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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

DP but I don’t understand why everyone is attacking this person but I know people that have friend groups like this. It’s definitely not for everyone but it does exist.

Because it is uncommon enough to be considered weird unless those people have known each other for years. Just being on a sports team and then texting everyone to meet for pizza does not over the course of a year lead to 20 families vacationing together. That is a bizarre cult, not the picture of a typical friendship.

Read the OP. She was asking about how to go about breaking the ice and making some friendships, so she is new to this and may be struggling. Talking about your 20 BFF going on beach trips together several times a year does not apply in this situation.

I reread the OP and they specifically state:

How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?

The poster was answering the question. Also one invite for pizza doesn’t immediately lead to vacationing together but you have to start somewhere. That was a suggestion to get the ball rolling.

I’m currently on vacation with a very social family. We are also social. The entire family is super social and very well liked. They are the center of social circles and I have been on travel with them where people gravitate towards them, change plans for them and want to hang out with them. They can steer people to anywhere they want and everyone else wants to join. If you are lucky enough to have a friend like this, you will have many plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you not have any friends? I wish I had more time and energy for my college and law school friends. The parents of my kids classmates are lovely but I just can’t.

OP here - I moved into the DC area recently from out of town. I have a handful of close friends in this area (high school/college) but I don’t see them a ton, it’s a bit of a commute to see them. My other close friends from school/other phases of life - well, I see them every once in a while but they’re not local.

I will say I’ve made friends from my kids’ daycares and we got along pretty well. So I’m hopeful for elementary school as well. I’d love to just find a small group of people out of the many parents out there that I can really click with!

How about joining some activities where you will see other families regularly? Scouts, community pool, sports teams, etc. Then it's easy to say hey want to meet at the pool Saturday afternoon or grab pizza after the soccer game.

Discouraged to read that with an introverted husband I'm SOL....he does NOT have an interest in hosting a BBQ for some families we may have met once no matter how nice they seem. My social life is completely independent of him but I always groan internally when some mom I'm trying to befriend says "I can't wait to meet your husband! We should all get together for dinner" because I know they are going to be disappointed. I just want my own lady friends. Why does he have to be dragged into it?

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

DP but I don’t understand why everyone is attacking this person but I know people that have friend groups like this. It’s definitely not for everyone but it does exist.

Because it is uncommon enough to be considered weird unless those people have known each other for years. Just being on a sports team and then texting everyone to meet for pizza does not over the course of a year lead to 20 families vacationing together. That is a bizarre cult, not the picture of a typical friendship.

Read the OP. She was asking about how to go about breaking the ice and making some friendships, so she is new to this and may be struggling. Talking about your 20 BFF going on beach trips together several times a year does not apply in this situation.

I reread the OP and they specifically state:

How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?

The poster was answering the question. Also one invite for pizza doesn’t immediately lead to vacationing together but you have to start somewhere. That was a suggestion to get the ball rolling.

Anonymous wrote:
DS (my oldest) started K last fall. We were relatively new to the area and I was excited to use school as an opportunity to meet other parents. Over the course of the school year, there were 2 families that we ended up connecting with and having our kids do some playdates. There were other parents that I met throughout the year who I liked, but sometimes it did not seem like they were interested in connecting (e.g., if they had older kids and a busy schedule). At times it felt a bit like I was back in high school trying to navigate the social scene...not something I've felt I had to do in years!

I'd love to hear about other people's experiences connecting with other parents (particularly interested in the early elementary school years).

Specifically:
- How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?
- How long did it take to get to the point of feeling like you were actually friends?
- Are you someone who tends to initiate playdates? How do you decide when a good time to ask would be? Personally I tend not to initiate, or I might say something like "it would be great to have a playdate sometime" without actually scheduling something, as I'm not sure if the other person is interested.
- Any advice for someone who is eager to make friends, but understands that everyone is busy or may already have enough people in their lives?

If people seem interested (and your kids are friends and you like the parents), be specific next time -- "does ____ want to come over and play with _____ this weekend?"

Or, for kids my kids really like, I will say "we'd love to have ___ over, let's find a time for a playdate!" And then the parent and I will both look at our calendars and find a day and time that works.

My kids started a new school last year and I think 1:1 playdates are actually extremely helpful to getting them adjusted.

Moved to a new area when DD started K and lucked out by meeting some great parents from our class.

Play dates became more prevalent in first grade, but we definitely did a lot of playground meetups (low pressure) during K which helped get to know others. Also getting involved with the PTA helped. I’ve been a room parent and also sit on a committee and the parents I’ve met through school activities are typically ones I’m closer to. It also depends on the type of school you’re at and if it works for your schedule, but ours is one where 90% of kids walk to school and my go to group from school are parents who drop off like I do and stay to chat a few minutes.

DD will enter 2nd grade this year and I feel good I know a lot of parents of from the grade and others.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t really need to have play dates at all. Lots of families don’t, bc their kids are playing with neighborhood kids, siblings, have extracurriculars they are busy with, weekend trips, etc. My kids are super social and we almost never do play dates. But I still feel well connected to the families and parents at our school. We see them and chat at school events (and there are many), run into them in various after school extracurriculars, chit chat at school pick up/drop off, exchange friendly texts here and there. There are a few moms I go out with on occasion. That’s enough.

