Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters are necessarily “bad” people but they are broken people. I had an “emotional affair” which I don’t consider the same as a physical affair, but it’s still bad. The way my husband was treating me was not unrelated to the fact that I sought comfort from another person, but my lack of appropriate coping mechanisms and my inability to draw boundaries were all on me. I would say that I have always loved my husband, but I was completely at a loss regarding what to do when things turned sideways.

I had a month-long EA, but I don’t consider myself broken. I know it was wrong, and I regret the hurt it caused. I’ve done a lot of work on myself since and grateful for the clarity it brought to who I really am and what I really need and want from life and relationships.

I still love my now ex spouse and want the best for him, but I also know that he was unable to offer me the connection and intimacy I crave and I am now able to seek that in a more mature and honest way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

So leave him. You don’t like him. Move along.

That’s disingenuous advice. What if PP has kids?

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

I dont believe in sex outside marriage as that is sinful. What you did is wrong. That being said, while you are responsible for your actions, your wife did play a role in your cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

Are you the potential cheater, or the cheated-upon (due to lack of sex)? If the former, see #2 and 3.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

So leave him. You don’t like him. Move along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

The problem for me is that DH has let himself go therefore I still want sex, just not with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

You actually are some sort of sociopath, though. You made a vow to your wife and remorselessly cheated on her to get your kicks until you just didn’t feel like it anymore. That isn’t normal behavior, guy. You absolutely have some sort of emotional problem to be able to engage in that behavior without any regret.

I don’t think my vows addressed anything sex related. I’m certain you’re perfect though.

Your vows said nothing about honor, respect, or foresaking all others?

Anonymous wrote:

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own

So you have absolved yourself of all responsibility fitted failure of your marriage, despite the fact that you cheated and married your AP. How convenient for you that he provided cover for your betrayal. What about your AP’s marriage? And btw - everything you have written is a passive story, like you both lived your spouses and didn’t want to blow up your marriages but sometimes that just happens to you. Gross.

NP. I don’t give a pass to adultery but if the spouse is trans, we’re talking a very different situation.

Anonymous wrote:What is high deuce?

m
Sorry high drive autocorrect on my phone

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s absolute torture to care for two people. I haven’t cheated but the amount of time I spend thinking about the other person, I might as well have.

Torture? Try being a betrayed spouse caring for kids and discovering lies and deceit and that you were in a non-monogamous sex relationship without your consent.

Yes, torture. Depression, anger at one’s self, confusion but also love, deep love and care for both people and both families. The worst mind f*ck I could imagine, save for your own parents abandoning you. Everything I believed (like you do now) pulled from under me. You have your own purity to get you out of bed. I don’t. I lost my ability to lecture people because of how I feel. It is not good. And yet I haven’t crossed any physical lines, and we don’t even talk that much anymore—maybe once or twice a month. But the bond is there.

Flame away, I have nothing good to say in my defense except that I know I have nothing but care for both people in my heart.

What a luxury for you to design your life worth the intent of having two soft places to call and two people to adore you. The other side hasn’t been as fortunate. They have to hold your secret, the family shame, and feeling like their entire life was a lie. Feeling like they are inherently unloveable because the person that was supposed to love them didn’t, no matter what you say. All why they were holding YOUR family together so you could do what you wanted.

What is high deuce?

What burns me as a woman who has been high deuce is the dissolution of everything to sex. These poor people who weren’t getting sex, without thinking of the things the betrayed spouse was also going without. All the resources, and sex, poured into an affair partner.

Think they didn’t want novelty, emotional
Support, flirting, thinks to make them feel alive and energized? No, you thought about yourself and what it was YOU needed, even at the detriment to the person you say you loved.

The point of love is to help people when they’re lower that you are, not kick them down. Finding a replacement for any of the things you’re supposed to be helping with k is them down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

+10000 similar story for me but I’m a DW. I simply enjoy having sex.

For those in "dead bedrooms" here's how it works.
1. Talk to your spouse about sex. Are they okay with the amount you are having, or do they want more? Express you would like more but want it to be consensual. Is it possible to change circumstances to allow for each others' needs to be met?
2. If the answer is not interested, what about an open relationship?
3. If the answer to that is no, then talk about how this is an important need for you in a marriage and proceed to separation.

A lot of people fail at #1. If you have kids and you've never at least tried to plan a date night with a hotel booked, you have no standing to complain about your sex life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s absolute torture to care for two people. I haven’t cheated but the amount of time I spend thinking about the other person, I might as well have.

Torture? Try being a betrayed spouse caring for kids and discovering lies and deceit and that you were in a non-monogamous sex relationship without your consent.

Yes, torture. Depression, anger at one’s self, confusion but also love, deep love and care for both people and both families. The worst mind f*ck I could imagine, save for your own parents abandoning you. Everything I believed (like you do now) pulled from under me. You have your own purity to get you out of bed. I don’t. I lost my ability to lecture people because of how I feel. It is not good. And yet I haven’t crossed any physical lines, and we don’t even talk that much anymore—maybe once or twice a month. But the bond is there.

Flame away, I have nothing good to say in my defense except that I know I have nothing but care for both people in my heart.

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

But you are immature. You didn’t get your wife’s input on managing the lack of sex.