When I was engaged, my husband made a lot more money and was further ahead in his career. But times quickly changed and I have been the primary breadwinner (and sometimes only) for the vast majority of the last 25 years. It has definitely affected my views - I believe both members of the couple need to keep the employment, household, and kid-rearing skills in best shape because contribution can change over time.

I suppose, like others, I would be bothered that your BF didn’t even engage in the thought exercise with you on how you could make this opportunity work. Maybe you’ll decide it’s not worth it. But life is long and he needs to show at least a little mental flexibility in the easiest part of a relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

Same here. In the end, I left an awesome job with stellar upward potential to stay home for 8 years when the kids were little. I eventually was able to hop back in to my career but of course the break disrupted my ascendancy. It was my choice, however, and this guy would have compromised to meet me where I really, really wanted something else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

Anonymous wrote:What happens with your career if you get married? Have you thought about other ways to advance that would accommodate your current BF?
Life is about choices and often nothing is a clear winner. I remember advising a friend of mine who could not decide whether or not to marry her BF that waiting around for the perfect time with the perfect guy was not going to happen. Could she accept his faults and still be mostly happy? Yes she did marry him and is happy. 20 plus years later.
Are you going to be a 40 year old woman upset about not being married with children because you made the choice when you were 30 not to get married and have children?
I’m NOT telling you to get married. Just think about the long term consequences of your decisions and actions and own the results.

Or she could be the 40 year old woman happily married to someone else with children.

Or she could be married to this guy wishing sh wasn't.

He doesn't want to marry.
If he was as serious about the marriage and family thing he would have done it by now.

He's looking for a way out of your relationship and a way to blame you.


You should take more how his response was not one of excitement for you or finding a way to work together for it to work. He essentially shit the bed and left you to clean up.

Know that even if you decide to stay this will be the nature of your relationship going forward.

And I know anecdotes aren't everything but I have seen this scenario play out several times including my own. I have scene a friend turn down and offer for a guy only for them never to get married or end up miserably married because the guy was always shitting the bed and never willing to compromise or put her first. I have had a friend decide to go for the job and the guy break up with her and my friend was so worried she'd never find someone else like him only to meet her DH in the new location and he is so much better than her ex. And then my own DH and I we were long distance for 2 years much further than 3
5 hr plane ride and when I told him about the offer his response was to start googling the most direct flights wouldn't even let me say I'd turn it down because it was a dream for me.

I had a situation where I loved a boyfriend very much and he wanted me to move across the country but wouldn’t get engaged first. I would’ve had to move first and hope it worked out. I did have a job but ended up leaving it and staying and we broke up.

I was distraught and ended up meeting my exDH and we went on to have kids. The kids are amazing. ExDH was not, and I will have to deal with him forever.

I don’t have an answer for you, except do what makes you happy. The boyfriend sounds dramatic and unsupportive, in my opinion. From being divorced I’ve become very pro women keeping their careers. There are men who will let you have both, though the reality of both plus kids will not be easy. The number one financial decision you make in your life is who you marry, or don’t marry.

He sounds insecure. And I bet if the situation were reversed, he would take the job.

Invest in yourself. Because he won’t.

Marriage isn’t it’s all cracked up to be. Just read this forum. And freeze your eggs.

I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

Your career will always take a back seat with this guy. Will get much worse once you have kids. You will be the one who has to stay home with kids when they are sick, who has to miss biz trip bc your husband can’t pick kids up from school 2 days in a row, etc. Maybe you’re okay with that but it could also be a huge (and growing) source of resentment. Be honest with yourself. Bc I seriously doubt that he will see your turning this down as a sacrifice such that it’s his turn to sacrifice next time. Does not appear that you are equals in his eyes.

OP, the first thing you need to decide whether he’s replaceable. I’ve had the guys want to marry me over the years. What made DH different from the order two was the sense that I’d never find anyone like him ever again. A drive to live with him. A sense of unique connection. We’ve been married over ten years, and I still feel the same way.

The second thing you need to decide is whether career or having kids is more important to you. Some women are lucky enough to have both. Others aren’t. If you can only have one nice thing, what do you want it to be?

You’re about to enter an age where more and more of the good ones get snapped up. Permanently. I met my DH at 32, so it’s still totally possible, but I was very lucky.

You are not worth waiting for. Which is important to know. The man who thinks you are worth waiting for is out there.

Can we talk about what a d your boss is?

What would hurt more, nor taking the job or coming back in two years and seeing him happy and engaged to someone else (knowing you gave that at for a job/someone else?