Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem confused about what matters.

So, your husband has betrayed you and continues to lie about who he issleeping with, where he goes, etc.

I Suggest therapy to figure out why you are still attracted to him.

Think about What kind of relationship your children are seeing.

See a lawyer also, to understand your rights and options.

The woman/coworker is not the problem. The life partner you chose, who vowed to love you and honor you for life is the problem. Work on yourself and your marriage.

He invited her in, and only he can send her away.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

DP.

To the bolded: please leave your children out of this. You went into a marriage contract knowing that a very significant number of men cheat. The only thing leaving does is show your children how naive you were to enter into such a contract if cheating was a deal breaker. If cheating was a deal breaker, the chances of this contract going south were always high.

Don't gaslight them. They will not be happy they gave up their stability so you can show them what a good "relationship" is. Ironically, you'd end up dating someone else's father who is just as scummy as theirs and is single because he cheated on his ex-wife.

If you want to leave, go ahead. Just cut the BS about leaving to model some delusional reality for your kids.

Women are cheating more than men nowadays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

Coldplay suggests otherwise…

She was his subordinate.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes its just proximity syndrome not a proper affair and once wife finds out and there is a possibility of loss of family and a social backlash, men realize this isn't a possibility for them.

This.

Sometimes its just proximity syndrome not a proper affair and once wife finds out and there is a possibility of loss of family and a social backlash, men realize this isn't a possibility for them.

Your husband is a total dud. I see this all the time—you will waste 2 years trying to repair a marriage that he’s ruined. Then he will cheat again. Save those 2 years and avoid that kind of pain. Let AP have him and get out now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem confused about what matters.

So, your husband has betrayed you and continues to lie about who he issleeping with, where he goes, etc.

I Suggest therapy to figure out why you are still attracted to him.

Think about What kind of relationship your children are seeing.

See a lawyer also, to understand your rights and options.

The woman/coworker is not the problem. The life partner you chose, who vowed to love you and honor you for life is the problem. Work on yourself and your marriage.

He invited her in, and only he can send her away.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

DP.

To the bolded: please leave your children out of this. You went into a marriage contract knowing that a very significant number of men cheat. The only thing leaving does is show your children how naive you were to enter into such a contract if cheating was a deal breaker. If cheating was a deal breaker, the chances of this contract going south were always high.

Don't gaslight them. They will not be happy they gave up their stability so you can show them what a good "relationship" is. Ironically, you'd end up dating someone else's father who is just as scummy as theirs and is single because he cheated on his ex-wife.

If you want to leave, go ahead. Just cut the BS about leaving to model some delusional reality for your kids.

So what you're saying is that women are to blame if they expect men to mean their marriage vows or be honest. That is just really sad. It's OK to expect other people to have integrity, whether they have male bits or not. And if they don't, they lose things - access to us, time with their kids, their freedom (if their infraction was illegal), etc. Actions have consequences. They don't get a pass because by some deluded logic we were supposed to predict that they would act poorly.

Leaving shows your children that they have options; they don't have to stick around when someone lies to and disrespects them. These lessons apply to all human interaction, not just gendered stuff and cheating. If someone steals from you, you press charges. If someone hits you, you call the police. If someone cheats on you, you kick their butt to the curb. It's not about the "relationship," it's about the self. We stand up to bullies.

We stand up to "bullies" and go on to date other women's "bullies" while dragging your children between houses to teach them strength, right?
I would probably divorce too. Leaving is selfish, and it's okay to be selfish sometimes. But to spin it as if leaving benefits the children is BS.

As far as your children are concerned, you entered into the marriage to build a family, and to give them a greater chance at a stable environment, not just to have monogamous sex. Sex is only one of many aspects of marriage. If the children are happy and thriving, it makes sense to heavily weigh that aspect instead of being narrowly focused on the cheating.

Ofcourse the children would rather have a healthy divorced mom than a depressed mom who cannot stand to breathe the same air as their dad. But all things being equal, kids will be happier staying in their home and not getting moved from one place to another. So if OP can forgive her DH without being depressed about it, more power to her.

Get your ducks in a row and leave. If he cheats once, he will cheat again. Skip the dramatics, neither of them cares.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem confused about what matters.

So, your husband has betrayed you and continues to lie about who he issleeping with, where he goes, etc.

I Suggest therapy to figure out why you are still attracted to him.

Think about What kind of relationship your children are seeing.

See a lawyer also, to understand your rights and options.

The woman/coworker is not the problem. The life partner you chose, who vowed to love you and honor you for life is the problem. Work on yourself and your marriage.

He invited her in, and only he can send her away.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

DP.