Adding: there is one family we adore and have known about a decade now and vacation with. But again, that’s enough. Not looking to do trips with anyone else.

You don’t really need to have play dates at all. Lots of families don’t, bc their kids are playing with neighborhood kids, siblings, have extracurriculars they are busy with, weekend trips, etc. My kids are super social and we almost never do play dates. But I still feel well connected to the families and parents at our school. We see them and chat at school events (and there are many), run into them in various after school extracurriculars, chit chat at school pick up/drop off, exchange friendly texts here and there. There are a few moms I go out with on occasion. That’s enough.

I agree with the people who said to invite. And you have to be strong enough to brush it off and try again if people say no and/or accept when it turns out people don’t want to socialize with you for whatever reason. My oldest is in 3rd grade and I just now feel like I am beginning to connect with 2-3 moms. This was after repeatedly seeing each other at a sport, at the pool, and running into each other at school nights or volunteering for lunch recess supervision. And I am not a very extroverted or naturally warm person, so only a couple types of people tend to want to befriend me.

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

DP but I don’t understand why everyone is attacking this person but I know people that have friend groups like this. It’s definitely not for everyone but it does exist.

Because it is uncommon enough to be considered weird unless those people have known each other for years. Just being on a sports team and then texting everyone to meet for pizza does not over the course of a year lead to 20 families vacationing together. That is a bizarre cult, not the picture of a typical friendship.

Read the OP. She was asking about how to go about breaking the ice and making some friendships, so she is new to this and may be struggling. Talking about your 20 BFF going on beach trips together several times a year does not apply in this situation.

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Anonymous wrote:We have about 20 families we are close with. Initiate group dinners at family friendly places is a good one to get the parents involved. I’ll text our baseball team and say “anyone want to meet for Pizza” after practice especially if it’s a Friday or Sat/Sun. Usually half the team goes. I met most when the kids were babies in our neighborhood though. The ones I am close with after is by being helpful or offering to share carpools for activities.

If you're CLOSE with 20 families how many are acquaintances?

We have about the same acquaintances. The 20 families are people I talk to on a regular basis and we travel with on overnight trips with their families every year, it’s 4 separate trips.

you travel overnight with 20 different families over the course of an average year? I call bullshit unless it's travel sports.

Not travel sports, we have know the families for over 7 years.

you have been going on four trips a year with a combined 20 families and have been doing this with those same families for 7 years. is that what you're saying? that would be weird AF if it were true, but it isn't true. these aren't informal "friend" trips -- they are some kind of organized activity for the kids, which is not the same thing at all

We got every year to the same beach, get 3 houses next to each other with one group for 4 nights. 5 years. 7 families

Do a couples weekend to a different location with 8 couples.

We go to one’s ski house with 4 families a long weekend.

I do a girls trip with 13 of the moms every year for 3-4 nights. An overnight at a spa hotel and we have done a few longer.

we travel with our own family most of the time and with friends who don’t have any kid overlap.

This is so weird. OP, disregard this weirdo. This is not typical and not all of those 20 families are really true friends.

DP but I don’t understand why everyone is attacking this person but I know people that have friend groups like this. It’s definitely not for everyone but it does exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DS (my oldest) started K last fall. We were relatively new to the area and I was excited to use school as an opportunity to meet other parents. Over the course of the school year, there were 2 families that we ended up connecting with and having our kids do some playdates. There were other parents that I met throughout the year who I liked, but sometimes it did not seem like they were interested in connecting (e.g., if they had older kids and a busy schedule). At times it felt a bit like I was back in high school trying to navigate the social scene...not something I've felt I had to do in years!

I'd love to hear about other people's experiences connecting with other parents (particularly interested in the early elementary school years).

Specifically:
- How old are your kids and how many other parents/families would you say that you are close to or that your kids have regular playdates with?
- How long did it take to get to the point of feeling like you were actually friends?
- Are you someone who tends to initiate playdates? How do you decide when a good time to ask would be? Personally I tend not to initiate, or I might say something like "it would be great to have a playdate sometime" without actually scheduling something, as I'm not sure if the other person is interested.
- Any advice for someone who is eager to make friends, but understands that everyone is busy or may already have enough people in their lives?

Ha OP I so.hear you on the "feeling like HS" in that navigating new friendships well into adulthood feels so fraught!

My kids are 1st grade and preschool. There are about 5 families that I would say we are genuinely friends with from elementary school. Got to know them in K. They are all in our neighborhood (ours kids walk to school in the morning so parents repeatedly met at dropoff) and we belong to a neighborhood pool. I say this to emphasize it took a lot of interaction before it felt natural and comfortable and really like "friends" somewhat organically.

Playdates are great and I do initiate but so did these other families. It felt mutual.

