Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the MOG for a couple who is having a 65-person destination wedding. The destination is a family vacation spot of the brides; their family has been going to for many years. I have never been to the location which is 6.5 hours from my home. I offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner (and some smaller value items), which all 65 of the guests would attend. I was told of one option for a venue, that did not take reservations, so I asked if the couple could consult with their wedding planner for other venues as I was uncomfortable with taking that risk for 65 people that are all travelling for the weekend, my DS told me the planner was not hired to give suggestions for the dinner. I'm kind of hurt at that remark, is that typical these days?

Usually planners have a list of services for a particular price and may charge more for a package with more services. It's possible this planner isn't willing to go beyond the purchased package. I wouldn't be hurt by that.

I'd let your son know that you will need their help sorting the rehearsal dinner location. Maybe you could speak with a relative of the bride who has been to the area many times? Or the couple could help you? You may also have to do some online searching yourself and suggest options you find that are closer to what you'd like to host.

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t want advice, or help. We directly offered to help her find a venue. We offered to be her planners for free.

What she really wanted—that she got early on enough for her to ghost—was for someone to suggest this was really her DIL’s fault, and not her precious son who was disappointing her.

Anonymous wrote:OP - you need to decide what type of mother in law you're going to be. You are clearly not happy about this wedding. If I were you, I would invite my son's fiance to lunch or dinner and ask about the planning - GET INVOLVED. Be excited, ask about her memories vacationing at the location. I would develop a relationship with her directly because she will be family. 99% of the time the woman maintains family connections, not the man. Your son will likely never purchase you a gift or card again. He won't plan christmas with the grandkids. You don't want to be the woman who gets all huffy about your daughter in law being celebrated on Mother's Day when she's a young mom. You want to be the woman who says - "You and Susie have little ones - of course Mother's Day is about her now!! I'll see you all next week for lunch. I'm so happy you're making sure Susie has a day to be pampered!"

Your response here should be - "I've called a few places and read about XYZ online. What a beautiful location! Here are a few options that I found and would love your opinion before taking the next step. I'll see you for lunch tomorrow, Susie and we can hopefully chat about it then!"

If you don't live in the same town as them, start calling her just to chat, or make an overnight visit, etc. That effort likely pales in comparison to what the bride's family is doing.


Perfect advice.
I guarantee that this will work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would be crazy for you to travel to the location to look at options. Make a list and go see which venue you like best. You're spending a lot of money on this, so make sure you're comfortable with your selection.

+1
You don't need to bother the couple for this. Grab your husband, sister, other child, or best friend and have a fun weekend away. You are already putting yourself in the "ugh" category rather than "omg, mom/MIL is so wonderful".

DP. The idea that this would be a bother to the couple is so strange to me. My MIL booked our rehearsal dinner spot without asking us what we thought about it, and I was kind of annoyed. I had thoughts—not good ones—but it was too late to share at that point.

The rehearsal dinner is part of the whole event—especially for a destination wedding where everyone is invited. I would expect the couple would have thoughts and ideas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did the parents plan the rehearsal dinner? We married 30 years ago and we made the plans, as did our friends when they married.

Sorry but traditionally it's planned by the groom's parents. More couples take it on since many pay for it themselves, but when groom's family is paying, they should plan it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They DID give her a recommendation though. The people who know the destination and presumably something about OP’s budget told her that Chappy’s Cheeseburgers was the place.

OP came back with “they don’t take reservations, can I use the wedding planner.”

This might be the kind of destination where Chappy’s is kind of the only option. They don’t take reservations because it’s an island, or whatever. OP just needs to call them and work it out.

personally, if I were told there's only one acceptable option, and I contact them and they won't take the reservation, then I'm done. I'm handing over a check for the couple to figure it out. I'd take their word that's the only option and not look for others, and I would not keep calling the restaurant. If OP is only going off what it said on a website or something then she should call and explain but not more than once.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would be crazy for you to travel to the location to look at options. Make a list and go see which venue you like best. You're spending a lot of money on this, so make sure you're comfortable with your selection.

+1
You don't need to bother the couple for this. Grab your husband, sister, other child, or best friend and have a fun weekend away. You are already putting yourself in the "ugh" category rather than "omg, mom/MIL is so wonderful".