To the bolded: please leave your children out of this. You went into a marriage contract knowing that a very significant number of men cheat. The only thing leaving does is show your children how naive you were to enter into such a contract if cheating was a deal breaker. If cheating was a deal breaker, the chances of this contract going south were always high.

Don't gaslight them. They will not be happy they gave up their stability so you can show them what a good "relationship" is. Ironically, you'd end up dating someone else's father who is just as scummy as theirs and is single because he cheated on his ex-wife.

If you want to leave, go ahead. Just cut the BS about leaving to model some delusional reality for your kids.

So what you're saying is that women are to blame if they expect men to mean their marriage vows or be honest. That is just really sad. It's OK to expect other people to have integrity, whether they have male bits or not. And if they don't, they lose things - access to us, time with their kids, their freedom (if their infraction was illegal), etc. Actions have consequences. They don't get a pass because by some deluded logic we were supposed to predict that they would act poorly.

Leaving shows your children that they have options; they don't have to stick around when someone lies to and disrespects them. These lessons apply to all human interaction, not just gendered stuff and cheating. If someone steals from you, you press charges. If someone hits you, you call the police. If someone cheats on you, you kick their butt to the curb. It's not about the "relationship," it's about the self. We stand up to bullies.

Anonymous wrote:You seem confused about what matters.

So, your husband has betrayed you and continues to lie about who he issleeping with, where he goes, etc.

I Suggest therapy to figure out why you are still attracted to him.

Think about What kind of relationship your children are seeing.

See a lawyer also, to understand your rights and options.

The woman/coworker is not the problem. The life partner you chose, who vowed to love you and honor you for life is the problem. Work on yourself and your marriage.

He invited her in, and only he can send her away.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

DP.

To the bolded: please leave your children out of this. You went into a marriage contract knowing that a very significant number of men cheat. The only thing leaving does is show your children how naive you were to enter into such a contract if cheating was a deal breaker. If cheating was a deal breaker, the chances of this contract going south were always high.

Don't gaslight them. They will not be happy they gave up their stability so you can show them what a good "relationship" is. Ironically, you'd end up dating someone else's father who is just as scummy as theirs and is single because he cheated on his ex-wife.

If you want to leave, go ahead. Just cut the BS about leaving to model some delusional reality for your kids.

You seem confused about what matters.

So, your husband has betrayed you and continues to lie about who he issleeping with, where he goes, etc.

I Suggest therapy to figure out why you are still attracted to him.

Think about What kind of relationship your children are seeing.

See a lawyer also, to understand your rights and options.

The woman/coworker is not the problem. The life partner you chose, who vowed to love you and honor you for life is the problem. Work on yourself and your marriage.

He invited her in, and only he can send her away.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

It always amazes me how women give men change after chance when they are embarrassed this way. Any man who cheats on you doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you. If my DW ever gets an AP she is gone..I don't care about long history together and all that crap. If she lets another dude's dick in her while we are married, she is no longer entitled to mine.

Some of you ladies really need to have more self respect.

FWIW, I think most women who stay believe they are prioritizing their kids over themselves. It's not really about self-esteem. It's about maintaining sufficient custody and a safe environment for your kids.

I found out my now ex was cheating when I was 6 months pregnant with #2. I was also in my last year of grad school about to embark on a lucrative career, and I simply didn't have the bandwidth to kick him out the moment that I knew (which I would have absolutely done if kids were not involved). I spent 2 years encouraging him to go to AA and seek psychiatric treatment and therapy. Then I kicked him out. #2 didn't need to be breastfeed anymore. I had 2 years to gather extensive hard evidence of his cheating. ExDH had established himself as absolutely not the primary caretaker, and he was happy to move out and leave full custody to me.

So, again, it's not about self-esteem. It's about having the economic power to get out, and the social/legal structure to maintain appropriate care of the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I've inadvertently been the receiver of this sort of phone call while the current woman was listening on speaker phone. Please don't ever do this. All that happens is that he does the fake call for your benefit, then at the first chance, he tries to hop back into bed with the "other" woman. She probably already knows he's cheating on someone with her. She knows that he's going through the motions with the phone call to appease the wife, and that he doesn't mean a word of it. And if you're going to stay together, how in hell is making him move to the guest room going to repair things? Who wants to give up an active and enjoyable sex life for a celibate life in the dog house???

"I presented divorce papers and said move out today or call AP on speaker phone and end it.

He stayed… he turned on location services, he went to therapy and moved to the guest room.

2 years later I served him divorce papers but the AP was kicked to the curb and thrown under the bus."

Inadvertently?