3 hours." So if that is too much politely decline. It's not worth the free food. She is being manipulative. You don't need to call her out at this point, just say "Thanks for the offer, but no need."
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:40     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
If a relative offered to bring dinner for my family I would invite them to join us (unless I just gave birth or something). Seems rude not to. If I wasn't up for company I'd say thanks so much for the offer, but tonight doesn't work for us.

The inviting herself on your vacations and letting herself into your house is not cool (DH should handle) but the dinner thing doesn't seem like a big deal.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:23     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Set her up with a grandfather


This is the only real answer.... she needs a guy. He will keep her busy and off your back... anything else is elderly cruelty.


If she is adverse to dating... you need to find group of women she can do things with.... introduce her to church groups with women her age or activity based groups that you go with her once or twice since she seems fearful of taking new steps alone.


Hey, illiterates...she's married.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:21     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.


I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.


I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:20     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:Text daily and invite her more.


Yes, you should probably invite her to move in with you. In fact, why not get a California King? She can sleep in the middle.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:17     Subject: Re:MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.


I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.


OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.


You seem like a nice person and I really believe that this person is overstepping. Something you said struck me -- that she could literally spend every day with you all and still not be satisfied.

If you find yourself feeling like a person is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no matter how much you pour in, it will never be enough -- this is a person with borderline personality disorder. These people have a fear of abandonment and a desperate need to stay connected.

They don't change, but they do respond to very strict boundaries. Don't ever assume -- you have to be clear with her and push back when you don't want her around. Otherwise she will literally be there all the time and it still won't be enough to satisfy her need.

The people responding that you should be kinder probably don't have someone like this in their life. They have no clue how stressful and disturbing it is.

Read up on Borderline and see if it resonates.


LOL this actually made me laugh. "no matter how much you pour in it, it will never be enough" -- do you feel that way with your own kids? Like, OK, I spent time with them yesterday so why do I need to see them again today? No.

THe people responding that she should be kinder probably DO have people like this. They're called family members and there is literally nothing wrong with family members needing each other. Some people even like being part of an extended family. Imagine that.


First, you're responsible for the care of your minor children. OP is not responsible for the care of her fully adult, married MIL.
Secondly, MIL is only kinda family. If OP's husband divorced her, MIL would almost certainly not be coming by all the time to see how she's doing.
Thirdly, some people don't enjoy being part of an extended family, and that's okay.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:14     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.


Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply.



No, you show deference and respect to elders. Bullshit with this idea she has to “earn” OP’s respect. Wow. Were you raised wrong?


PP you replied to. I was raised in very traditional family structures on both my mother and father's side where some elders abused their children. I learned from personal experience, and witnessing other relatives' experiences, that respect is earned.

Showing deference to elders stops when said elder pushes boundaries. I defer to my lovely MIL, FIL and to my father, who all know exactly where they stand. I do not defer to my mother, whose untreated anxiety makes her verbally abusive and hypercontrolling. She was abused herself as a child by members of her family.

Check yourself, PP.


Clearly you weren’t raised right like PP said.


Oh, please. Deference to one's elders doesn't include rimming one's MIL.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 13:01     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
OP just wants to know how to blow off her rich MIL while still getting the inheritance. Another money grabber.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 12:50     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.


I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 12:44     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:“. She views OP as basically a delivery mechanism or access point for the people she really cares about: her own son and grandchild. ”

Don’t we all view ILs this way? Some of us are decent enough to pretend that we don’t, and to show some interest, but let’s be honest?


Yes. For sure. And honestly I view them the same way: people who made DH so I indulge their visits and foster their relationships with grandchildren. And I like them fine, but they aren’t as important to me as my family.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 12:01     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:Why does she have a key to your house and why are you scheduling long vacays with her? She is annoying, but you are giving mixed signals.



OP mentioned she's wealthy. So probably for the free vacays and babysitting.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 08:41     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Anonymous wrote:Set her up with a grandfather


This is the only real answer.... she needs a guy. He will keep her busy and off your back... anything else is elderly cruelty.


If she is adverse to dating... you need to find group of women she can do things with.... introduce her to church groups with women her age or activity based groups that you go with her once or twice since she seems fearful of taking new steps alone.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 08:40     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Why does she have a key to your house and why are you scheduling long vacays with her? She is annoying, but you are giving mixed signals.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 08:37     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
People have to be willing to be adults. Including Op. OP, has not been willing to be an adult about this. You courteously end the visit.

It is actually much more cruel to have resentment rather than be adult about this, and actively manage the situation
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2025 04:30     Subject: MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
Please tell us how Grandma went on a NINE day vacation with you?? Did she leave her husband at home? The MIL is not noticing social cues. When you drop something off at someone’s home, you don’t stay for hours and assume you will be having dinner. Not normal and the OP has been more than kind. I agree with the continuing of chores when she shows up. Perhaps a ring doorbell could assist with the unexpected arrivals.