Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of coddling? I saw the PP above with the parents coming to college, but OP what do you mean?

The girl I mentioned with two older parents. Their parents spend their entire lives doing anything and everything for this child. They have the money and time and tripping over themselves to do anything that this girl wants. This girl is definitely spoiled in every way. Both parents are extremely smart, successful and both are from $$$.

Another boy I am thinking of has divorced parents and both parents also always trying to do everything for this teenager.

I can also think of countless boys, happen to be Indian, whose moms dedicate their entire lives to them. The boys are soooooo coddled.

Hmm. Why does this happen with the boys in particular and not the girls? Does the mother expect her son to take care of her when she’s old, but not her daughter?

Anonymous wrote:Does super coddled = rich? If so, they will be fine. Intergenerational wealth does wonders, even if you don’t work particularly hard.

It usually just means having an extremely type A controlling parent.

* lol, hands-on!

DH and I are Indian American but from very different backgrounds; mine is more middle class and scrappy and his was more more privileged. My parents did little for us because they were too busy working but my sisters and I managed to all become successful and independent.

ILs coddled their children and still continue to coddle his brother and sister, who are both nearing the age of 40 but seem like teenagers in terms of maturity. Absolute failure-to-launch situations. They have great wealth but the number of jobs they've each been fired from and "rescued" by FIL (or DH, as dutiful oldest sibling) is ridiculous. What I find most alarming though, is how neither has matured and is still very tethered to their parents. Neither of them in a relationship or have very much in the way of interpersonal skills. It's as if their parents could simulate everything for them to a point. Even attempts at matchmaking failed because they are both so childish.

FWIW my husband is lacking in household skills (to the point I want to rip my hair out) but is a very good provider and very hands out with our 3 children.

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child DS now in college who was (is) both monetarily spoiled and given unlimited attention. I was a SAHM until he was 12. We gave him a magical childhood

He is now extremely competent and independent with stronger problem-solving skills than most of his peers. (Example: his car breaks down in the middle of the interstate 1000 miles from home. I hear about it a week later and it’s taken care of. No clue how he got back to his college city)

It was intentional all along that he was forced to think critically and problem solve. We deliberately didn’t do his work for him. (Forget your homework? Oh well, take the hit and hopefully you’ll remember next time.)

But I would be lying if I said he wasn’t given every tangible and intangible gift that a parent could give through throughout childhood. Sometimes an excess of what was needed.

Requiring problem solving skills and not bringing forgotten homework to school is the exact opposite of what most people mean by coddled. A coddled kid is one whose parents patch over every difficulty and swoop in at any sign of trouble. No way a coddled kid would be calling a tow truck, riding over to the garage, getting it fixed, and heading back to school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's my niece. She is nearly 18 and her mom/dad do her laundry, cook, clean up after her, give her money, tell her to shower, do her hair for her, put her to bed, carry and pick her up, and drive her around. she's smart enough to be going to college but since her parents fund her life she does not want too. She's never had a job either.

You listed a ton of pretty normal stuff and then threw in that they pick her up and carry her around. That is so odd.

most of those things don't sound normal at 18,how will she do her own laundry and cook when she moves out.

What do you mean? Laundry isnt hard to figure out, and you don’t have cook for years after you move out. I don’t think my sister has ever really cooked, and she is in her thirties.

Doing your hair is tough though. Or at least doing my hair is tough. I can’t imagine never having done my own hair and then having to figure it out. It would look like crap.

Have you ever watched a kid at college who never did their own laundry trying to figure it out? It's entertaining. Sure it only takes a few loads (of possibly wrecked clothes), but they seem so lost. And they usually have dormmates to help them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's my niece. She is nearly 18 and her mom/dad do her laundry, cook, clean up after her, give her money, tell her to shower, do her hair for her, put her to bed, carry and pick her up, and drive her around. she's smart enough to be going to college but since her parents fund her life she does not want too. She's never had a job either.

You listed a ton of pretty normal stuff and then threw in that they pick her up and carry her around. That is so odd.

most of those things don't sound normal at 18,how will she do her own laundry and cook when she moves out.

