Anonymous wrote:Teaching kids to hide things from you isn’t OK. Whether the thing they are hiding is OK or not, telling kids to keep secrets from parents sets them up to be groomed and abused.

So, while I think your husband is overreacting and setting your kids up for eating problems, that isn’t the big problem here.

I think you and he and your parents need to sit and talk about this, and figure out some kind of compromise where you are all on the same page.

I am also curious because you say they can have treats at special occasions. I wonder if part of the problem is that you and grandparents are seeing visiting grandparents as a special occasion and dad is seeing it as an every day thing. I am fine with my kids eating almost everything out of the house, but when my kids were going to a grandparent out of the house for every day childcare, then it sort of became like eating inside the house — I wanted vegetables and milk etc . . . Same thing on school lunches. I sent something that more or less matched what we ate at home. How often are they eating with grandparents?

Not OP. When you see the grandparents 5x/week, it IS an every day thing.

Anonymous wrote:My DH is an almond dad too. And he cooks for all of us. I am a SAHM and I am a lousy housewife as far as cooking is concerned.

I am very grateful to him and my kids have grown up choosing to eat very healthy.

He is also a very chilled and relaxed person.

This is key. Your husband shouldn't be flipping out in front of the kids. Pretend it's all ok at the time, joke about having to go workout at the gym or something to work off the sugar and counter-act the bad food when it's excessive; be an example in that regard, too - ate too much "junk" or had too many treats while we were on vacation or at the office party....I need to watch what I'm eating today and I'm taking an extra walk tonight after dinner. That sort of thing. And deal with the grandparents behind-the-scenes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- He's not controlling about a single other thing in our lives, just the quality of the food. Like I said, he doesn't even care about fats as long as they're "good fats." He's often had trouble gaining weight, so he emphasizes nuts a lot and it annoys him that our kids can't have nuts in school.

We see my parents at least 5x a week. I don't approve of junk food at all, but I'm so sick of fighting everyone. My parents will give my kids opaque cups with straws in front of us and pretend it's water when it's really Sprite or root beer. I'm not ready to cut my parents off, but I would definitely choose dh over them. His parents do the same though and we see them every other week. I think it makes dh feel like he can't "treat" our kids because they've already had their fill of junk and desserts everywhere else. And so he has to be the healthy one since no one else gave them a fruit or vegetable.

Your parents are really inappropriate. I would tell them flat out "Sneaking the kids food we don't want them to have is not okay. The next time you do this, we're going to leave/ask you to leave, even though it's going to break my heart. This is really important to us - it's not a game, and we don't have to justify our reasons to you. You got to feed your kids the way you wanted, and we get to feed our kids the way we want. Please respect that." And then .... follow through. Get up and walk out and don't respond to texts, calls, etc. for a week. They will throw a fit, and then stop the behavior if they want to see the kids again.

This is the best advice. If it were 5x/month it might be extreme advice but if they are seeing the kids 5x/week and pulling this it’s not okay.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP here- He's not controlling about a single other thing in our lives, just the quality of the food. Like I said, he doesn't even care about fats as long as they're "good fats." He's often had trouble gaining weight, so he emphasizes nuts a lot and it annoys him that our kids can't have nuts in school.

We see my parents at least 5x a week. I don't approve of junk food at all, but I'm so sick of fighting everyone. My parents will give my kids opaque cups with straws in front of us and pretend it's water when it's really Sprite or root beer. I'm not ready to cut my parents off, but I would definitely choose dh over them. His parents do the same though and we see them every other week. I think it makes dh feel like he can't "treat" our kids because they've already had their fill of junk and desserts everywhere else. And so he has to be the healthy one since no one else gave them a fruit or vegetable.

I can completely understand this! That makes a lot of sense - whether it actually applies to your husband, I don't know. Maybe he does feel he can't "treat" them more because they get "treats" too frequently elsewhere. But that's still part of his overall focus and priority on a healthy diet.

I think you need to cut back on the # of times you see your parents each week - or at least how often you see them where they would be able to serve them soda. If they bring candy to your house, you can absolutely tell your kids they must save it for after dinner or half now/half tomorrow or something. If your parents can't catch on, they simply must see your kids less and/or not be able to feed them.

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s not actually about the food. It’s about control.

+1
Sounds to me it's more about the food for DH; but more about control for the grandparents.
Some compromise needs to be made - and compromise requires concessions from both sides. Make an agreement with the grandparents: for example, no soda and fast food no more than once a week or whatever. If they can't abide by that, they don't get responsibility for/to see the kids more than once a week. Meanwhile, almond dad agrees to lighten up and remind himself daily that the great majority of your kids' food consumption is pretty healthy and worthy of his approval. Also, you and he together non-chalantly on a daily basis reinforce healthy habits by what you eat, what you serve, reminding your kids of an acceptable balance of "good" v "bad" foods (80%, 20% - or whatever you decide), etc.

Your husband also has to accept that no matter what he and you do as parents, your kids are going to be away from you outside the house more and more as they get older and will be making their own choices. His dictatorial rigid approach will absolutely backfire. It's good that you and he are accepting of the occasional exceptions to the rules. Your parents need to meet you at least halfway.

OP just be glad that your DH cares about this stuff. Mine doesn’t cook at all and likes to go out. Any healthy eating is on me and it’s a huge burden.
But I agree that your DH should lighten up a little when you’re not eating at home.

