This depends entirely on the kids and parents involved. There is no 1 right way for everyone. Also, it would be hard to impossible to predict which is better for your kids in your specific circumstances.

For us, I was a SAHM when my kids were little and went back to work when they started school. They’re now upper elementary and my son has been struggling and has actually asked me to leave my job and stay home again so he no longer had to do before/after school care and can “just be home” more. I’m considering it bc I feel my kids may need a parent home/a slower pace of life as they enter middle/high school & I’ve heard from parents of older kids how important that parental involvement can be as kids move into adolescence. Is that what’s best? It’s hard to know. But I feel the kids need their parent more present maybe even more now than when they were little. So that’s a problem I actually see and could potentially address now rather than an unknown future situation wrt college.

My mom stayed at home I preferred she'd work and help towards our college savings and her own retirement.. My college loan debt was crippling and delayed a lot of things in my adult life.

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Anonymous wrote:If the parent wants to SAH, then that is definitely more valuable. But not every parent is happy in this role, and that matters.

This isn’t borne out by data. The crippling effect of college debt is.

It’s a bit complicated. Yes there’s data that women with working moms end up earning more than women with SAH moms, but there’s also data on the negative effects of early daycare (especially in the first year and/or long hours) on a significant number of kids.

So not exactly clear cut.

How could you have data to show you whether kids raised by SAHP are happier in life? There is no concrete evidence but that doesn’t mean it isn’t likely true.

There is data saying the opposite actually. “Adult children of working mothers are said to be higher achievers at work and are happier”.

Where is that data? I’d love to see the link. Please and thanks.

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Anonymous wrote:If the parent wants to SAH, then that is definitely more valuable. But not every parent is happy in this role, and that matters.

This isn’t borne out by data. The crippling effect of college debt is.

It’s a bit complicated. Yes there’s data that women with working moms end up earning more than women with SAH moms, but there’s also data on the negative effects of early daycare (especially in the first year and/or long hours) on a significant number of kids.

So not exactly clear cut.

How could you have data to show you whether kids raised by SAHP are happier in life? There is no concrete evidence but that doesn’t mean it isn’t likely true.

There is data saying the opposite actually. “Adult children of working mothers are said to be higher achievers at work and are happier”.

That doesn’t really mean anything to me except that working mothers are more likely to be high achievers themselves and therefore also more likely to have children who are “high achievers.” Doesn’t mean they’re happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the parent wants to SAH, then that is definitely more valuable. But not every parent is happy in this role, and that matters.

This isn’t borne out by data. The crippling effect of college debt is.

It’s a bit complicated. Yes there’s data that women with working moms end up earning more than women with SAH moms, but there’s also data on the negative effects of early daycare (especially in the first year and/or long hours) on a significant number of kids.

So not exactly clear cut.

How could you have data to show you whether kids raised by SAHP are happier in life? There is no concrete evidence but that doesn’t mean it isn’t likely true.

There is data saying the opposite actually. “Adult children of working mothers are said to be higher achievers at work and are happier”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the parent wants to SAH, then that is definitely more valuable. But not every parent is happy in this role, and that matters.

This isn’t borne out by data. The crippling effect of college debt is.

It’s a bit complicated. Yes there’s data that women with working moms end up earning more than women with SAH moms, but there’s also data on the negative effects of early daycare (especially in the first year and/or long hours) on a significant number of kids.

So not exactly clear cut.

How could you have data to show you whether kids raised by SAHP are happier in life? There is no concrete evidence but that doesn’t mean it isn’t likely true.

Anonymous wrote:Whichever makes You the better parent. For some staying home is the answer, for others staying home is a horrible choice. The thing you aren’t considering though is the choices most of us have in navigating our careers. Most of us do have a choice over 18 years regarding what our jobs will look like - work PT, FT, travel, no travel, make a ton of money, make good money that covers day care now, and college savings later, take a couple years off, come back, gun for a promotion, decelerate and take a WFH gig. The workplace today is actually much more flexible than it was 15 years ago.

+1. SO much more important than simply SAHP or fully funded college. Which option makes you a better parent, is better for your family’s lifestyle and meets your kids’ needs? My parents both worked when I was growing up and they did fully fund college for me. But, I’m not close w them now because I felt no emotional connection to them bc I rarely saw them growing up. Whereas another family might have 2 working parents who are still very present and involved in their kids’ life or someone might be a SAHM and still not emotionally connected to their kids despite physically being present.

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's challenging to find a 9-3 and summers off job unless you teach

Do you know any teachers? I was a teacher and my hours were never 9-3. I got there at 7:30 and was lucky to leave by 5 most days.

Totally depends on the needs/personalities of the individual parents and kids and the dynamics of the careers the parents are in. In particular, some careers are more forgiving of a break than others.

