Anonymous wrote:That poor baby. Can you re-home him to a proper family?

I love you.

I just posted above but 5 weeks is also too soon to make a decision. Many men go about their lives as if a baby was never born. I have seen it many times. However, this early is too soon to throw in the towel. Many moms are basically single moms while married. It does suck but divorce trades some problems for others. I am divorced. Not better but different. Did not want kids because I knew this could happen…and it did. It surprises me people don’t realize men are not usually equal partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Expecting him to do all this while working full time isn’t reasonable.
Stop cooking and expecting full meals for a bit. House stuff takes a back burner for a bit. Your baby is five weeks. You won’t get this time back. Sit down together and enjoy that baby. Outsource anything that you can. Ordering groceries or doing pick up is what you should be doing - there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t see it as a failure. It’s being efficient.
Your hormones are nuts right now but never threaten divorce unless you mean it.

So the man gets to come home and do nothing? what will happen when OP returns to work?

My ex husband was like this. I only took 6 weeks of leave. He did zero until we divorced 10 years later. Literally came home and did nothing. Now wants father of the year with 50/50 custody on paper.

That poor baby. Can you re-home him to a proper family?

It doesn't matter how old you are, neither of you seems to be mature enough for marriage or parenting.

The first year is hard.

You want him on his days home to take the baby so you can have a break. He probably feels like he needs a break after work dinners and travel. My DH travels a lot and works late and it is really draining. I didn't understand that when our child was a baby, but I do now that I also have those responsibilities and stress.

You need to outsource help. Hire a PT nanny so you can have a break or ask a family member or friend to help out. When he is away hire that nanny so you can take a long nap in case you're up at night. Ask for recommendations from the pediatrician or friends. Hire a cleaner. Ask them to also do laundry. Ask a friend to come over and see if they would do and fold some laundry/bring over a meal/whatever.

Plan meals on weekends with your husband. Cook them and freeze them and eat them in the week. Or order premade ones you can cook on your own. I cut up fruit and veggies on Sunday and save them in the fridge for the week for easy snacking.

You each get 2 hours out of the house Saturday and Sunday while the other watches the baby. Leave the house. Go to the gym/ a walk/ nap/ whatever. Then the other person gets a turn. Then maybe each do it for 1 hour but while the person is watching the baby the other is doing the meal prep for the week, then switch.

Set up night shifts and start pumping or also use formula. I didn't produce enough milk so I had to supplement with formula.

Look into mommy and me classes, post baby yoga classes, etc and attend them to get to know people. The weather is nice get that baby in a stroller and go for a walk.

Order in groceries. Order pre cooked chicken, etc and have that for some meals. Whole Foods and other stores have it and I do that 1x a week all you need to do is heat it up.

Don't threaten divorce.

Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face. Your poor husband will actually think having kids is what ruined his life, but in reality it was marrying a selfish, entitled little girl.

I ruined my life with a similar misstep. Best of luck to your 5 week old who deserves better than the life you are creating.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you guys fall for the bait week after weel. OP posts the same " 5 week Drama" every freaking week

No. I haven’t seen this one in months. I do see a new post every week about women hating their husbands or wanting to have an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

Work is nothing like taking care of a newborn while breastfeeding. Especially if you have a fussy one. Its isolating. You are supposed to be healing and recovering. There are nutritional deficits, sleep deprivation, increased caloric needs to sustain breastfeeding, your body has just undergone either major surgery or pushing a watermelon through a straw. You may not have control of your bowels or bladder completely.

Shes already said she has no outside help besides her husband. He is essentially abandoning her- phyiscally and emotionally. It sounds like she feels betrayed but is trying to approach it logically because guess what, they already talked about all this and he isnt doing what he said he would do.

Pump or give formula so dad can help or stop complaining.

Dad won’t help. Op said he refuses to help in at all during the week and even during the night on the weekends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

You have got to be kidding me. He does nothing but laundry and spends nearly no time with his tiny child and she’s supposed to be grateful? I swear the bar for men is in hell.

