Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 09:45     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are saying leave for the children? Have you really been in a similar situation? I have such a spouse and he would totally take it out more on our children if I left. Now I also step in and take over when he flies off the handle. If I was not there do you really think they would be better off with no one stepping in to protect them from his anger? And no, his anger is not physical in which case I could have custody. Yes it’s emotional abuse. But the courts do not care unless it’s physical.


Yes, I left for the children’s sake, when they were 5 yo and 18 mos. I did not want them growing up thinking this kind of behavior was OK - it is not OK to tolerate nor is it OK to perpetrate. It was better to live 50% of the time in a home with me where we were less financially well off but the atmosphere was calm, supportive and focused on them and their needs.

Each of my kids struggled with his behavior. In middle school and high school they had a therapist that they could discuss things with. The therapist helped them identify atypical behavior and how to draw boundaries.

Each of my kids had experiences with abusive intimate partners in HS/college. I believe they were drawn to these partners because they were mimicking the dynamic they grew up with. Even though I ended my relationship with their dad, I did still maintain contact with him, believing that that was for their benefit, and so there still was a pattern of coercive control and walking on eggshells that they witnessed, and even though it wasn’t as bad as when we were married, it still primed them for unhealthy relationships. Thankfully, having a therapist and a parent who modeled refusing to accept abusive behavior and tried to draw boundaries helped them end those relationships and move on to kinder partners.

Ironically, I ended up with de facto custody. I had been afraid to leave him because I was afraid, like PP, that he would be unable to raise the kids. Despite separating from him, I rarely argued with him when he chose to cut his time with the kids short. I also took over all parenting without complaint. As a result, I had the kids for far more than 50% time. He was” fun” “show” dad, and that had a negative impact for awhile, but the kids ultimately saw him for who he is, which is sadly painful but probably for the best.

You have no good options if your DH is an abusive alcoholic. Staying is bad and leaving is bad. IMO, leaving is less bad. I can see why OP would like to give him a chance to stop drinking and change his behavior, but, for the sake of the kids, that should be a limited amount of time for him to clearly take the help offered and make lasting changes. We are not responsible to make the alcoholic stop drinking or the abuser stop abusing. But, we are responsible for creating an environment that is safe and loving for ourselves and our children.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 09:28     Subject: Re:Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:Pls read: Why Does He Do That

Gamechanger


What is this book about? How does it change you or the situation?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 08:46     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the feedback. It’s been worse this past year, and I’ve had a lot of honest conversations with my kids about it. I told them that it’s not OK how he’s acted the past year, but also that we had so many good years with him and he’s struggling with something and we should stick by him because we love him. He also never gets upset with the kids. Usually when he has his tantrums, I’m the only one around. It’s like I’m a safe person where he can just let it all out, which I know is unfair. My kids are not scared of him and will absolutely put him in his place when needed.

I grew up with an angry dad, who I still have a good relationship with, but I was also scared of him. He also didn’t provide me with emotional support or feelings ever. My husband does know our kids and is very involved and does give them emotional support.


Did you read anything here?

And why are you discussing your DH's issues with your children?





Exactly. Then having the kids put their father in his place

Yeah not cool and dysfunctional. Guess OP thinks he will want to stay or change his ways.. Nope
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 08:02     Subject: Re:Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:Pls read: Why Does He Do That

Gamechanger


Np and I started listening to it and everything I am hearing sounds so familiar.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 04:17     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:I don’t have anything to add except that I’m married to someone very similar and am reading these posts closely. It’s very hard to leave when you live in such an expensive area.


Same...I have a financial plan to leave in 3 years.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2025 02:11     Subject: Re:Husbands Tantrums
Pls read: Why Does He Do That

Gamechanger
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2025 22:36     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are saying leave for the children? Have you really been in a similar situation? I have such a spouse and he would totally take it out more on our children if I left. Now I also step in and take over when he flies off the handleIf I was not there do you really think they would be better off with no one stepping in to protect them from his anger? And no, his anger is not physical in which case I could have custody. Yes it’s emotional abuse. But the courts do not care unless it’s physical.


This doesn’t sound like a safe environment for you or your children.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2025 21:48     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
For those of you who are saying leave for the children? Have you really been in a similar situation? I have such a spouse and he would totally take it out more on our children if I left. Now I also step in and take over when he flies off the handle. If I was not there do you really think they would be better off with no one stepping in to protect them from his anger? And no, his anger is not physical in which case I could have custody. Yes it’s emotional abuse. But the courts do not care unless it’s physical.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2025 09:35     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the feedback. It’s been worse this past year, and I’ve had a lot of honest conversations with my kids about it. I told them that it’s not OK how he’s acted the past year, but also that we had so many good years with him and he’s struggling with something and we should stick by him because we love him. He also never gets upset with the kids. Usually when he has his tantrums, I’m the only one around. It’s like I’m a safe person where he can just let it all out, which I know is unfair. My kids are not scared of him and will absolutely put him in his place when needed.

