Anonymous wrote:It's crazy seeing the amount of comments blaming women for experiencing emotional abuse.

It’s even crazier if those comments are coming from other women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today during therapy my therapist mentioned I’m very monotone and unemotional, and that I should work on expressing my happiness and emotion more.

I was reflecting back on why, because I wasn’t always like this, and I realized it’s from my xH. He was initially attracted to me because I was vibrant, outgoing, and fun to be around, but over the years he got so critical of what I wore, how I acted, how I spoke, etc that I just got rid of all personality altogether so he’d have nothing to be critical about.

I talked with some friends and I’m not alone in this. Most women have dated or been married to the guy who immediately tried to stomp out all their sparkle and personality.

Why are men like this? Why date someone who you’re just going to try to change into an emotionless, personality-devoid zombie?

She’s describing a flat affect, in other words you are depressed, get some meds and a new therapist.

Why the recommendation for a new therapist PP? And meds?

This therapist made an accurate observation and suggested an exercise. The exercise prompted emotional work and insight — and going beyond that to process some of those insights and possibly get useful feedback here. By my standards, that’s excellent work.

Anonymous wrote:It's crazy seeing the amount of comments blaming women for experiencing emotional abuse.

They are responding to the typical DCUM narrative: Men are always at fault for anything suboptimal in women's lives. The common sentiment is that women are never at fault for the breakdown of their romantic relationships. I can't recall a single divorced woman on this board ever admitting that she bore any responsibility at all for her divorce (which is funny considering the countless threads about evil female friend groups and difficult mothers and mothers-in-law).

Anonymous wrote:

No you are missing the point. You should have more curiosity about your own emotional reaction. What attracted you to a guy who takes sparkles? Why did you continue to stay as he tried to take your sparkle?

Shifting the attention to him is a diversion from the real issue - your choices.

It's well-known that "killing the sparkle", meaning the abuse, is very common when women are vulnerable. Like when pregnant and having infants. Most women who eventually divorce or at least realize that their sparkle has been killed, saw the first issues when they were pregnant/had infants. The choices in those circumstances are very limited as you perhaps can imagine.

Some men get a thrill out of "taming" a woman by tamping down her personality. They like that they can exert such a strong level of control over her, that she'll completely transform herself in his image. It's very dark and insidious, and the only solution is to leave.

It's crazy seeing the amount of comments blaming women for experiencing emotional abuse.

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Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

A man didn’t do this to you though, you did it to yourself. It’s hard to hear but it’s true.

Stop with this. You obviously have no idea what some women go through and no it’s not their own fault.

I remember the days when it was misogynistic to think women had no agency.

You’re missing the point.

Obviously women should leave when men try to tear them down, and we should be teaching our daughters to do just that.

The question is WHY do men feel the need to tear their partners down in the first place? It’s like the quote PP posted earlier - why do they want an exotic bird to put in a cage?

It’s like these men who chase after party girls or IG models, and then demand they stop partying or posting bikini pics on IG. You knew who they were, that’s why you were attracted to them, why change them?

No, it isn’t. It’s about women who can leave who don’t and blame someone else for that choice.

Why do you let your partner steal your power?

Well, in some cases it’s because we never had the freedom and the support that it usually takes to realize and develop our power — without getting punished for it. Some of us may have never seen genuinely supportive positive relationships, let alone experienced them first or even second hand. So, if you grew up in an intact family, with loving parents who celebrated your growth — and their own — that’s a lot like being born on third base. You seek that in your relationships because that’s been your lifelong experience. Not everyone gets anything even close to that.

To clarify: By “intact” I meant something more like “committed “ — not necessarily married.

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Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

A man didn’t do this to you though, you did it to yourself. It’s hard to hear but it’s true.

Stop with this. You obviously have no idea what some women go through and no it’s not their own fault.

I remember the days when it was misogynistic to think women had no agency.

You’re missing the point.

Obviously women should leave when men try to tear them down, and we should be teaching our daughters to do just that.

The question is WHY do men feel the need to tear their partners down in the first place? It’s like the quote PP posted earlier - why do they want an exotic bird to put in a cage?

It’s like these men who chase after party girls or IG models, and then demand they stop partying or posting bikini pics on IG. You knew who they were, that’s why you were attracted to them, why change them?

No, it isn’t. It’s about women who can leave who don’t and blame someone else for that choice.

Why do you let your partner steal your power?

Well, in some cases it’s because we never had the freedom and the support that it usually takes to realize and develop our power — without getting punished for it. Some of us may have never seen genuinely supportive positive relationships, let alone experienced them first or even second hand. So, if you grew up in an intact family, with loving parents who celebrated your growth — and their own — that’s a lot like being born on third base. You seek that in your relationships because that’s been your lifelong experience. Not everyone gets anything even close to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was involved with someone who eventually seemed irritated by the very qualities that he was originally attracted to in me. I finally concluded that he found the biggest, brightest, bestest tree in the woods that he could — so that he could feel better about himself by knocking it/me down. He wanted both a trophy and a handmaiden — very different from the dynamic when our relationship began. Once I saw the light, I left. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see what was happening — but I also understand why it did.