Anonymous wrote:we all had kids we grew up with that came over just for the snacks that they weren’t allowed to have at home. And then they go to college. 2/3 kids I knew growing up like this are significantly overweight now. Making anything forbidden usually backfires. It’s the same thing with ipad/video game/technology free households. Those kids go over a friends house and just binge when the host kid just actually wants to physically play outside.

2/3 is beating the odds really, 75% are overweight!

There is no way to guarantee healthy weight. I was always thin until my thyroid quit working and it was so weird! I didn’t change anything but I was overweight. Meds have me back to my thin self.

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s not actually about the food. It’s about control.

+1. My DH is sort of like your husband. Luckily both sets of grandparents live far away from us, so when we see them, we are usually visiting. I told him that when we are in their houses, we have to follow their rules, not ours. If their rules include dessert every night, then it's dessert every night. We can teach our kids that dessert every night isn't the best choice, but our kids also need to learn that some grandparents want to show their love to their grandchildren by giving them fun desserts/candy. We're there for a relatively short time that it doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things. Kids aren't going to become obese in this way. They *will* have problems if food becomes a control issue, as it seems it has in your house.

Because he cares. You all should feel very fortunate to have him. Stop trying to undermine him. Support his commitment to their health, you won’t regret it, and it’s a lasting gift for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is not unreasonable to want change. PP misrepresents what grandparents are doing and how often. Big difference between junk food all the time and once or twice a month...

I have older kids and the cultural around junk food is HUGE. It’s daily from school - at a minimum (school breakfast). Then add in school parties, teacher rewards, kids sending in birthday treats, parents sending in treats for sports practice or games, weekend get togethers, parties or day trips usually involve desserts and such. Now add in grandparents frequently buying treats and soda at restaurants. That is a LOT of junk and that’s without a parent even keeping it at home. Literally no kid is deprived of junk food these days, regardless of what parents don’t buy

Older than what? Mine are in their 20s, and despite a youthful love of Froot Loops (which I did not buy for them, but did let them eat if the opportunity presented itself), they are now all healthy eaters. Not because I nagged them, but because they figured it out.

Then maybe you shouldn’t comment bc you don’t have school age kids anymore. The junk food bombardment is extremely pervasive now-including in schools, where they do in fact, provide Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, and chocolate muffins daily, on top or a myriad of other junk. And that’s just at school.

My kids have never attended a school where this occurs. I don’t think it is a universal problem…maybe DC schools need RFK Jr. more than they know

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is not unreasonable to want change. PP misrepresents what grandparents are doing and how often. Big difference between junk food all the time and once or twice a month...

I have older kids and the cultural around junk food is HUGE. It’s daily from school - at a minimum (school breakfast). Then add in school parties, teacher rewards, kids sending in birthday treats, parents sending in treats for sports practice or games, weekend get togethers, parties or day trips usually involve desserts and such. Now add in grandparents frequently buying treats and soda at restaurants. That is a LOT of junk and that’s without a parent even keeping it at home. Literally no kid is deprived of junk food these days, regardless of what parents don’t buy

Older than what? Mine are in their 20s, and despite a youthful love of Froot Loops (which I did not buy for them, but did let them eat if the opportunity presented itself), they are now all healthy eaters. Not because I nagged them, but because they figured it out.

Then maybe you shouldn’t comment bc you don’t have school age kids anymore. The junk food bombardment is extremely pervasive now-including in schools, where they do in fact, provide Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, and chocolate muffins daily, on top or a myriad of other junk. And that’s just at school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is not unreasonable to want change. PP misrepresents what grandparents are doing and how often. Big difference between junk food all the time and once or twice a month...

I have older kids and the cultural around junk food is HUGE. It’s daily from school - at a minimum (school breakfast). Then add in school parties, teacher rewards, kids sending in birthday treats, parents sending in treats for sports practice or games, weekend get togethers, parties or day trips usually involve desserts and such. Now add in grandparents frequently buying treats and soda at restaurants. That is a LOT of junk and that’s without a parent even keeping it at home. Literally no kid is deprived of junk food these days, regardless of what parents don’t buy

Older than what? Mine are in their 20s, and despite a youthful love of Froot Loops (which I did not buy for them, but did let them eat if the opportunity presented itself), they are now all healthy eaters. Not because I nagged them, but because they figured it out.

Anonymous wrote:DH is not unreasonable to want change. PP misrepresents what grandparents are doing and how often. Big difference between junk food all the time and once or twice a month...

I have older kids and the cultural around junk food is HUGE. It’s daily from school - at a minimum (school breakfast). Then add in school parties, teacher rewards, kids sending in birthday treats, parents sending in treats for sports practice or games, weekend get togethers, parties or day trips usually involve desserts and such. Now add in grandparents frequently buying treats and soda at restaurants. That is a LOT of junk and that’s without a parent even keeping it at home. Literally no kid is deprived of junk food these days, regardless of what parents don’t buy

DH is not unreasonable to want change. PP misrepresents what grandparents are doing and how often. Big difference between junk food all the time and once or twice a month...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s not actually about the food. It’s about control.

Disagree. It is about the food. There is so much garbage food being bombarded at kids from all directions- including school. It’s insane and makes normal parents wanting their kids to eat reasonable homemade foods seem insane. And it is never “just this once.” In our current society, kids are given garbage processed foods daily by everyone around them them- even if their parents dont

No one on this thread is against healthy food.

Everyone with healthy eating hsbits is saying it is not normal or healthy to flip out and "go berserk" over food, making the family walk on eggshells at every meal, and cutting out the grandparents over ice cream.