Anonymous wrote:Best friend from college got engaged and then married to her college sweetheart. I was asked to be the maid of honor. I did it, but with reservations and wouldn't do it again. He cheated on her in college. They've been married for 25 years but he cheats on her all the time and she doesn't seem to care.

NO THANKS!

If she doesn’t care, why do you?

I’m not sure how else one would react besides offering congratulations. I mean do you expect them to shriek with joy???

It really depends on the age. When I was a teen, it was exciting. By college, I didn’t especially enjoy hearing about other people’s romances. You’re a couple that people expected to get engaged/married so not very exciting or surprising. Or they don’t like him or you so also not all that excited for you.

I’m at a point where most people are married or divorcing. Marriage is not that big of a deal.

You’re going to be 30 when you get married.

30 is really pushing it to expect the kind of over the top OMG! reaction from your friends. You can and should still have a gorgeous wedding and invite them to share your day but the time of our lives when it’s a team sport is over by then, because your friends have lives of their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There reaction shouldn't matter to you, over the top excitement won't add anything and lukewarm energy wouldn't take anything away.

That being said, if I didn't like a friend's choice, I would respect it and be happy for them and would be congratulatory and interested.

It seems they aren't as interested in your life or as happy for you as you thought. Jealousy could be a contributing factor. Due to societal conditioning, every woman has a part of her longing to be engaged or married before they turn 30.

EVERY woman? Really? Absolutely EVERY woman?

Yeah, this is just dumb and untrue. People who engage in gender essentialism like this tend not to be critical thinkers.

+1

Not every woman wants to get married in fact, I ended an engagement at 26 because I specifically did not want to get married before 30 if I ever wanted to get married at all. I very reluctantly married at age 32 but I really didn’t want to. Not everyone wants marriage, so that is a bunch of crap to say that every woman wants to engagement and a proposal to be married. No many women have their own dreams that have nothing to do with a man and in fact those dreams are way more important than getting married. Thankfully, I am divorced. I thought the wedding day was the biggest waste of money in my entire life. I didn’t want to have a big wedding either—he did.

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe they’re hoping if they act super low key, you won’t ask them to be bridesmaids.

This was my thought too. They are worried that you're going to ask them to be bridesmaids which is a huge expense at a time when many people are struggling financially. Add to that the fact that OP is giving bridezilla vibes. They probably don't want to take on the expense of a shower and engagement party, and bachelorette. It really adds up and they don't want to be in the hot seat for that stuff.

I am not from this country. Don't those words all mean the same thing? Why have THREE different parties, before the actual party, ie wedding?

No, they are different and bridesmaids are expected to attend all three.

And are often expected to do the planning and pay too.

Thanks for explaining. I am flabbergasted. Surely not every American who has a wedding does this, right?

No, not everyone does. I didn’t do any of it except the wedding. I had zero interest.

Nobody really cares. Your expectations are way too high.

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that's it's super weird that you talked to your brother about this and his reaction or "take" was very strange.

+1. It’s clear that you and your brother grew up in a family with a strong emphasis on traditional gender roles and marriage as an “accomplishment” for women. Many women are deliberately raised by their families to have a wider frame of gender role possibilities. I never dreamt about my wedding or getting married and certainly would have considered, for myself, marriage before age 30 as far too young. I was working a career I loved in various overseas war zone(s) until I was in my mid-30s. So, I would have been the friend that congratulated you but didn’t ask many follow up Qs.

One friend eloped, and one friend has been living with a boyfriend for 9 years - obviously they do not place the same importance in marriage that you do. That’s OK. They expressed happiness for you. That should be enough. I speak as someone who just would not be able to get interested in the minutia of a proposal and wedding planning. Happy for you & would listen but really would have some difficulty holding up my end of a long conversation on the topic.

I purposely act like that to people like OP. I can't stand main character syndrome people and I refuse to play into it. But I wouldn't be friends with her anyways.

Best friend from college got engaged and then married to her college sweetheart. I was asked to be the maid of honor. I did it, but with reservations and wouldn't do it again. He cheated on her in college. They've been married for 25 years but he cheats on her all the time and she doesn't seem to care.

NO THANKS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they’re hoping if they act super low key, you won’t ask them to be bridesmaids.

This was also my thought. At 29, I wasn't eager to be a bridesmaid and pay all those related expenses.

100%. I would congratulate but not gush, I would hit the deck and do anything to avoid being a bridesmaid again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There reaction shouldn't matter to you, over the top excitement won't add anything and lukewarm energy wouldn't take anything away.

That being said, if I didn't like a friend's choice, I would respect it and be happy for them and would be congratulatory and interested.

It seems they aren't as interested in your life or as happy for you as you thought. Jealousy could be a contributing factor. Due to societal conditioning, every woman has a part of her longing to be engaged or married before they turn 30.

EVERY woman? Really? Absolutely EVERY woman?

Yeah, this is just dumb and untrue. People who engage in gender essentialism like this tend not to be critical thinkers.

A woman who eloped with no fanfare and a woman who’s been partnered for 9 years without the need to marry don’t seem like the kind of people who want to hear all about rings and proposals. Not jealous, just not interested.

"every woman has a part of her"

Anonymous wrote:There reaction shouldn't matter to you, over the top excitement won't add anything and lukewarm energy wouldn't take anything away.

That being said, if I didn't like a friend's choice, I would respect it and be happy for them and would be congratulatory and interested.

It seems they aren't as interested in your life or as happy for you as you thought. Jealousy could be a contributing factor. Due to societal conditioning, every woman has a part of her longing to be engaged or married before they turn 30.

EVERY woman? Really? Absolutely EVERY woman?