DP. The idea that this would be a bother to the couple is so strange to me. My MIL booked our rehearsal dinner spot without asking us what we thought about it, and I was kind of annoyed. I had thoughts—not good ones—but it was too late to share at that point.

The rehearsal dinner is part of the whole event—especially for a destination wedding where everyone is invited. I would expect the couple would have thoughts and ideas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would be crazy for you to travel to the location to look at options. Make a list and go see which venue you like best. You're spending a lot of money on this, so make sure you're comfortable with your selection.

+1
You don't need to bother the couple for this. Grab your husband, sister, other child, or best friend and have a fun weekend away. You are already putting yourself in the "ugh" category rather than "omg, mom/MIL is so wonderful".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did the parents plan the rehearsal dinner? We married 30 years ago and we made the plans, as did our friends when they married.

Sorry but traditionally it's planned by the groom's parents. More couples take it on since many pay for it themselves, but when groom's family is paying, they should plan it.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would be crazy for you to travel to the location to look at options. Make a list and go see which venue you like best. You're spending a lot of money on this, so make sure you're comfortable with your selection.

Anonymous wrote:They DID give her a recommendation though. The people who know the destination and presumably something about OP’s budget told her that Chappy’s Cheeseburgers was the place.

OP came back with “they don’t take reservations, can I use the wedding planner.”

This might be the kind of destination where Chappy’s is kind of the only option. They don’t take reservations because it’s an island, or whatever. OP just needs to call them and work it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you seriously telling me you haven’t so much as Googled “rehearsal dinner White Sands Resort” or whatever the name of the place is?

I’m practically a professional Googler and I spent years working in restaurants in a former life, and I wouldn’t want to choose a venue this way. Recommendations from people in the party planning business and/or who know the area well would be my preference.

There’s a lot that can go wrong trying to plan a long distance dinner for 65 people. I can see how it feels stressful for OP.

It’s “stressful” to call a hotel concierge and ask for a recommendation, or even to book a hotel ballroom and a caterer approved by the hotel?

OK.

It’s “stressful” to call literally the same wedding caterer and get a quote for a rehearsal dinner?

OK.

The stressful part is that the OP is in unfamiliar territory and presumably wants to make a good impression for her son’s sake. Sure, she can book the hotel ballroom sight unseen, but maybe it’s a sad, windowless room and the food at the hotel is mediocre.

A destination wedding locale will likely have a few “IYKYK” kind of spots that will make for a more special evening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you seriously telling me you haven’t so much as Googled “rehearsal dinner White Sands Resort” or whatever the name of the place is?

I’m practically a professional Googler and I spent years working in restaurants in a former life, and I wouldn’t want to choose a venue this way. Recommendations from people in the party planning business and/or who know the area well would be my preference.

There’s a lot that can go wrong trying to plan a long distance dinner for 65 people. I can see how it feels stressful for OP.

It’s “stressful” to call a hotel concierge and ask for a recommendation, or even to book a hotel ballroom and a caterer approved by the hotel?

OK.

It’s “stressful” to call literally the same wedding caterer and get a quote for a rehearsal dinner?

OK.

The stressful part is that the OP is in unfamiliar territory and presumably wants to make a good impression for her son’s sake. Sure, she can book the hotel ballroom sight unseen, but maybe it’s a sad, windowless room and the food at the hotel is mediocre.

A destination wedding locale will likely have a few “IYKYK” kind of spots that will make for a more special evening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you seriously telling me you haven’t so much as Googled “rehearsal dinner White Sands Resort” or whatever the name of the place is?

I’m practically a professional Googler and I spent years working in restaurants in a former life, and I wouldn’t want to choose a venue this way. Recommendations from people in the party planning business and/or who know the area well would be my preference.

There’s a lot that can go wrong trying to plan a long distance dinner for 65 people. I can see how it feels stressful for OP.

It’s “stressful” to call a hotel concierge and ask for a recommendation, or even to book a hotel ballroom and a caterer approved by the hotel?

OK.

It’s “stressful” to call literally the same wedding caterer and get a quote for a rehearsal dinner?

OK.