Also to who ever posted the BS that he has to be going all out at work whatever either is or has been totally played by someone who really didn’t want to deal with a crying newborn. You can limit client dinners to once a week when you have a newborn. You really can. No one gets fired for that, and men love to talk about getting ahead at work especially when the alternative is something they don’t want to do, like take care of their own child or clean up their own mess at home. Did he/is he taking any paternity leave at all?

All that said I overall agree it’s not a good idea to threaten divorce. I don’t think it’s the end of the world that you did but it’s not something to throw around. I would continue to express yourself clearly and be really clear on how much you are struggling and your hopes that he develops a strong connection to your child.

I suspect the reason for your careful agreements before the baby was born was that you were very afraid of this exact situation, which is pretty reasonable when your partner travels and works this much. I’m sorry it’s going so badly. I would not try to hold him to the specifics of exactly what you agreed upon, but rather now that you both have a better sense of what this is going to look like come to some agreement that acknowledges your new reality.

If he doesn’t care at all when you are struggling and continues to not be interested in his child there’s nothing you can do to fix that. I’d give it to a year before making any big decisions at least though. There’s at least some chance he’ll snap out of it though it’s incredibly hard to forget these days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

Work is nothing like taking care of a newborn while breastfeeding. Especially if you have a fussy one. Its isolating. You are supposed to be healing and recovering. There are nutritional deficits, sleep deprivation, increased caloric needs to sustain breastfeeding, your body has just undergone either major surgery or pushing a watermelon through a straw. You may not have control of your bowels or bladder completely.

Shes already said she has no outside help besides her husband. He is essentially abandoning her- phyiscally and emotionally. It sounds like she feels betrayed but is trying to approach it logically because guess what, they already talked about all this and he isnt doing what he said he would do.

Pump or give formula so dad can help or stop complaining.

Look, OP this could all be temporary. People react very differently to a newborn. And I have learned there is some fundamental disconnect between mothers and fathers those first few months.
- breastfeeding is extremely isolating and lonely and pretty tortuous. The first few weeks, the baby only needs mommy. You are feeling it is all on you because it really is.

- on the other hand, husband don't really understand the toll of taking care of newborn takes. They are not really needed, so they never are forced to experience the toll. Your husband probably thinks you are home all day, you should be able to find time to get some housework/cooking done. They think you can nap while baby naps etc. or carry baby and get work done. And some women can do this, but most really struggle.

So that is the fundamental disconnect. You could pump a lot of milk, and just leave for a weekend. That would give him a taste of life with a newborn.

You could wait it out. Life will get easier by 6 months. A LOT easier, esp if you have daycare. And he might do better with the baby/toddler phase vs the newborn phase, which is, as I said, very mother-centric.

Imo this is too early to conclude that your hand is betraying you and considering divorce. You didn't get what you expected from the newborn experience, but honestly, very few people do. Some babe horribly colicky babies, some have babies with serious issues or NICU stays, some have husbands who didn't meet expectations. It is all normal tbh. Just give it time.

Why do you guys fall for the bait week after weel. OP posts the same " 5 week Drama" every freaking week

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

Work is nothing like taking care of a newborn while breastfeeding. Especially if you have a fussy one. Its isolating. You are supposed to be healing and recovering. There are nutritional deficits, sleep deprivation, increased caloric needs to sustain breastfeeding, your body has just undergone either major surgery or pushing a watermelon through a straw. You may not have control of your bowels or bladder completely.

Shes already said she has no outside help besides her husband. He is essentially abandoning her- phyiscally and emotionally. It sounds like she feels betrayed but is trying to approach it logically because guess what, they already talked about all this and he isnt doing what he said he would do.

OP I think if you can afford it, you need six continuous waking hours to yourself every week.

On the weekends, you have to LEAVE. There’s no other way. Even if you go sit in your car. Pump bottles or start to combo feed.

You have to leave. That’s the only thing that’s going to work. Leave the baby with him and come back six hours later.