I think all the people who post extensively about parenting their kids are gross, no matter the challenges faced by the kids.

Y'all are violating your children's right to a private experience of childhood.

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Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

It is not everyone else's adopted experience. Nothing about my posts are offensive, they are reality, and you don't get to decide what is offensive since you aren't the adopted person. You don't get to decide about the lives of others.

They are very offensive and you know nothing about other's situations so stop with the judgements and trolling.

And, calling someone an adoptive person is bizarre as it makes them sound less. You don't get to decide about the lives of others and yet here you are trying. You don't speak for everyone. Adoption is how someone joins a family. Its not what defines them in a family.

You really don't get it, and you are reading irrelevant ideas into this discussion. Perhaps doing some more reading would help? What's interesting is how triggered you are over this. Time for a little introspection. You, apparently, are the one deciding about the lives of others- a common adoptive parent scenario. You don’t have that right, not for anyone- me, your kids, other people's kids.

Another interesting read, apropos of nothing.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2024/01/fetal-maternal-cells-microchimerism/676996/

You are so self absorbed and have no right to speak for those adopted. Most kids don’t want to be defined by adoption and shouldn’t.

You are unbelievably dead wrong. And, you are not an adoptee, so please just sit down and turn off your megaphone, no one is listening to your rubbish, and you have absolutely no right to be speaking on the subject at all. Your thoughts are not at all relevant to this culture. There is an enormous global community of domestic and international adoptees who have taken people and thd entire system on - those just like you. They are very, very vocal online, in legal matters, and in literature. You need to leave your comfort zone, but first you need to leave the 1960s. Times have changed. You are the troll, let's not get confused here. Good grief.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

It is not everyone else's adopted experience. Nothing about my posts are offensive, they are reality, and you don't get to decide what is offensive since you aren't the adopted person. You don't get to decide about the lives of others.

They are very offensive and you know nothing about other's situations so stop with the judgements and trolling.

And, calling someone an adoptive person is bizarre as it makes them sound less. You don't get to decide about the lives of others and yet here you are trying. You don't speak for everyone. Adoption is how someone joins a family. Its not what defines them in a family.

You really don't get it, and you are reading irrelevant ideas into this discussion. Perhaps doing some more reading would help? What's interesting is how triggered you are over this. Time for a little introspection. You, apparently, are the one deciding about the lives of others- a common adoptive parent scenario. You don’t have that right, not for anyone- me, your kids, other people's kids.

Another interesting read, apropos of nothing.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2024/01/fetal-maternal-cells-microchimerism/676996/

You are so self absorbed and have no right to speak for those adopted. Most kids don’t want to be defined by adoption and shouldn’t.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

It is not everyone else's adopted experience. Nothing about my posts are offensive, they are reality, and you don't get to decide what is offensive since you aren't the adopted person. You don't get to decide about the lives of others.

They are very offensive and you know nothing about other's situations so stop with the judgements and trolling.

And, calling someone an adoptive person is bizarre as it makes them sound less. You don't get to decide about the lives of others and yet here you are trying. You don't speak for everyone. Adoption is how someone joins a family. Its not what defines them in a family.

You really don't get it, and you are reading irrelevant ideas into this discussion. Perhaps doing some more reading would help? What's interesting is how triggered you are over this. Time for a little introspection. You, apparently, are the one deciding about the lives of others- a common adoptive parent scenario. You don’t have that right, not for anyone- me, your kids, other people's kids.

Another interesting read, apropos of nothing.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2024/01/fetal-maternal-cells-microchimerism/676996/

Anonymous wrote:My sibling adopted a drug-exposed 2.5-year-old little boy from foster care last year after many years of infertility.

I realize a child with his background and neglect comes with challenges. However, my sibling and spouse document all of it on social media, mainly in how they saved the boy and how much better he has it. Every new toy, vacation, and family outing is about how he wouldn’t have this or that if we didn’t save him from his horrible biological family.

This is just a rant but it feels so wrong to me, especially as their son gets older and can read their posts or internalize their commentary. I want to say something. Would that be wrong? It feels almost narcissistic to constantly post and talk about this.