This is a great analogy. I’m glad you are free of him and hope you got your sparkle back!

That was a rough one for me to read. When I look back, I can see how my now husband of 25 years started doing this even while dating. But the love bombing in between those criticisms just left me unable to see what he was doing. I noticed a few years ago how much happier I was when traveling with just my teenage daughter and not having him around. He robbed me of a lot, and I wish I had left long ago.

Anonymous wrote:I was involved with someone who eventually seemed irritated by the very qualities that he was originally attracted to in me. I finally concluded that he found the biggest, brightest, bestest tree in the woods that he could — so that he could feel better about himself by knocking it/me down. He wanted both a trophy and a handmaiden — very different from the dynamic when our relationship began. Once I saw the light, I left. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see what was happening — but I also understand why it did.

This is a great analogy. I’m glad you are free of him and hope you got your sparkle back!

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Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

A man didn’t do this to you though, you did it to yourself. It’s hard to hear but it’s true.

Stop with this. You obviously have no idea what some women go through and no it’s not their own fault.

I remember the days when it was misogynistic to think women had no agency.

You’re missing the point.

Obviously women should leave when men try to tear them down, and we should be teaching our daughters to do just that.

The question is WHY do men feel the need to tear their partners down in the first place? It’s like the quote PP posted earlier - why do they want an exotic bird to put in a cage?

It’s like these men who chase after party girls or IG models, and then demand they stop partying or posting bikini pics on IG. You knew who they were, that’s why you were attracted to them, why change them?

No you are missing the point. You should have more curiosity about your own emotional reaction. What attracted you to a guy who takes sparkles? Why did you continue to stay as he tried to take your sparkle?

Shifting the attention to him is a diversion from the real issue - your choices.

“Why do abused women get abused? Must be their choices.”
Gfy

I was involved with someone who eventually seemed irritated by the very qualities that he was originally attracted to in me. I finally concluded that he found the biggest, brightest, bestest tree in the woods that he could — so that he could feel better about himself by knocking it/me down. He wanted both a trophy and a handmaiden — very different from the dynamic when our relationship began. Once I saw the light, I left. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see what was happening — but I also understand why it did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today during therapy my therapist mentioned I’m very monotone and unemotional, and that I should work on expressing my happiness and emotion more.

I was reflecting back on why, because I wasn’t always like this, and I realized it’s from my xH. He was initially attracted to me because I was vibrant, outgoing, and fun to be around, but over the years he got so critical of what I wore, how I acted, how I spoke, etc that I just got rid of all personality altogether so he’d have nothing to be critical about.

I talked with some friends and I’m not alone in this. Most women have dated or been married to the guy who immediately tried to stomp out all their sparkle and personality.

Why are men like this? Why date someone who you’re just going to try to change into an emotionless, personality-devoid zombie?

My 9 yo said the same thing when she glanced through a box of photos of me in my 20s and early 30s. Wow mom, you were smiling a lot and even with dad!

So exhausted of holding down the fort and doing everything for no nothing back.

I believe this.

Make sure your kid(s) know it’s not their fault.

One reason (of many) that I knew it was time to kick my DH out was that my daughter (who was like maybe 3 at the time) told me that I looked very sad one day as I was buckling her into her car seat. I almost pasted on a fake smile and told her "I'm not sad honey, every thing is fine." But, I realized in the moment, that I would be teaching my child that sad looks don't really mean sad people and that would make her tremendously confused as she grew up. Instead, I sad that it was so grey and cloudy out that it was making me feel a little blue.

I was sad because I was actively planning in my head how to engineer the situation so I could break up with my DH and force him to leave the house by the end of the week and what kind of custody schedule would be safe and what kind of child support I would ask him for.

It is really important (and hard) to make sure your kids understand that they are not responsible for their Mom's mood, and that they are not responsible for their Dad's lack of commitment as a parent and partner. (It was hard enough to get myself, a grown woman, to understand that I was not responsible for, nor could I change his choices.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

A man didn’t do this to you though, you did it to yourself. It’s hard to hear but it’s true.

Stop with this. You obviously have no idea what some women go through and no it’s not their own fault.

I remember the days when it was misogynistic to think women had no agency.

You’re missing the point.

Obviously women should leave when men try to tear them down, and we should be teaching our daughters to do just that.

The question is WHY do men feel the need to tear their partners down in the first place? It’s like the quote PP posted earlier - why do they want an exotic bird to put in a cage?

It’s like these men who chase after party girls or IG models, and then demand they stop partying or posting bikini pics on IG. You knew who they were, that’s why you were attracted to them, why change them?

No you are missing the point. You should have more curiosity about your own emotional reaction. What attracted you to a guy who takes sparkles? Why did you continue to stay as he tried to take your sparkle?

Shifting the attention to him is a diversion from the real issue - your choices.

My mom used to tell me when I was young to not get married too young, make my own money, have my own friends and interests. Keep my self identity (old fashioned word now) when married. She always had great advice.