Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 19:01     Subject: Re:Punctuality Disagreement
It all depends on context IMO (and in this case, it is rude to be 30min late- no question).

Sometimes it is actually rude to be early (which I had to explain to my DH years ago…he would want us to arrive 20-30min early to a casual party, catching the host off guard lol).

Also totally depends who you are meeting and where - meeting with work colleagues vs a parent teacher conference vs coffee with your sister vs drinks with a large group of friends. Obviously the first two situations require punctuality while the latter two 15-30min probably is not a huge deal.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:47     Subject: Re:Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA


Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?



I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:45     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Being on time is very important. Being constantly late is rude.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:43     Subject: Re:Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA


Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:38     Subject: Re:Punctuality Disagreement
threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:37     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long ago, I was spouse B in this situation. In this particular situation, I think Spouse A was okay. Spouse B is focusing on her embarrassment, not the embarrassment of Spouse A for being late in meeting a work colleague, and that’s wrong.

However, sometimes Spouse B will be right when it comes to timing for things related to her friends and family.


Nope. It's never right to be late. It's always rude.

Sorry, that’s simply not true. For my and my DH’s upbringing, if someone invites you to a party at 8:00 it would be rude to show up at 8:00.


Not in American it's not. If you're talking about another country, then that's not relevant here.


There is not one monolithic American culture.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:36     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long ago, I was spouse B in this situation. In this particular situation, I think Spouse A was okay. Spouse B is focusing on her embarrassment, not the embarrassment of Spouse A for being late in meeting a work colleague, and that’s wrong.

However, sometimes Spouse B will be right when it comes to timing for things related to her friends and family.


Nope. It's never right to be late. It's always rude.


Lol, OP said it's partially cultural. You must not have ever showed for a posada "on time" and sat around awkwardly as the first guest for over an hour while the hosts cook and disappear to go get ready.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:34     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Doing it was fine. All the "dramatics" are not necessary.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:32     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.


Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:31     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.


I wouldn’t care if you left without me. But the threatening and then deliberately embarrassing me in front of work friends would not be okay.


But why would you be embarrassed? If being late is not rude, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, right?


I don’t know why spouse B was embarrassed or what spouse A said. I would assume that he was mocking his wife with his work friends before she arrived.


No one has said B mocked A with the work friends. I think you can simply say "something came up and running behind" and it could be anything - work, kids, babysitter is running late, etc.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:28     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:Punctuality is very important.

That said, if it was the case that Spouse A Gets themselves ready only without considering Spouse B is getting kids ready, prepping for a babysitter, and then getting themselves ready without any help from spouse A, then Spouse A needs to see that they’re part of the problem with regards ton spouse B getting ready on time. Bonus is Spouse A manages to prepare and groom
Themselves in such a time and manner that Spouse B Cannot get a shower, etc.

Also, is Spouse A’s idea of on time always 15 min early and they don’t communicate that?

Being late because you think it’s okay is extremely rude. But sometimes the punctual” spouse has anxiety or control Issues over the timing that impede the other spouse from being on time, unless they get ready a day before.



Lol, my ex-military repeats over and over again "If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, you’re f-ed". He at least articulates that he wants us to be early everywhere. I'm fine with being on time. He considers this late and loves to put me down because I'm "always late". I am not. I am also getting the kids ready while he sits in the car huffing and puffing. And we still make it where we are going on time because I'm not actually late.

But actually being 30 minutes late to anything is unacceptable and I would leave them behind too.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:27     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
"Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal."

I have not read anything more than OP's post, so I am sure this has been said already, but I want to lend my voice to reiterating that the above is one of most incredibly rude habits/mindsets one can have. Spouse A was not out of line at all, and it's a wonder that s/he lasted as long as s/he did.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:26     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
I thought OP was Spouse A because of the “dithering” comment
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:20     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.


Wow so you'd not only require your spouse to be late because of you, you'd throw away your marriage over this?

This is the kind of bizarre behavior that makes on-time people think always-late people are controlling narcissists.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2025 18:18     Subject: Punctuality Disagreement
Showing up 15-30 minutes late to a big party or some other event with more flexible timing should be generally ok. Showing up 15-30 minutes late to dinner with someone else is incredibly obnoxious. There is no "culture" where this would be considered ok.