I grew up with an angry dad, who I still have a good relationship with, but I was also scared of him. He also didn’t provide me with emotional support or feelings ever. My husband does know our kids and is very involved and does give them emotional support.


Did you read anything here?

And why are you discussing your DH's issues with your children?

Because my children are old enough to notice things and I am not going to be the mom who gaslights them into thinking that it’s okay for a man to get angry; nor will I act as though it’s not happening. To do that is to have them question their own reality and question their gut, which will lead to some serious issues down the line. No one is perfect and it is okay to express that to my children and to have open, honest conversations. (They are 17 and 16 so it isn’t like they are babies)



Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 21:29     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the feedback. It’s been worse this past year, and I’ve had a lot of honest conversations with my kids about it. I told them that it’s not OK how he’s acted the past year, but also that we had so many good years with him and he’s struggling with something and we should stick by him because we love him. He also never gets upset with the kids. Usually when he has his tantrums, I’m the only one around. It’s like I’m a safe person where he can just let it all out, which I know is unfair. My kids are not scared of him and will absolutely put him in his place when needed.

I grew up with an angry dad, who I still have a good relationship with, but I was also scared of him. He also didn’t provide me with emotional support or feelings ever. My husband does know our kids and is very involved and does give them emotional support.


Did you read anything here?

And why are you discussing your DH's issues with your children?



Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 21:21     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the feedback. It’s been worse this past year, and I’ve had a lot of honest conversations with my kids about it. I told them that it’s not OK how he’s acted the past year, but also that we had so many good years with him and he’s struggling with something and we should stick by him because we love him. He also never gets upset with the kids. Usually when he has his tantrums, I’m the only one around. It’s like I’m a safe person where he can just let it all out, which I know is unfair. My kids are not scared of him and will absolutely put him in his place when needed.

I grew up with an angry dad, who I still have a good relationship with, but I was also scared of him. He also didn’t provide me with emotional support or feelings ever. My husband does know our kids and is very involved and does give them emotional support.
Once I got out of my emotionally abusive marriage I realized I was drawn to my ex because his behavior was familiar to me. One of my parents has many of the same traits as ex so it was what I knew and it didn't scare me. Are you in therapy yourself? I feel like you're making a lot of excuses for his terrible behavior but it doesn't matter if he's mostly great if the 10% of the time that he's not great he's a monster. I'm wishing you the best!
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 21:15     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is some kind of special. It gets worse over time, not better.
Mine thought he is all that and bag of chips. I left and he fell apart completely. He is all gone now. Can't say I did anything other than not sticking around. For him, everyone else was bad and weird.


OP here - I don’t want that for him. I think the anger comes from insecurity and childhood/abandonment issues, I don’t want him to fall apart, I want to help him grow and become a better person. I want to help him but don’t know how. He has so much potential but his anger is destroying him.


So you’re sitting here making excuses for his crappy behavior and making your kids pick up the tab. Not a good look for you, OP.

At least get your kids in therapy.


They are in therapy, mostly because of him and his anger issues. It’s been a rough year.
I'm sorry OP, I really am. But I would have to draw the line here. If being around their father is causing my kids to need therapy, I would leave. Do they walk around on eggshells, too, just like you? I would not want this for my kids. I understand you want to help him, but unless he's acknowledged the problem and agreed to make a change, I would leave. For my kids, I would leave.



The therapy was not completely because of the anger. The kids do not walk on eggshells and will totally put him in his place - dad put your phone down and look at me when I talk to you- or - you are being ridiculous. We did go through a hard period about six months ago but it’s not like that now.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 18:32     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
I don’t have anything to add except that I’m married to someone very similar and am reading these posts closely. It’s very hard to leave when you live in such an expensive area.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 18:27     Subject: Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is some kind of special. It gets worse over time, not better.
Mine thought he is all that and bag of chips. I left and he fell apart completely. He is all gone now. Can't say I did anything other than not sticking around. For him, everyone else was bad and weird.


OP here - I don’t want that for him. I think the anger comes from insecurity and childhood/abandonment issues, I don’t want him to fall apart, I want to help him grow and become a better person. I want to help him but don’t know how. He has so much potential but his anger is destroying him.


So you’re sitting here making excuses for his crappy behavior and making your kids pick up the tab. Not a good look for you, OP.

At least get your kids in therapy.


They are in therapy, mostly because of him and his anger issues. It’s been a rough year.
I'm sorry OP, I really am. But I would have to draw the line here. If being around their father is causing my kids to need therapy, I would leave. Do they walk around on eggshells, too, just like you? I would not want this for my kids. I understand you want to help him, but unless he's acknowledged the problem and agreed to make a change, I would leave. For my kids, I would leave.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2025 18:20     Subject: Re:Husbands Tantrums
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He needs to join a boxing club.


This. He needs a place to release his anger and aggresssion in a healthy way. I highly reccomend this OP.


Thank you for the kind and helpful answer. I’m definitely gonna try to get him into some kind of high impact physical class.