I've seen lots of different mixes of SAH/WOH/WAH/FT/PT among my friends and family etc. Regardless, it works when you can be flexible and just do the best you can to meet everyone's needs. If one person has a "big job" (lots of hours, travel, not flexible), life usually works best if the other spouse has a very flexible job. If both spouses have big jobs you need another consistent adult caregiver for the kids and need to consistently show the kids in other ways that they are important to you.

DH and I don't have big jobs. What worked for me was to be SAH from birth until our youngest (of 2) started kindergarten. No, the kids don't really remember those years, but I do and I loved that time of my life. It allowed for a lower stress way of living that was more responsive to the kids needs than we could have been with 2 busy careers. I freelanced occasionally to keep up career connections.

I had no trouble getting a FT job when I was ready and college funding was a big motivation for that. Through elementary DH and I both mainly worked OOH but with reasonably flexible jobs, little travel. The kids liked going to aftercare at their school because it was essentially a big playdate with their friends. A long-term benefit of all this friend bonding time is that they ended up with really strong friendships that have, so far, lasted into college. DS currently shares a house at college with a guy he's been friends with since 2nd grade.

When the oldest started middle school, DH felt strongly about a parent home after school (he'd been a kid who got up to trouble!). He was able to switch his job to mostly WAH (this was pre covid) and that continued into HS (and then I became FT WAH because of covid).

I'm also glad I went back because DH ended up getting laid off right before our youngest started college. He was able to just retire because we can live fine on my salary. And, by that point, college was fully funded and retirement savings in a good place. This would have been a much bigger problem if I'd never gone back to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the parent wants to SAH, then that is definitely more valuable. But not every parent is happy in this role, and that matters.

This isn’t borne out by data. The crippling effect of college debt is.

Bull.Shit.

The average college student with student loans graduates owing less on those loans than they’ll pay for their first car.

But only one of these is constantly being described in such dramatic, negative language. The average college graduate could pay off their loans pretty easily in less than five years if they actually made it a priority.

And FTR, some of us would never even consider paying nearly six figures per year for an undergraduate education, no matter how much money we have. Because at some point it’s just a foolish waste of money.

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Anonymous wrote:There's no reason a SAHP shouldn't get a job while the kids are in school.

Clueless people say this. School is not even 8 hours long. Its six. Aftercare is hard to get into, expensive, and low quality, as are summer camps.. Also, sick days and holidays exceed pto. So show me these miracle jobs that magically align with school schedules? Also every weekend will be spent as a family cleaning and grocery shopping while eating takeout most nights.

FWIW I do work, because I actually do have one of these unicorn jobs where I wfh part time for very good pay in a technical/specialized field. Took me 10 years and an Ivy masters to get it. I have no illusions about how easy they are to find. And because of that I have to outsource some cleaning and childcare. There’s no shortcuts for the work to get done in a home if you have kids.

Well, I did with a part-time job as an architect. Some days the kids had aftercare sponsored by the school. My kids also quite enjoyed their summer camps.
As for sick days, well, I just didn't get paid. My employer understood I was a parent when I was hired. Part of the bargain was that I didn't need health insurance or any other benefits.
No, I'm not a superstar principal of a firm but that isn't my priority.

You don't need a unicorn job. Stop making excuses.

Anonymous wrote:Stay home for 3 yrs, back to work for the other 15.

Something like this is probably about right. People might debate the exact age, somewhere in the age 3-6 range, but generally kids do not need so much parent time at age 3+.

I don’t think most people see it as either/or, and it doesn’t usually need to be. My mom SAH, and all of us graduated from college with no debt… combination of my parents making good financial decisions from the start, scholarship money, and us kids choosing colleges the family could afford. I SAH, but we have a lot of money saved and invested for college. I would decide what works well for the family at the time, then adjust as needed. Some kids don’t even go to college. Some get scholarships. Some live at home & attend cheaper schools. And so on.

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kids, depends on the parents. Obviously.

+100000. This is the only true or useful response.

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Anonymous wrote:The flip side of this is I am so grateful my parents have the financial means for a comfortable retirement and to pay for care if they eventually need it. That's a bigger deal than having college paid for. Though both are nice.

Either way, college and retirement are both more attainable with two incomes.

Not always. My income was on the lower end in a helping profession so by the time we paid for child care, we'd owe money. And with older child, the driving is daily after school so paying someone would be a wash.

Right, the standard “I can’t get a job because we’ll be poor-er!” Lie. Whatever helps you sit on the sofa all afternoon!

DP but it's pretty basic math. Childcare is expensive. This year DCPS has 40 weeks in a school year and 17 of those have at least one day off. This doesn't include snow or sick days. Camps charge a premium for these random days off. It's really tough (and expensive) for working parents of young kids. I'm not in that demographic, but it's easy to see how someone with a low-paying job would choose to stay home and how that would make more financial sense.