Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

You could be describing my marriage a decade ago. He'd yell, name call, use intimidation, make me wonder if he would hit me. I really wasnt sure what to do. I worried that my kids would grow up in a violent household, like the one I grew up in til my dad split.

But I was determined to give my kids a better life. I stuck it out and kept reasserting my boundaries. Eventually he stopped calling me names or flipping me off. He never makes movements that make me brace for impact. He still does use intimidation sometimes, mostly to silence me. But for the most part, it's peaceful. Maybe once a year, he acts like a jerk. The rest of the time, he's great.

I am offering this because people always say that men like this dont change. But my experience was different. The way things changed was that I went to a counselor through my employer EAP. I did 6 sessions focused on communicating boundaries. The therapist told me it wouldn't work and I was in danger. But I said, okay, let's pretend it will work and approach it like that. She taught me things like to tell him during a calm time that I wasnt okay with being screamed at, and the next time he screamed, I would not talk to him for 12 hours. I thought he'd scream at me just for telling him this, but he didn't. It worked. He'd call and scream and I'd remind him that if he screamed, we needed 12 hours incommunicado to cool off. This really seemed to break whatever cycle we were in.

I came here to DCUM right before all that. I don't really know what a normal relationship is like. So I asked people how often is normal for a man to scream at his wife, call names, punch walls, throw things etc. And every person said it's not normal. I felt appreciative for that insight. But I also felt like I was alone on an island, speaking a language no one could understand. OP, you're not alone. Your dream of a family and happy marriage is important and you deserve it. It is still possible, even with the circumstances you currently face. He can be better, it is possible for people to change. But prioritize changing this dynamic NOW.

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

You could be describing my marriage a decade ago. He'd yell, name call, use intimidation, make me wonder if he would hit me. I really wasnt sure what to do. I worried that my kids would grow up in a violent household, like the one I grew up in til my dad split.

But I was determined to give my kids a better life. I stuck it out and kept reasserting my boundaries. Eventually he stopped calling me names or flipping me off. He never makes movements that make me brace for impact. He still does use intimidation sometimes, mostly to silence me. But for the most part, it's peaceful. Maybe once a year, he acts like a jerk. The rest of the time, he's great.

I am offering this because people always say that men like this dont change. But my experience was different. The way things changed was that I went to a counselor through my employer EAP. I did 6 sessions focused on communicating boundaries. The therapist told me it wouldn't work and I was in danger. But I said, okay, let's pretend it will work and approach it like that. She taught me things like to tell him during a calm time that I wasnt okay with being screamed at, and the next time he screamed, I would not talk to him for 12 hours. I thought he'd scream at me just for telling him this, but he didn't. It worked. He'd call and scream and I'd remind him that if he screamed, we needed 12 hours incommunicado to cool off. This really seemed to break whatever cycle we were in.

I came here to DCUM right before all that. I don't really know what a normal relationship is like. So I asked people how often is normal for a man to scream at his wife, call names, punch walls, throw things etc. And every person said it's not normal. I felt appreciative for that insight. But I also felt like I was alone on an island, speaking a language no one could understand. OP, you're not alone. Your dream of a family and happy marriage is important and you deserve it. It is still possible, even with the circumstances you currently face. He can be better, it is possible for people to change. But prioritize changing this dynamic NOW.

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.