What do you mean? Laundry isnt hard to figure out, and you don’t have cook for years after you move out. I don’t think my sister has ever really cooked, and she is in her thirties.

Doing your hair is tough though. Or at least doing my hair is tough. I can’t imagine never having done my own hair and then having to figure it out. It would look like crap.

I have an only child DS now in college who was (is) both monetarily spoiled and given unlimited attention. I was a SAHM until he was 12. We gave him a magical childhood

He is now extremely competent and independent with stronger problem-solving skills than most of his peers. (Example: his car breaks down in the middle of the interstate 1000 miles from home. I hear about it a week later and it’s taken care of. No clue how he got back to his college city)

It was intentional all along that he was forced to think critically and problem solve. We deliberately didn’t do his work for him. (Forget your homework? Oh well, take the hit and hopefully you’ll remember next time.)

But I would be lying if I said he wasn’t given every tangible and intangible gift that a parent could give through throughout childhood. Sometimes an excess of what was needed.

I lived and taught at a boarding school in England for a number of years. We had some extremely coddled children, and the parents expected the teachers to continue the coddling. For example, I had a few parents in different timezones who would insist once a week or so that they MUST video chat with me at a time that always after midnight for me, and there would be more than one of these each week. One student never did homework and my department head insisted that teachers complete important exam work for her so that she could pass/graduate (this is illegal and academically dishonest and cheating, etc, but for a few kids who were just very, very special, admin expected faculty to offer these sevices). Many students would regularly ignore and flout rules, and the level of drug use was like nothing I've ever seen. Special students were never, ever expelled or referred to police for hard drugs and at least one occasion of grievous bodily harm on another student, plus one student who hit-and-run a pedestrian near school, but the headmaster spoke to police and she was never charged or even spoken to "because she's badly shaken and very sensitive."

The majority of students at the school were not like this, but there was a very visible minority who were. They all went on to top universities, even the ones who would probably not have graduated if their parents were not super rich/oligarchs/minor aristocracy.

So I've concluded that these kinds of kids actually end up at the very top, running our world, to a degree.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, honestly I think the coddled kids thing is just jealous people. I grew up kind of coddled and grew up among people who were VERY coddled (international school with wealthy families). One girl I went to school with literally had her maid wash, comb, and style her hair every day until she went away for college. I'm still friends with her and she is definitely independent now and successful both personally and financially. I also had a maid growing up who cleaned for me and never did laundry until I went to college. I just... grew up. It wasn't that hard haha.

Same poster and one thing I will say is that almost every woman I know (including myself) who grew up in this situation have doting husbands. It's interesting that another poster picked up on that. I'm shocked with what other people put up with regarding their husbands. But all of the women have family money and were doted on by their families so they know their worth and can leave if they're not treated correctly, so many that's related?

Yeah, honestly I think the coddled kids thing is just jealous people. I grew up kind of coddled and grew up among people who were VERY coddled (international school with wealthy families). One girl I went to school with literally had her maid wash, comb, and style her hair every day until she went away for college. I'm still friends with her and she is definitely independent now and successful both personally and financially. I also had a maid growing up who cleaned for me and never did laundry until I went to college. I just... grew up. It wasn't that hard haha.

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many kids are so coddled. The parents do everything and anything for them. I’m not even sure I would call them spoiled. They are often only children or the baby of the family or the kid who doesn’t want to do things for themselves. They almost always have very aggressive type a type parents.

Do these kids become failure to launch?

The kids seem so dependent on their parents in a very negative way.

Some turn out fine and some struggle is some ways, not that different from non coddled group who have them r own problems.

Poorly usually. Entitled and never happy as adults.

When you do things FOR your kids you rob them. You rob them of experience, of learning and the sense of accomplishment and resultant self esteem that comes from doing something on their own. It is often well intended but has horrible outcomes.

Anonymous wrote:That's my niece. She is nearly 18 and her mom/dad do her laundry, cook, clean up after her, give her money, tell her to shower, do her hair for her, put her to bed, carry and pick her up, and drive her around. she's smart enough to be going to college but since her parents fund her life she does not want too. She's never had a job either.

It sounds like she's being set up for failure. Not knowing how to do your own hair and needed to be put to bed at 18 is not normal.