From there we started getting invited to family events like Halloween ToT together and then hang out at someone's house with a move playing outside for kids and drinks for adults. We reciprocated with BBQ and mixed these with other friends and neighbors. Another family organized a ski weekend that was very open (sent to a whole bunch of people). It takes people initiating and not necessarily knowing how receptive everyone will be - maybe helps to have 1-2 people you know are interested.

It's not for everyone and it doesn't always work out but it's like striking gold. We have some preschool families that are friends too. Some might say these won't last but fine - they are providing a lot of value and companionship and kid connection in this season regardless.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of these families don't have a ton of family nearby. So they are looking for community. And we are mostly transplants from other places. Despite some DCUM negativity I do think there are a lot of ot DMV folks looking for a village like this.

This is all fine and wonderful now when you have a first grader and preschooler, but neighborhood cliques often tend to end badly or fall apart as kids get older. I would seek out relationships beyond your neighborhood. I wish I had worked harder at that when my kids were younger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some good advice here but also don’t be discouraged if things don’t go the same way for you. I tried for years to make friends in all the ways people advise:

New moms group
Moms fitness class
Going to school moms social nights
Seeing the same people at various kid sports practices and games

None of this worked for me because the larger groups (like going to a meetup of 30 moms of 1st graders) didn’t really allow me to make new friends beyond chatting with some people mixer-style. I do better just focusing on one or two people that I already seem to click with. Sports practices and games didn’t work for me because all the other families already seemed to know each other.

I am still working on friendships and what’s worked best is arranging smallish play dates and seeing whether I seem to connect with any of the moms. This doesn’t always work because lots of play dates end up being drop off. I also accept ALL invites to neighbor and small group get togethers, even if I really don’t want to go. Sometimes running into the same people over and over again at smaller get together can lead to more friendliness.

It's been said so far in various ways, but I truly think the key to making friends (even just casual "hang-out friends") if you are new to an area and your kids are already ES-age is INVITING, INVITING, INVITING. You're not going to get far enough with just being lovely and friendly at school and sports events because so many other people in this stage are not really actively looking to make friends anymore. So even if you had a great convo with someone they are likely not going to text you the next day to meet up. YOU need to be the one to do that...playdates, hosting parties, get togethers, BBQs or whatevers, inviting someone out for coffee, lunch, to take a walk, go to a fitness class or other interesting event, concert, lecture (seriously whatever!!), being the parent that organizes fun events for the team, and on and on. It can be exhausting, and only a fraction of it all will lead to friendships, but I truly think this is what it takes if you're the new family at this stage.

Yes! Invite, invite, invite. Find others who are transplants/ didn't grow up there and have family nearby. DH is very extroverted so fortunately does a lot of the heavy lifting of friend-finding, but in many families, the wife is the one to coordinate with, so that falls on me. I am relatively introverted/socially anxious but with lots of practice I have gotten used to putting myself out there. I remind myself, who cares if someone thinks it's weird I've invited them to something three times, after they said no the first two times? We have made some great friends by just extending that third invitation. We have always found it easier to find adult friends with kids first, then get the kids together. In part, that is because annoying adults are a lot more annoying than annoying kids (who usually grow out of the phase if their parents are nice). That is also partially a function of living in a very mixed area (politically, educationally, demographically, economically) - if dc makes a friend in Kindergarten whose dad is in prison, that will likely not lead to an adult / family friendship.

We have a pool, and pretty much invite someone over every week over the summer. Before we put the pool in, we had lots of backyard games, slack line and would cookout and just invite people we liked even if we had only met them once or knew them from work. We always have a big Christmas party with 35+ people - I basically invite everyone we've crossed paths with that year who seems nice and has either no kids OR kids in our kids' age range. We always host an Easter egg hunt and brunch. I know you said you don't like the large groups, but once someone comes to our Christmas or Easter party, and they get a green light from our kids, I feel less awkward inviting them to do something family-family or 1 on 1. I always host a birthday party for DH - pickleball, paintball, something like that- and again invite people I've met even just briefly at someone else's event. Any kind of activities / hobbies (pickleball, golf, movie club, dinner club, book club) you may be into - just invite people, and then if they say no - invite them again to something else. It will take a few asks to learn whether a response, "we would love to but we have soccer!" is a polite excuse or a sincere wish to hang out.

We have been in our current city for 7 years, and many of our friends' kids have become like quasi-cousins for my kids. They are not necessarily who they would pick in school, which is almost easier, since friendships will change, but we are all so close and comfortable with each other now. I do not have great social skills, so I don't know how one goes about finding that close mom friend without doing all the intentional group socializing first and then from there finding the people who are looking for deeper friendships. I have never made friends on the PTA, at sports practice, with the class moms - those have always just been cordial acquaintances.

The people I know who are super close with other parents from school have kids at the same school, but also live in our same neighborhood and go to our same pool. Their kids may also do other sports throughout the year together (started at rec and moved to the same travel teams together over time). People who join their clique are those already friends with someone in it who move into the neighborhood. These people absolutely do things like vacation together and are BFFs - not sure some of their kids are even really friends any more outside of the family groupings.

But if people aren't thrown together in 3 or 4 different ways like that and really discover they like each other, I haven't seen it happen.