Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an experience where the adoption did not work? Adoption of siblings took place 10 years ago. At the time DDs were 5 and 6. Fast forward to ages 15 & 16 and the older sibling is making life unbearable and unsafe. She has made it clear that she wants no part of the family. At 11 she declared that she was done with us and the running away began. We have had contact with several doctors, counselors, therapists, and now police but nothing has helped. She has caused significant damage to the home, neighbor's homes and school. She has also become violent with her sibling and me. There is an 80 year old in the household as well and she is terrified. Any suggestions for next steps?

I would hospitalize her ASAP as she is a danger to others. That is the words you should use.

Many, many years ago my doctor asked me if I was thinking about having children. I said that I really wanted to adopt. She said, AND I QUOTE "why would you do that? You have no idea the genetics and problems those children may or may not have. You're better off with your own genetics if you can." I know to most of you this sounds harsh however I know of too many situations like OP happening and this should be considered long and hard these days. Not saying most adoptions turn out like they because they probably don't but if you're the one that it doesn't what a difficult place to be.

I'm sorry op. You must be exhausted. I hope your kids get the help they need. Your heart was in the right place which is extra messed up that this is happening to you. Sending you hugs.

Anonymous wrote:IMO, the fact that you adopted her is irrelevant (other than from a psych/trauma perspective). She is your child - you made that decision TEN years ago. Approaching this as an issue of an adoption not working out is horrendous.

I suggest you post in the special needs forum and say that your teenage daughter is experiencing a mental health crisis and needs support. Unless you're ready to call CPS on yourself for abandonment. Also, in my professional experience, you are not allowed to "return" one child and keep another. To relinquish a child back to the state, you are charged with abandonment and your other children are also removed.

Anonymous wrote:Too often the police and schools don’t take meaningful action but will turn a blind eye instead. Remember Nicholas Cruz (FL school shooter) who was adopted, seemed fine but then turned violent at age 8-?

OP, if your daughter causes property damage or assaults, she is committing a crime and you can press charges if police don’t intervene.

I’ve had several friends living thru this or similar adoption hell. In one case, the daughter moved out, got herself a job, got pregnant, boyfriend left her. My point is that the situation took care of itself once daughter voluntarily left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was under the impression that adoption agencies do a good job in educating and evaluating families that want to adopt.


Even with education, I think some experiences are too extreme that you just can’t imagine what it’s like or that it could happen to you. I mean people who know all of the horrible things that can happen to a biological child still go on to procreate because the desire outweighs the risk and they don’t believe it will happen to them.

As a parent via adoption, I do NOT think that adoption agencies do a good job with educating families. Adoption agencies are in the business of getting kids adopted---so while they do a good job on educating families on topics like "how to navigate issues in transracial adoptions" they do a very poor job in truly educating families about more common issues such a fetal alcohol exposure, which is statistically much higher with adopted and foster kids.
All the people railing on how this must be the adoptive parents' fault are not understanding how FASD impacted kids develop. FASD is a brain injury that often effects emotional self-regulation, developmental maturity, etc. The impacts become much more apparent when kids reach tweens/teens and the developmental maturity and reasoning divide between a neurotypical adolescent and a FASD affected one become stark. All teenagers are hormonal roller-coasters, but add FASD dysmaturity and you can have a teen with all the typical teen physical urges but the reasoning ability of a much younger child. Add in the emotional dysregulation and you can suddenly have a teen that flies into a rage and physically assaults a parent with the same type of developmental lack of self control of a toddler, but in a young adult body.

I have three adopted kids and used different agencies each time. I stands by what I said for the agencies I used (all in the DMV). And from the adoption groups I joined and formed, we all acknowledge that we were educated.

One recommendation back when we were in the process involved getting videos and photos and head circumferences at various points in the kids’ lives and having them evaluated by specialists in neurological disorders and FAS so that prospective parents could make informed decisions.

I, like many I met along the way, opted not to do the evaluations. But the education and recommendations and information were provided.

Anonymous wrote:


As a parent via adoption, I do NOT think that adoption agencies do a good job with educating families. Adoption agencies are in the business of getting kids adopted---so while they do a good job on educating families on topics like "how to navigate issues in transracial adoptions" they do a very poor job in truly educating families about more common issues such a fetal alcohol exposure, which is statistically much higher with adopted and foster kids.
All the people railing on how this must be the adoptive parents' fault are not understanding how FASD impacted kids develop. FASD is a brain injury that often effects emotional self-regulation, developmental maturity, etc. The impacts become much more apparent when kids reach tweens/teens and the developmental maturity and reasoning divide between a neurotypical adolescent and a FASD affected one become stark. All teenagers are hormonal roller-coasters, but add FASD dysmaturity and you can have a teen with all the typical teen physical urges but the reasoning ability of a much younger child. Add in the emotional dysregulation and you can suddenly have a teen that flies into a rage and physically assaults a parent with the same type of developmental lack of self control of a toddler, but in a young adult body.


I have three adopted kids and used different agencies each time. I stands by what I said for the agencies I used (all in the DMV). And from the adoption groups I joined and formed, we all acknowledge that we were educated.

One recommendation back when we were in the process involved getting videos and photos and head circumferences at various points in the kids’ lives and having them evaluated by specialists in neurological disorders and FAS so that prospective parents could make informed decisions.

I, like many I met along the way, opted not to do the evaluations. But the education and recommendations and information were provided.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was under the impression that adoption agencies do a good job in educating and evaluating families that want to adopt.


Even with education, I think some experiences are too extreme that you just can’t imagine what it’s like or that it could happen to you. I mean people who know all of the horrible things that can happen to a biological child still go on to procreate because the desire outweighs the risk and they don’t believe it will happen to them.

As a parent via adoption, I do NOT think that adoption agencies do a good job with educating families. Adoption agencies are in the business of getting kids adopted---so while they do a good job on educating families on topics like "how to navigate issues in transracial adoptions" they do a very poor job in truly educating families about more common issues such a fetal alcohol exposure, which is statistically much higher with adopted and foster kids.
All the people railing on how this must be the adoptive parents' fault are not understanding how FASD impacted kids develop. FASD is a brain injury that often effects emotional self-regulation, developmental maturity, etc. The impacts become much more apparent when kids reach tweens/teens and the developmental maturity and reasoning divide between a neurotypical adolescent and a FASD affected one become stark. All teenagers are hormonal roller-coasters, but add FASD dysmaturity and you can have a teen with all the typical teen physical urges but the reasoning ability of a much younger child. Add in the emotional dysregulation and you can suddenly have a teen that flies into a rage and physically assaults a parent with the same type of developmental lack of self control of a toddler, but in a young adult body.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Military school.

Military schools don't want your mentally ill problem child. They don't work that way.

Trump was shipped off to military school and he was someone's biological problem child.