They sound like narcissistic morons. Poor kid.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

It is not everyone else's adopted experience. Nothing about my posts are offensive, they are reality, and you don't get to decide what is offensive since you aren't the adopted person. You don't get to decide about the lives of others.

They are very offensive and you know nothing about other's situations so stop with the judgements and trolling.

And, calling someone an adoptive person is bizarre as it makes them sound less. You don't get to decide about the lives of others and yet here you are trying. You don't speak for everyone. Adoption is how someone joins a family. Its not what defines them in a family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

It is not everyone else's adopted experience. Nothing about my posts are offensive, they are reality, and you don't get to decide what is offensive since you aren't the adopted person. You don't get to decide about the lives of others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

What is offensive is you don’t consider some of us know this and do it. My child knows almost everything and has contact regularly with family, as do I. No one is pretending anything. Grow up. Your posts are offensive. Mine know everything I know.

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

I see that some people didn't read your post fully, or have comprehension issues. I am not sure where this pendulum is swinging towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. Or biological, for that matter.
But, as I think about it now, I have seen this towards biological parents. My nieces and nephews are certainly ungrateful slobs. I have seen it the other way; I think that's just the way we're raising our kids now, to be honest. The narcissistic children are a product of our permissive parenting, to some degree, in my opinion. It is happening in UMC more and more, and we are being stifled as parents bcs everything is abuse these days!
My parents used to beat me back in my home country. it was long ago, not uncommon, it was nothing that didn't happen to all the kids. I have never considered my parents abusive. My kids think I am abusive if I ask them to clean their rooms.
I do not think that kids need to be grateful that they are our kids, adoptive or biological. We chose to have kids. They should be grateful for all the things we do for them, to a certain degree. It is one thing if you are an abused child, and another thing if parents take you to Florida for the whole summer and you live on the beach. They should be grateful for some things we afford them.

So your sister is a narcissist? It seems like the child swapped one tragic childhood with another.

Well you probably know your sister well. Is she a total narcissist or is she just clueless?

Does your nephew have behavioral issues? My niece with a similar background has RAD and has attempted to hurt my kids. You need to be vigilant and make sure your kids are safe when they are all together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.


Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

I was the first poster quoted above. I have never tried to erase my children's history. Not at all. Even if I had wished to, our children were not newborns at the time of their adoption and they came with memories and a life before us. We have always been an open book to them---I would answer any question asked (in an age appropriate way). I certainly don't think that any adoptive parent should try to pretend those facts away---or not try to help kids process those complexities. I just wish there was a little more balance in the pendulum swing---from the "weren't you lucky you were chosen" narrative that used to deny the complexity of adoptees' feelings of loss to the current emphasis on grief and loss processing without an accompanying recognition that any child who gets to grow up safe, loved and supported is fortunate to have that experience. It's not either/or, it is a both/and.

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:


This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.


Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

I was the first poster quoted above. I have never tried to erase my children's history. Not at all. Even if I had wished to, our children were not newborns at the time of their adoption and they came with memories and a life before us. We have always been an open book to them---I would answer any question asked (in an age appropriate way). I certainly don't think that any adoptive parent should try to pretend those facts away---or not try to help kids process those complexities. I just wish there was a little more balance in the pendulum swing---from the "weren't you lucky you were chosen" narrative that used to deny the complexity of adoptees' feelings of loss to the current emphasis on grief and loss processing without an accompanying recognition that any child who gets to grow up safe, loved and supported is fortunate to have that experience. It's not either/or, it is a both/and.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Ah,but you didn't give birth. They joined your family "per your choice."

Here's something you probably need to consider. Agree that you won't call your kid " adopted." Agree that you love them. But- acting like it there was not an adoption, as if you gave birth to them, is part of the problem. They have a genealogical, medical, ethnic, maybe racial entire history that is not yours. They have paperwork outlining their birth story, a birth date that may or may not be accurate, relatives including siblings that they don't know about and it is not your job to pretend none of that happened.

+1